10 Most Annoying Sayings

I've read two or three of these member picks on Ciao in the last couple of weeks and found them to be clever, witty and amusing. Mine aren't. Nevertheless, here's my top ten of annoyingly tedious remarks. I have included a "snappy response" section for each of these, trying to emulate Oscar Wilde, but unfortunately I couldn't think of any witty ones so opted for the only other options - silliness and insults. However, if fired out quickly as a razor-sharp retort, the speed and venom of response may disguise the lack of wit.

1 GET A LIFE!
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No, YOU get a life! I hate this one above all because it's so damned condescending. The speaker is, naturally, an intelligent, cool, talented high achiever, whereas I am a saddo with nothing of interest in my life whatsoever. Even if it's true, it's still a very, very annoying remark.

SNAPPY RESPONSES
I'd very much appreciate a life, but not yours
How did the charisma bypass go?

2 I'M GLAD YOU'VE TAKEN THAT ON BOARD
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Where are we, on the QE2? The Orient Express?
This is usually spoken by someone in authority, maybe a trendy, over-energetic boss, and suggests that he/she has opened the celestial doors of knowledge to me, and that after a difficult struggle I have managed to grasp the point, and by jove, I'm a better person for it!

SNAPPY RESPONSES
Thank'ee kindly, cap'n
You're highly intelligent. Me, I'm just a sarcastic fool

3 TRY TO SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE
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Wide screen, perhaps?
Again, suggesting the speaker is able to view the situation universally, whereas I can only see it through shallow eyes. He/she speaks two languages, English and Arrogance.

SNAPPY RESPONSES
I suffer from tunnel vision
Could you direct me to Specsavers?
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off.

4 YOUR CALL IS HELD IN A QUEUE
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And to rub it in they end the sermon with "we do value your call". Nuff said.

SNAPPY RESPONSES
There's not an awful lot you can say to a machine I suppose, but when you finally get through to a human...

I'd like to report an annoying phrase, please.
I'd like to speak to the machine again, please.

5 HE'S LIKE A GIANT BADGER FORAGING FOR TURNIPS
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Sorry, made this one up, just being silly.

The real number 5 FAR BE IT FROM ME, BUT...
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A variant of "I'm not being funny", you just know that the next line will contradict the first, for example " far be it from me to criticise but dont you think it's time she threw those shoes away ?"

SNAPPY RESPONSES
Far be it from me to agree with you.
Do you always wear a clown suit?

6 NO PAIN - NO GAIN
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Ludicrously inaccurate. What about sleep? What about sex (in most cases!). And if I eat a large tureen of chocolate ice-cream topped with sweets and whipped cream in a sea of sticky syrup(no pain there for sure), I think I can safely predict that I'll gain a pound or two.

SNAPPY RESPONSES
That's apparent from your body shape
No woman, no cry
No time, no listen

7 HAD A GOOD HOLIDAY?
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I might be on my own with this one, but I've just arrived back at work after a week or two off, I'm not feeling at my best, and it's just so depressing to be reminded throughout the day that my holidays are over. Send me home!

SNAPPY RESPONSE
Yes, thanks.
No, not at all.
Well...a large rhino escaped and demolished our hotel.

8 ....YEAH?
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Not a phrase as such, it's the one where someone is explaining something and after every line his voice rises into a question.... " Go down High street and turn left on Low street, yeah?" "Yeah" "Then turn right just after the Frog and Corset pub, yeah?" "Yeah" Causes me to keep having to say "yeah" back in response every 10 seconds, I'm like a nodding yes-man.

SNAPPY RESPONSE
None needed, as a question hasnt actually been asked. Try a blank stare without uttering a single word.

9 HE THINKS HE'S THE BEES KNEES
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What's so special about the knees of a bee? In fact do bees HAVE knees? We're presumably talking about someone who rates himself very highly, but why use this bizarre phrase? I've heard a variant of this several times " She think's she's the cat's arse". Again, just bizarre!

SNAPPY RESPONSE
Yes, but in reality he's just the wasp's ankle.
Pass the honey, my knees itch.

10 IS IT ME, OR....?
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You know this one, " Is it me or has the world gone mad?" "Is it me or is there a ferret on Rupert's head?" It's the critic who finds fault very easily and then needs to reinforce his views by recruiting allies.

SNAPPY RESPONSE
It's you.

Thanks for reading, hope you took it on board, yeah?