10 Best Drunken Moments

These are in no particular order… just writing as they pop into my head. I would just like to take the time to deny that I am a complete head case. I'm just a terrible drunk!!! I always tend to think I'm really hard when there's a few vodka redbulls inside me (I'm not at all) but people usually believe me cos I'm bigger than them, haha. Its very surprising that I've never been in an actual fight although I've had more than my fair share of drunken screaming matches!!! I also think I'm hilariously funny. I'm not that either...

1. THE STAIRS AT MANOR QUAY
Manor Quay was my beloved university nightclub.There were two floors. The main club bit downstairs and the balcony bit upstairs. At the Halloween party in my third year I was there with a mission. The guy that I spent the entire year lusting after (to no great effect) was out with me and my friends. The story between us is a long, boring and complicated one, so I won't even go there. But he was hot! So I'd dolled myself up. Short skirt, boobs out, heels; the works. Me and him were going downstairs to watch my flatmate who was in the dance society. It was a really busy night so I lost him on the landing half way down. Some idiot had spilt a beer on their way up or down the stairs and I, being slight inebriated, hadn't noticed it. I was of course walking directly on target for it. Stepped in it, slipped and went flying down the second flight of stairs. Naturally the crowds had parted at this particular moment leaving me with no kind of barrier so down I went the entire way. The American football team were all gathered at the bottom of the stairs and they were left with the job of picking me up as my much lusted after "nice guy" was doubled up in hysterics.
Then… if that wasn't enough trauma… about a year later I was out in a nearby town and one of the bouncers looked mighty familiar. I went to ask him if he worked in Sunderland and he said he did and that he recognised me too. Then he said "oh I know where you know me from… MQ." I was all 'yes yes' thinking he probably knew me cos I was always in there and a tad tiddly. Then he starts laughing and tells me; "you're the girl who fell down the stairs last Halloween, that was so funny". It turns out, that's my name amongst all the bouncers. Lovely.

2. THE 'SEA' INCIDENT
I was out in Newcastle for one of my friends birthdays and after a bar-hop we went to Sea nightclub. Upstairs has these big windows that face out onto the street where there are loads of taxis and stuff. We ended up stood by these windows and started daring each other to do stupid stuff (my favourite being pick someone, dance like them, and see how long it takes them to notice.) Mine however was flash out the window (if I remember right my top was so low cut I was pretty much there anyway). Being as drunk as I was I thought it was a great idea and absolutely hilarious. So I did it… and only then noticed the police car and policemen parked underneath. They looked up just at the moment and then moved in the direction of the club. I then spent the rest of the evening hiding in terror thinking they were in the club somewhere looking for me so they could arrest me for indecent exposure!!!

3. ADVENTURE PLAYGROUND
A few summers ago my friend's parents rented a static van someone near Mablethorpe. Very exciting! But being broke and bored we found ourselves there most weekends. The site club would play whatever we wanted and we usually managed to scrounge a few free drinks out of the manager who was a bit of a sleaze. One night we got smashed on aftershock and trundled out at 1am craving some cheesy chips. Luckily the grease van was still parked outside. Chips in hand we wandered back to the caravan and on the way some bright spark suggested that we sit on the swings in the adventure playground and eat them. There were 3 swings and 4 of us so the race began. Now the playground was full of such delights as swings, climbing frames, tyres and those giant logs that are used as walking beams. I saw the first log no trouble - hurdled it like a young Sally Gunnell. The second one turned out to be more problematic as I was too busy with premature celebrations (I was so in the lead). I ran straight into it and went sailing over the top, chips flying in all directions. I landed with a thud, a hole in my jeans and one measly chip in my tray. I had one of those split second decisions to make; laugh… or cry. I went with laughing as this is my usual reaction to my many falls, and then the immense pain of having no skin left on my calf bone (and no chips left) kicked in and I was soon bawling. I made one friend go and get me more chips - on a promise of not telling anyone what happened to the others - and the rest were left to console me on the loss of my favourite jeans.

4. THE NIGHT WE DRANK VODKA, WENT TO THE CLUB, THREW UP, AND WENT HOME
In our last year at Uni my flatmate Heather and I weren't getting along very well. So after one heart to heart we decided to have a night out, just the 2 of us, the way we always did the previous years. This involved getting drunk on copious amounts of vodka, listening to musical delights such as Cleopatra (comin atcha) and rolling into the uni club 4 sheets to the wind. We took way longer than usual getting ready and didn't leave ourselves much drinking time - about half an hour. But we were determined to drink the whole (kingsize) bottle before we went so it was a case of chug chug. We called a taxi and the realised we hadn't told him which side of the house to pick us up on (one side had the carpark, the other the road) so we figured one of us would stand outside on each side and leave all the doors in the house open so that we could hear if the other one yelled. We couldn't. One of our other (half annoyed, half amused) flatmates had to come down and tell her I'd been screaming in the street about a taxi for the last 5 minutes.
Anyway… once at the club we put out coats in and decided to go upstairs to the balcony as the taxi ride hadn't left us feeling all that great and we needed a moment. Up there we saw out ex-next door neighbour and my fairly recent ex with his new girlfriend. I decided to annoy her by pretending to chat him up… but that was cut short by overwhelming waves of nausea. I decided to bite the bullet and be sick thinking that it would make me feel better so into the toilets we traipsed. I was very wrong. Once I started being sick I couldn't stop. For about an hour. Heather started too and we were having between-stall conversations about how the hell we were going to get up, remove our heads from the toilet bowl and go home. We finally managed and wobbled out. Ex was still outside so there was the added embarrassment that he knew I'd been in the toilet for an hour. We went to get our coats and the cloakroom guy happened to be my old flatmate Mic. I was telling him that I was going to go home because I felt sick, over and over again for about 20 minutes - he deserves an oscar for his attempt at a "I'm not laughing" face. Then Heather pulled my bag, managed to undo the zip and the contents fell on the floor. We both stood staring at it for about 2 minutes, neither of us daring to bend down and pick the stuff up, until Mic came out, picked it all up, did the bag up and put my coat on me.

4. NEW PANTS NIGHT
One night I'd gone out with the intention of getting a guy that I liked (no not the same one as before, keep up.) I'd gone shopping with me best friend during the day to get some sexy pants to knock him dead - looking back I wish that had literally been the case. So, my luck just so happened to be in that night cos he was paying me lots of attention. I was talking to his then best friend who was telling me not to bother with him cos he wasn't worth it (and lesson of the day… when a guys best mate tells you that - LISTEN!!!). But I wasn't having any of it and proceeded to tell him all about the new pants I'd bought that day. Then the rest of his friends came up and I decided that I should tell them too. By the end of the night I'd pretty much told everyone in the club that I'd bought new pants cos I wanted to get with this guy. I'm a classy bird.

5. MARK OWEN
Mark Owen came to the Freshers Ball in my final year. It also happened to be Heather's birthday so we had a party before hand ensuring that we were all completely out of it by the time we got to the club. During the party me and my friend Lisa had decided to relive our teeny-bopper days and make a banner. I don't remember exactly what it said but it had two sides and was basically offering him a threesome. Tramps! So off I went with my banner annoying everyone behind me (which was basically everyone there because I've got a great pair of elbows and a swift kick on me) by constantly holding it up and turning it around so they couldn't see. When he came on stage all the other girls at the front were groping him and grabbing any body part they could reach. I on the other hand went for the microphone lead and pulled - thus pulling him along with it. He managed to keep his balance and took it in good spirit - pointing and laughing at me. Then I decided that I'd get a much better grip with two hands so I needed to ditch the banner (and a cheer went up all around the club). So I threw it at poor lovely Mark nearly knocking him out. Well no, that's a bit melodramatic, it was only the lid off a saucepan box. But he dodged it and again laughed at me. Next time I got the mic lead and yanked it harder nearly pulling the poor guy off the stage. He stopped singing shouted; 'YOU', laughed, lent off the stage and full on kissed me. SUCCESS!

7. MEN ARE CRAP NIGHT
One night me and my flatmate Fliss were both feeling down in the dumps about our respective blokes. So we decided to have a 'men are crap, lets get drunk' night. Any excuse really. So lambrini inside us we went out and had a great night. On the way out there was a police van parked by the side of the road with the window wound down. I thought the guys must be bored so went to chat to them. I leant on the window and told them all about my night, how and why men are so horrible and started pointing out random blokes on the street and asking them to go arrest them. Luckily for me they found it all rather entertaining and humoured me explaining that no, being a man was not reason enough to be arrested. Then they had to go break up a fight so the siren went on and they sped off leaving me chanting "WOOHOO GO TEAM" in the middle of the street. Oh dear.

8. TIM FROM BIG BROTHER
Another Freshers Party super celeb (no well Mark Owen was actually good). For some reason me and Lisa (I'm going to blame her as her name seems to be cropping up in most stories) decided that Tim from Big Brother was actually quite exciting. So we spent the entire time he was on stage (being booed by all) plotting how we were going to get to him. So as he was about to walk off stage we jumped onto it and made a mad dash towards him - expertly dodging the mass of bouncers who came hurtling towards us. We threw ourselves onto him and said we thought he was great even though everyone else thought he was a complete *bleep* and hated him. Then the bouncers made us leave…

9. TRAFFIC CONES
I know every student steals traffic cones but this wasn't actually while I was at uni. A few of us had gone down to Newquay for the week a couple of summers ago. Claire's parents had paid for a static van so we were staying on a campsite. There was a mass of cones near the entrance stopping people from parking in certain places. One night on the way back we decided that it was be hysterically funny to move them all. So, carrying them on our heads - which of course was even funnier, we scattered them all around the campsite. My friend Hannah even climbed to the top of the pirate ship and put one on top of the mast - probably wasn't the best idea in our drunken, co-ordinationless state but never mind. Then we started putting them on the roofs of peoples caravans. We had to climb on the bins to do this. I of course slipped, dropped the cone with a thud, woke the people up and then we had to frantically run and hide so they didn't come out and kill us.

10. TRAFFIC SIGN
In my 1st year at Uni there were major roadworks just outside our halls. They'd had the sense to lock all the road signs to things so students couldn't steal them all. Except for one. A few of us were bored one night so we decided to go see what fun things we could find on the streets. We happened upon this sign and debated whether we should take it or not. It was attached to a huge wooden board and was in the ground on 2 steaks. As we were pondering and wiggling it around to see how easy it would be to pull out the police drove by. How we managed to convince them that we weren't trying to steal it but were infact admiring the craftsmanship is beyond me. Anyway we picked it up, hoisted it over our shoulders and marched back into halls with it… to be promptly stopped by security and told to march straight out and put it back. Instead we slung it over the back fence, waited for security to do his rounds and then snuck it into our house. It took up the entire living room and the next day the cleaning lady reported us and security moved it, thus rendering it all rather pointless.