Sayings, phrases, words. We all use them. But what crap some people to talk, like:
10. "Yep, All Day"
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*Used by*
Grandparents or smart arses
*Gist*
So, I'm a bit disorientated or I'm distracted and I ask someone:
"Is it Thursday today?"
and some smartarse, goes: "Yep, all day".
Now why can't they just say: "yes"? Mind you, I can see their point. Whay am I asking someone what the day is, anyway? I should know it really.
*Should be used by*
Producers to newreaders
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9. "Whatever!"
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*Used by*
Kids, teenagers and people in their 30s trying be cool.
*Gist*
Originating from the Jerry Springer show in the mid-90s, this phrase is generally used by people once they know the game is up and the argument is lost. It can be said in a variety of ways but the deadly strain that evolves from Marco of Big Brother 5 "fame" is where the "ver" is elongated and the index fingers and thumbs are put together to make a "w". Highly annoying.
*Should be used by*
Lawyers in court when one lawyer has just provided a fantastic, case-turning piece of evidence.
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8. "Are You Having A Bubble?"
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*Used by*
Cockney wankers and Essex boys
*Gist*
How I hate Cockneys. All those war stories, selling and buying fish at 4am and - worst of all - the rhyming slang. How funny it must have been when people were making up this rhyming nonsense. Up the apples and pears, get on the dog and bone, lend me a Lady Godiver....oh yeah, ha ha ha. What rubbish! But there's a new element on the rise, though, with people thinking up newer versions. How about: he's Radio Rental (mental) or this one. Are You Having A Bubble (bath): laugh? No, frankly.
*Should be used by*
Boris Johnson to Scousers
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7. "No, I'm Half Left"
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*Used by*
Grandparents and smart arses
*Gist*
Very simple but very annoying:
ME: Alright?
SOMEONE: No, I'm half left
I don't think I need to elaborate on this.
*Should be used by*
An Eastenders character to "brighten" up the show.
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6. "Let's Have A Butchers"
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*Used by*
Builders and Cockneys
*Gist*
More rhyming slang from those salt of the earth Londoners - the Cockneys. This is "slang" for "let's have look", where look has been replaced by "butcher's hook" and since shortened to "hook". Once quite popular in 1978 this phrase is still being used in those flat-roofed pubs on the edge of South East London council estates generally named The Wat Tyler. Stop.
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5. "You Won't Feel The Benefit"
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*Used by*
Grandparents
*Gist*
How annoying are grandparents? The blokes are OK letting you sip their stout and tellling about how calculators are made, but it's the nans and their advice! It's always advice linked to keeping warm.
"Cast ne'er a clout, til May be out", they say. And this one. "Take off that balaclava and 18 layers whilst indoors, Wayne, or you won't feel the benefit". Won't feel the benefit? With that coal fire playing up again, it's colder in my nan's house than outside!
*Should be used by*
Chris Bonnington's nan.
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4. "Peace Be With You"
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*Used by*
Catholics
*Gist*
My nieces and nephews were confirmed. My nan was buried. Me? You won't get me within a mile of a church unless I'm forced to. But on these occasions, I've been caught out by the regular churchgoing Cattholics who know all the words. At my nan's funeral, I'm in bits, tears streaming down my face and the priest says something and the smartarse woman next to me, taps me on the shoulder and shakes my hand and says: "peace be with you!". What's all that about?
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3. "Innit?"
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*Used by*
White kids trying to be black
*Gist*
Used as an alternative to "am I right?" or "don't you think?", "innit?" first came to prominence in the late 80's under the tuteledge of Harry Enfield's character, Stavros. In the early 90s it was picked up by young black Londoners and use extensively in that community. But now all the kids use it. White suburbanites who desperately want to keep up with their peers at school now use it constantly, innit?
*Should be used by*
Jimmy Saville in a "Jim'll Fix It" relaunch
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2. "It's Not The Size, It's What You Do With It"
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*Used by*
Women. All of them!
*Gist!*
It's a dead cert that if you put more than one woman in a room with nothing else but 5 bottle of Lambrusco, the conversation will inevitably get round to nobs. And another certainty is that age old argument about whether size matters will come into play. Me? I don't care. If a woman starts goading with that load of rubbish (and if she's particularly flat chested), I'll give her the old "more than a handful's a waste" argument. And, men: we all know the answer to that one, don't we..... More than a handful's a waste, my arse!
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1. "This Is London's Heart 106.2!"
*Used by*
Radio DJs
*Gist*
My radio alarm clock is permanently set on hte worst radio station ever. The dial's broke and I need to wake up in the morning, so until I become a contestant on Catchphrase and win one, I'm gonna have to stick to the one I've got.
Trouble is......I set my alarm for 6.15. And it seems that at 6.15 that's the time they play the Heart FM jingle.
So, change the time you get up, you say. I have.
6:17am
6:01 am
6:42 am
6:30 am
With the exception of one day in May this year I have been unable to avoid this damn jingle.
Help!
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Thanks for reading.
Wayne
Are You Having A Bubble? 
"Innit" drives me nuts!