Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
I am driving really fast |
| Disadvantages: |
I haven't got a licence |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
no |
So here I am trawling through Ciao wondering what to do as I am not out partying tonight (severe lack of cashflow due to a long wait for the wage packet being a week on Tuesday)! Waiting for something interesting to come on the telly (at present for me it looks like my evening will be spent watching ‘One Fine Day’).
So to distract myself from the mysterious fate I will encounter later I went hunting for a subject to occupy my time until my meeting with destiny. When in a Ciao Café title catches my eye!!!!
‘Drum Roll Please Maestro’
TOP TEN WORST FILMS OF THE DECADE!!!! (Imagine on the big screen with BIG letters!!!)
(Ta Da!!!!!!)
However as the title stood out in the forefront of my little mind a little voice went at the back of the cavernous recesses ‘Decade?!?!’
I was stumped! I could not honestly think of more than three films to comment on and it looked like I would have to wait for another seven years before I could say my piece!!!
I wailed, I moaned and I rolled around on the floor cursing at the injustice of it all!!!!!!!!!!!
Then enlightenment struck!!!! Ignore the DECADE just write about bad films!!!! Would I be able to get away with it or would the Ciao Traffic Police (CTP) stop me and take away my licence!!! That almost stopped me but if I could write it and make it funny then I might only get a ticket and a fine!
:0)
So deciding the risk was worth it and driving recklessly onto the Ciao Superhighway off I go at 1000mph (I wish!).
As usual I will not bother with numbers as this time they are all crap for their own reasons.
So at the first billboard on the left we have
WEEKEND AT BERNIES
Afilm from the late 80’s/early 90’s starring Andrew McCarthy a comedy about two idiots that go their bosses vacation house after they discover he has stitched them up in a business deal. When they get there they discover that their Boss (The Bernie of the title) has just died. The film then centres around their efforts to convince everyone that Bernie is alive. This includes them taking the body to the beach and manipulating it with strings.
Taking a left into the lets make a turn into the quick buck region and we encounter a particularly awful piece of materiel!!
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
Based on the Mattel toy and the (semi) long running cartoon character He-Man and starring Dolph Lundgren, Courteney Cox and a few other actors that really do not want to be mentioned (and I am getting a lot of bribes from blackmail material!). This film was made by the Cannon Cinema chain and it has to be said that that they were almost as bad as Ed Wood in film making except they had money and lots of it!!! If you look at the film at certain I think you can seeing the actors looking totally ashamed by what dialogue is coming out of their mouths!
With a quick push to the accelerator I perform a quick U-turn and I am out of there, and back on the Superhighway and nearly crashing as I see the next horror on my list of film atrocities.
BLAME IT ON THE BELLBOY
This is comedy of errors where the error was to make the film! It stars Bryan Brown, Patsy Kensit, Patricia Hodge, Richard Wilson, Bronson Pinchot (The Bellboy) and Dudley Moore(I think they all needed the money!) The comedy of errors is caused by two factors:
1. The Bellboy is a total none English speaking incompetent (His Englich is worse than Manuels)
2. Bryan Brown, Dudley Moore and Richard Wilson’s characters all have similar names.
That’s the premise for the film and it gets worse as it goes along! The only nice thing about the film is the setting, Vienna.
Now having avoided crashing into a gondola I speed on and nearly get hit by a marauding shark….
DEEP BLUE SEA
I am trying so hard to get this film out of my mind! I can only remember that Samuel L. Jackson is in it, and that the premise is that Genetically Engineered Sharks that an underwater research base have developed (as a means of curing Alzheimer’s) set about getting their revenge in an incredibly over the top way. I nearly cheered in the film when the parrot got eaten . Its about the only original thing in it.
Having avoided one set of animatronics I instantly encounter another
THE MUPPET MOVIE
This movie features the characters that I grew up during my youth. However watching this film I cringed all the way through. All I could think was where is the theatre? THEY NEED THE THEATRE!!!!!! The premise for the film by the was how the Muppets got together and became the stars they are and I nearly cried after the first ten minutes because of what this travesty of a film does to some of my beloved childhood icons.
Blinking through my tears I set off again and I start skidding on the syrup that is spreading across the road
THE CARE BEAR MOVIE
Can I say this now I was forced to watch it when I did some babysitting and I do not want to go into it any further. All I can say is that this film was so syrupy and sweet I was getting a sugar rush!!!!!
Starting to gather speed as I head away from that horror I nearly get hit by a bat. Luckily it hits the windscreen!
DRACULA, DEAD & LOVING IT
I love Mel Brooks films but this is just plain awful, I only went to see it because I have so many good memories of Young Frankenstein. It stars amongst other (semi-notables) Leslie Nielsen, Lysette Anthony, Cary Elwses and of course Mel Brooks. It has so much potential but it never hits its stride. If you want to do an experiment rent out Young Frankenstein and the above film and see the difference!!! If Brooks had made this earlier it could have been an absolutely fabulous film.
After cleaning off the guano I head off again and enjoy some of the billboards whistling by thinking, as I go by, how nice I never saw these films when I encounter the next culprit in my hall of infamy
OSCAR
Sylvester Stallone, Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei comedy! However I should have realised all of a sudden my mistake…. Stallone and comedy (which have never ever mixed)!!! This is basically a film about a mobster (Stallone) who is trying to go straight after promising so to his father (A brief cameo by KIRK Douglas! Why?????) and all the chaos that ensues! Incredibly forgettable and that’s how I want it to stay.
So having avoided the Tommy Guns I head on into the zone of ultimate horror, depravity and some of the worst pieces of cinema to see the light of day!
THE NATIONAL LAMPOON MOVIES
I am sorry to nominate a series of films here but as far as I am concerned if you put all of these together you might actually get one halfway decent comedy film from the lot if you are incredible careful and a lot of certain illegal substances(is there something wrong with that image or is it just me?).
Its at this point I push the peddle to the metal and escape from this morass of horrors and crash straight into the next one.
HIGHLANDER 2
I love the original film it is marvellous, has an original concept and is generally great it scores on all points with me… the sequel however this is as a friend once said
‘The day this film got spliced the guy doing the job happened to have a bad trip’ , and I wish it had been down an elevator!!!
If you have ever seen this all I can ask is would you watch it again?
Anyway I have just wrecked the my car and I can see a Ciao Traffic policeman riding up so I had better get running and hope I do not get caught.
Wish me luck and see ya soon as I do not want to explain why I have not got a licence
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very helpful
very helpful
