Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
Lots of material for the BBC when Comic Relief time comes |
| Disadvantages: |
? ! ? ! Annoying ? ! ? ! |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
no |
Some readers of the Sun (the great 12million) may recall the recent ‘fame game’ that was offered to you all. You were given five lists of celebrities (A list to E list) and had to select two ‘famous’ people from each list and then send them in. Each time the celeb was featured in the Sun you would get points, with the winner getting some fantastic prize the Sun often offers, such as a year’s free subscription.
But this competition was very interesting. The lists that were published daily made interesting reading as you searched and saw who was were. Ulrika and Sven came out scoring well when they were originally D and B list respectively. So you never know what could happen. They are interesting people. But as in everything, there is the good, the bad and the down right ugly. Okay, so maybe Sven’s ugly, but that’s another issue.
Join me in my great annoying celeb countdown as we celebrate the clans of those who think they are great but don’t quite get there.
10. RICHARD BRANSON
Trying to keep hip and in the scene, our mate Richie B did the opposite of what would have been good for him (and us) when he made an appearing act (as opposed to the disappearing) at Dave and Vicky B’s Jappy P. His rather oversized beard and somewhat unruly hair decided to spread in to the sushi. Okay, so he spent a lot of money at the auction and made sure Graham Norton had a good time (not really – just speculation) but please, could you not have donated without turning up? He should be in EastEnders married to Pauline Fowler – ‘Eww.. Raw fish… Where’s the sausages on sticks, Ian?’
What I’m trying to say is that running some airline which is half-owned by someone else doesn’t make you famous. So please keep your rather oversized beard and unruly hair out of me weekly dose of Hello! Magazine. Thank you.
JOINT 9. RICHARD WHITELY AND CAROL VORDERMAN
Richard, you may have a collection of rather loud ties and you may be a sex symbol to the nation(‘s grannies) but that gives you no right to be sent to Australia on holiday by the BBC so you can deliver mail by plane. Please stop smiling – save that for your daytime TV slot. And Carol V – you host a gardening programme on Sunday evenings – and smile uncontrollably. You’re over the hill now, please stop wearing ribbed tops.
Richard: ’Well Carol, we’re celebrating our 4,000th edition today!’
Carol (Seriously, with confidence in her voice): ‘Oh really? (grin) I thought that 4,000 banner was in honour of your birthday…’
(Both grin and grandmother gathering in audience cackle uncontrollably. Hand emerges and tickles Carol from consonants letter box.)
JOINT 7. RICHARD AND JUDY
This group of unknown surname recently decided that the overwhelming number of nearly one viewer was far too many for them and therefore they had to go to Channel 4 where the number would be slightly less. In their over-pink studio they discuss the most trivial matters and the husband will indulge in putting his wife down. They will present TV awards and don large grins on their faces when their tits hang out (both husband and wife) and pretend they hadn’t realised.
Richard: ‘You know, everyone says that I always put down Judy and always interrupt her with my views. (Points at camera) But that’s not true, is it darling?’
Judy: ‘Well, I suppose if…’
Richard: ‘Exactly, I never interrupt and she always says what she has to say.’
5. IAN WRIGHT
The BBC was thinking that it wasn’t ‘hip’ enough and had a few million quid to spare. So they went on a search for failed stars – they needed a gimp to host Friends like These since the former group had found better things. Was there nobody better to take the job than Ian Wright? Henderson in the Daily Mail recently had a go at him, and I agree entirely – The BBC – this institution of clarity and quality – thought it fitting to sped £3m on a man who can nearly say his name.
Ian: ‘Hey, I’m Wrigh’y, and dis is Frenz like Deez.’
4. JEREMY SPAKE
Who would have thought? Check in supervisor for some shitty Russian airline at Heathrow airport to world-famous celeb. You’d never think it’s possible. And Jeremy has proven that it isn’t… yet. Comic Relief is very funny, but if they want to raise money I suggest a new event. Instead of Singing Jeremy I suggest squirting Jeremy. Once a year he comes out of his special little box and puts on his glasses and camp attitude and starts waltzing around on a maximum-size still too small suit. I think we should gunge it so that he goes and gets a proper fitting one made instead.
Jeremy: ‘Ooh… This Q-List celeb is coming to the airport today, I’m so excited. I’ve never heard of him before but apparently he has some TV series with the BBC on Friday nights… I never knew I had a series on Friday nights…’
3. MICHAEL FISH
Yes, a British institution maybe, and at least he sticks to his job. But what were the BBC thinking when they renewed his contract. Pretty moustache maybe, and nice big glasses, but why not stay at home and tell Mrs Fish that it’s going to rain tomorrow. My Spanish relatives made a flying visit to our home last week and pointed out the age of this man and how ridiculous he is – he must be 70! Let’s take a real quote this time…
The Eve Before the Hurricane: ‘We’ve had a concerned letter from an amateur forecaster saying that there’s going to be some strong wind this evening, but you can rest assured Mrs Jones that it will be fine.’
The Morning After: ‘Yes, unfortunately we did experience some gusts of wind last night…’
2. LAWRENCE LLEWELLYN-BOWEN
I mean, having to spell his name is annoying enough. I recommend that he gets a haircut – but he says that it’s very retro to have long hair and therefore keeps it in. I don’t know anyone who has kept his designs of Changing Rooms (fair enough, I don’t know anyone who has been on the show) but the designs are truly awful. Who in their right mind will glue panels of metal to their wall with No More Nails?
Just because you are a sub-presenter in some embarrassment to the production team, you don’t need to design a range of cutlery. Neither do you need to annoy us any further by appearing MORE on our TVs on formerly half-respected programmes such as the Kumars.
Carol Smillie: ‘But Lawrence, I’m not sure about the design. Very pretty, but what teenage boy wants pink and purple flowers on their bedroom wall?’
Lawrence: ‘Well… erm… Not me of course…’
1. DALE WINTON
Okay, so this bloke hosts the National Lottery programme once a week (which nobody watches anyway – why did you think Lotto ticket sales are in decline?) but why does he have to keep making pilot series of programmes that always fail? Why does he have to act like such a poof everywhere? Why do we have to pay a licence fee? I think Dale W and Ian W get on well together – both money badly spent by the old Beeb. Get him off! Now!
Dale: (Does a cheesy dance) ‘Hello, and welcome to some other silly little show I do… joining me this week is a huge selection of guests! We have Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, Michael Fish, Jeremy Spake, Ian Wright, Richard Madely, Judy Finnigan, Richard Whitely, Carol Vorderman and Richard Branson, not forgetting the Lotto draw, which is ROLLOVER (Audience: ‘Ooh!’) because nobody bought a ticket last week.’
There are many more people to hate, but that’s just a small selection to enjoy. Please leave me a comment and thanks for reading! Cheers - RE
very helpful
