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My ten most embarassing moments? Can there be ten whole moments in life that are worthy of sharing as being that cringe-worthy.
Well, in my life the answer is easily 'Yes'. I am the unluckiest person on earth. And maybe the clumsiest. And to give me no chance in life, I am a total bimbo as well. Not that I am ashamed of these things, I just wish that I was different. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't change.
Lets start with the story that gave me the title. This happened four years ago, after the birth of my daughter. Up where I live, a big event locally is thte Black Isle Show. This used to be mainly agricultural, but its now qite commercial, with show rides, stalls, food and a dance at night. So, my friends and I decided we would have a well earned night out. We got all dressed up and headed for the dance. We got there a bit earlier than planned, so we headed for the shows. We went on a couple of the rides-Gladiator, Waltzers, Terminator and then we discovered a new one. I had never seen it before and can't remember the name of it, but it basically went round in a circle on a tilt, while violently shaking you like you were in an earthquake. You sit on a bench, and theres nothing to hold you in. So after a few minutes of being tossed about, my friends and I noticed a guy holding up a 'Topless Goes Free' sign. I glanced down and saw my right bob jigling about like there was no tomorrow. I had to get my friend to hold on to me while I tucked it safely back into my bra. But, as if that wasn't bad enough, the first person I saw in the crowd round the ride was my younger brother. My brother saw my boob. Argh!!!!
Moving swiftly on, another embarassing moment happened whilst I was working in a supermarket. I had to wear the regulation uniform-at that time a disgusting green striped over-sized apron. Hardly the height of fashion, but it had to be done. On this particular day, I was quite disorganised so had to tumble dry my uniform. I grabbed it, threw it on and went to work. After a couple of hours on the check-out, my supervisor came to let me go on my break. She stood beside me, peeled my bright pink thong from the back of my shoulder and suggested I 'splash my face with cold water'. Talk about flashing my knickers!
I am pretty good at flashing my knickers. A few years ago, a few of us were on Holiday and we went to and an amusement park. There was one of those huge, wavy slides that you go down while sitting on a carpet. Anyway, I was far too old for this, but decided to give it a bash anyway. In fact, we decided to make it a race, so four of us climbed to the top and took our seats next to some young boys, maybe aged seven or eight. 'Ready, Steady, GO!!' Everyone rushed forward, but I couldn't get going so the guy at the top gave me a gentle nudge. I was trailing behind when my skirt blew up over my head. Worried about how much I was flashing, I let go of the carpet and held my skirt down. This was a huge mistake. The carpet picked up speed, went out of control, flipped over and sent me flying from it onto the rough carpet at the bottom. An old woman was screaming that I was bleeding and was I okay? I picked myself up, limped off with my cut to shreds knee, and tried to act brave. My friend had it all on camera, and has been threatening to send it to 'You've been framed' ever since. On the bright side, I won the race!!!
Going back a few years, one of my most cringey things ever was in Geography class when I was 16. The teacher was very strict about packing up and putting jackets on. You didn't do it until he said. But it was lunch time and I was so hungry, I just wanted to get down the street and get my roll. So, I sneakily put my folder away and slipped my jacket on. Luckily, I was sitting on a low stool, so it was very easy to get my jacket up over my shoulders, ready to go. It was when I put my weight back down that I l let out a little shriek, or quite a loud one. The stool was no longer there, it had tipped back and I was lying stretched out on the floor. To add to the embarassment, the teacher came running over to make sure I was okay, making a huge fuss of what had happened. The whole class were laughing, and I still go red when I think of it.
This embarassed me no end, but it was probably more embarassing for my friend than for me, but still it was very awkward and I want to share. we were on a day trip, mucking about taking photos. My female friend and I had been giggling about how our friend, James, had forgotten to do up his fly. neither of us would tell him, we were hoping he would notice. He didn't, so we let him walk around with an air pocket. Then, while we were posing for photo's, he crouched down to take a jokey one of us. It was then that his peeper peeped out. Well, we nearly wet ourselves but we couldn't find the words to tell him. I wiggled my finger and sid 'Peek a boo', before exploding into another fit of laughter. My friwend tried to tell him that he was 'Hanging Loose'. He kept looking at us like we were mad. I guess he got a draft in the end, because he disappeared for ages. When he came back, he was annoyed at his. Probably more because we had seen his midget gem. We don't talk much now. Weird.
On a shopping trip, I had another embarassing moment. Nowhere is sacred for me. Anyway, we were walking three abreast through the doors of the shopping centre. Blethering away happily, none of us where paying much attention until there was a loud crash. My friends turned around to see me stumbling about. I had walked rather quickly into the glass pain, whilst the other two had got through the door. so, on a busy Saturday afternoon, I had humiliated myself in front of half of the Hihlands.
My mouth is the source of most of my embarassment. I always have to be a smart arse, and love to embarass others. I was in a public loo, when I heard a little knock through the cubicle, followed by a woman's voice asking for some toilet roll. For the laugh, and because I always do it to my Mum, I replied, 'What are you doing, a pee or a pooh?'. Its to gauge how much tissue I should pass under, but it works a treat to cause a red face. She answered 'Pee', so I passed under a handful of tissue. After flushing, I went to the sink to wash my hands. Out of the cubicle next to me walks a police woman. Since we were the only people there, there was no point pretending it wasn't me. She smiled at me sarcastically, and my face was way redder than hers.
Another toilet incident took place in the baby change unit of a supermarket. those who have used a baby change know that you get communal ones, where there is a nappy changing area, a breast feeding area, a nappy change bit and an area where people mill around waiting. So, on this day there was four of us in the unit. I lay my son done and removed his nappy. My daughter, then aged 3, watched intently for a few seconds, then she turned to the woman breast feeding and exclaimed, 'My brother only has a little willie, but my Daddy has a huge...' I didn't hear much beyond that. I didn't see much either. I snatched up my stuff and ran out with all the dignity I had left-approx none.
A disastrous job interview is next on my list. I was doing really well when I looked down and saw that I had odd shoes on. I don't know how I didn't notice sooner as the heels were a different height, and the only thing remotwly similar about them was the colour. Anyone else would have continued with the interview, but I became obsessed about the shoes. I couldn't stop looking at them, then I was worried that the interviewer would notice. Then I started to laugh. The more I tried not to, th worse it got. The interviewer went red, and started to shift around in his chair. i could see how awkward he felt, but it was bad enough that I knew I had odd shoes on, I couldn't tell him. He actually adjusted his har piece and I thought i was going to wet myself. I didn't get the job!
Last, I want to include this mildly embarassing story. My face was beaming at the time, and I was very apologetic-but I've had worse. I had my daughter down the street, she was about two at the time. We were walking behind a man and a woman. The lady was wearing a brown jumper and welly boots. My little girl first asked why she was wearing wellies, so I said it was because it was raining. Then, in her loudest voice, she shouts "And why is she wearing that mocket jumper?" I explained it wasn't dirty, it was just brown. Not understanding this, she again yells "Well, it looks like poops and that lady stinks of poopies". What could I do? Both the woman and the man turned around to be met with my pitifully small smile. Kids, who'd have them.
I'm sorry there is no no stories of being caught 'at it'. Its never happened. I do have other moments, but some things are best kept to myself.