10 Worst Foods

This review is inspired by scampi. Not the little fishy bites covered in breadcrumbs but Ciao's very own scampi1 aka Martin. In one of our little chats I began to confess my hatred of fishcakes...... don't ask..... You had to be there!! As I haven't been ciaoing for a while I chose a light-hearted way to get back into the swing of things and what better way than a rant about something disgusting! So here are my Top Ten most inedible foods in no particular order.

Number 10 and Number 9

These two foods had been lumped in together (pardon the pun) as I discovered my fear and loathing of these foods on exactly the same day. Dinner time at Infant School. The dinner ladies were like prison wardens patrolling the hall making sure all plates were cleared in silence! As my turn came to be served at the hatch I was intrigued by the fishcakes that had been put on my plate as I had never eaten them before. As I sat down, the hatchet faced dinner ladies were serving hot drinks as it was a cold day. When they arrived at my table the supplies of warm blackcurrant had run out and I was given coffee. I stared at my dinner with intrigue. I reluctantly began to eat the fish cakes. I had never tasted anything so disgusting in all my life. I could not swallow as it was so dry. I took a swig of the coffee. I gagged!! Coffee was more disgusting than the fishcake!! One of the wardens came over and saw that I was not happy and a sadistic smile spread over her evil face as she barked at me “you’ll have to eat that!” I looked at her my eyes wide in horror. How would I eat this? How could I eat it? I don't know how I did. She stood over me angrily shouting "come one get it eaten!" I will never forget that moment, and I don't suppose she will either because no sooner had I swallowed the last bite, after she has ensured that I had swilled any remaining fishcake away with the now cold coffee, I promptly threw up all over the table! I now shudder when I see fishcakes. I think I'm scarred for life!

Number 8

This is a food that I have never tasted and do not intend to. I was put off after I saw my grandma noisily enjoying it one day. What am I talking about? ...... Tripe! It sort of looks like a big slice of raw fish. Thick and white. I thought that it was fish when I saw her eating it. No it's the lining of a cow’s stomach! I will never forget it. She was sat there with a bottle of vinegar and sliced tomatoes with tripe juice dripping from her chin smacking her lips and muttering something about how good it was. NO THANK YOU!!! Yet another defining moment on the road to food phobia!

Number 7

Prawns! I used to love prawns. Totally delicious. So I'm unsure if these qualify. They do if you eat bad ones!!! Listen to this and tell me if you agree. Christmas 1999. It's my own fault really I should have known that a prawn cocktail from a curry house wasn't a good idea! The next day myself and the hubby paid for it. It was my daughter's first Christmas and myself and hubby missed that special moment as majority of Christmas day AND the next 5 days were spent fighting over the toilet. What a nightmare! Liquid out of both ends! sat on the toilet while spewing in the sink! I shan't go into it further! We have not eaten prawns in 5 years and never intend to again!!

Number 6

Who though that eating a liver was a good idea? When I was pregnant both times, both my grandmas decided that when I popped round for my dinner that I should be eating liver!! Why? Because of the iron of course. Good for the baby, full of vitamins. Good for the bin! Enough said about liver!!

Number 5

Sushi! What's that all about then? I am including this in my list even though I have never tried it simply because I think that it is a stupid idea to eat raw fish! If I am offending any Japanese then I am sorry I just think that it is a stupid idea! Is it safe?? I saw a rather disgusting email once of a Japanese man with parasites in his head and body as the fish had not been cooked and has he had been eating raw fish all his life his immune system was weak and unable to fight off the parasites. I'm probably talking alot of rubbish but if you had seen the email you would be giving sushi a wide berth too !

Number 4

Who invented semolina? I have hated semolina ever since I saw Gregory Jolley squirt it from his nose at dinner time at Infant School. Yes, the very same school that gave me my fear of fishcakes and coffee also made me hate semolina. It was low grade rice pudding. Timon from the Lion King would most probably disagree with me and regard it as “Slimy yet satisfying" but unfortunately this was another food that I could not eat. The hatchet faced warden had learned her lesson and never stood over me again so I was never forced to eat semolina, much to my relief. My fear was heightened when blobs of jam were involved, Gregory Jolley could also squirt pink semolina from his nose too!

Number 3

Who has ever been on a caravanning holiday with their family and discovered that your mum has brought tinned potatoes? What's that all about! They look like potatoes although they are three times as small, yet they taste absolutely nothing like potatoes. I know that salt is a preservative and must be added but we are only going to Wales for a week not a 3 month trek through the Himalayas. The potato taste completely disappears. For some reason though my mum always had a supply of tinned spuds in the cupboard. I can always remember at harvest time when the school asked for tinned goods I would always take my enormous paint tin sized tinned potatoes in amongst the other old tins and my grandma would always provide a dusty tin of butter beans!

Number 2

Continuing with the potato theme...... I present to you instant mash. I think that this comes from 1983 when my Dad was made redundant and my mum announced that there would be some “belt tightening going on" I did not realise that this meant that we would no longer be eating real food. Gone was the milk and in the cupboards were sacks of marvel and potatoes were replaced with boxes of instant mash. The very undelicious synthetic unpotato taste. I prayed that my Dad would soon find work so that me and my brother could eat real food again. My mum began trying new ways of making this mush, sorry I mean mash more interesting but to no avail it still tasted like crap! The relief on my Dad's face when he got a job and came home to sausage and chips was priceless.

Number 1

I'm sure that France is a lovely country to see but my idea of cuisine is not a plateful of tiny slimy garden creatures! How much meat is actually on a frog’s leg? Aren't frog’s legs better off on the frog? And as for eating snails...... WHY???? Am I just being ignorant to French culture or is eating a snail wrong? I hear people say that frog’s legs taste just like chicken, so why not eat chicken. How many frogs’ legs are the equivalent of a chicken breast? 30 or 40?? How stupid!! The thought of eating a snail repulses me ! Maybe we should take a tip from the French and see what we can find at the bottom of our garden and create a new English delicacy....... Deep fried woodlouse anyone??