10 Worst Presents

Dear Santa,

just this once could you please arrange for the following or items similair not to be put in my Christmas stocking. I know I sound ungrateful but come on give me a break just this once! I'm not asking for much just perhaps not some of the gifts I've received in the past!

I mean who on earth gives a newly slimmed down person big knickers? Or anyone for that matter! Bridget Jones' big knickers had nothing on the one's I received the Christmas after I'd lost nearly 3 stone. Ok so my Nan could be forgiven into thinking that I was in need of some new knickers!BUT you could have gone camping in these knickers! Honestly if you'd have got a guide rope and some pegs you'd have had the perfect tent.......

Underwear in general seems to be rather hard for people to buy for me, lets take the year an ex decided he was going to indulge my love of nice lingerie. Now most people would have sneaked a peek at the labels in certain items wouldn't they? Unfortunately there is no way he'd done that. Ok so he might have worried he'd got caught rifling his way throw my wash basket but how he came up with the sizes I'm really not too sure! Can you imagine opening a beautiful gift box lifting up layers of tissue paper to discover an enormous bra - in my dreams I'd have loved to have been a 38DD but since I have a phobia about scalpels coming towards me this rules out cosmetic surgery.The bra was a wonderful design of red and black frills and came with a pair of itsy knickers that I doubt if I'd have been able to get my right thigh into? I get the impression it was a run in and grab raid! I joined the queue in January of numerous girlfriends and wives as they too returned over sized bra's and itsy knickers

Now I love perfume, never will a gift of perfume be looked on as a stop gap pressie for me. I love perfume and my idea of heaven would be to be told whilst in Boots perfume department I could take the entire stock home.Why someone saw fit to buy me my very own bottle of Tweed the Christmas I was 25 I'm not too sure.I tried to smile as I opened it, I even tried to give it a quick sniff without my face contorting into a twisted knot of ungratefulness but I drew the line of actually spraying it!! That was beyond the pale.Obviously if I should ever get the go ahead to take the entire stock of Boots perfume department this one would be left behind......

I can cook, reasonably well -Niamh is yet to die of malnutrion and I do love experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes. One Christmas I was given a rather expensive cook book with loads of recipes for posh main courses. It was after a 10 minute flick throw I realized that this cook book was as useful as a chocolate tea pot for me as it contained not one veggie recipe. Ok so the buyer could be forgiven for this over sight and might have thought my being a veggie was a passing fad that was taking 5 years to pass..........

My Nan unfortunately is going to get another mention here this wasn't a gift for me it was a gift for my brother when he was about 6 or so. That Christmas Nan must have really hated my Mum! Little Brother was given the ultimate in a parental nightmare present - a drum kit complete with a symbol! Now my Mum normally insured we played nicely with our toys but for some reason when this got battered and fell to bits after four six year olds held an impromptu jamming session not a cross word was uttered by my Mum. Sooooooooooo please Santa make sure Niamh hasn't got any thing of a musical/loud nature in her stocking!

Hospitals at Christmas are a wash with chocolates normally the boxes of Quality Street and Roses breed to near epidemic proportions. Every desk has a box and basically if you'd like to put on a stone in an hour you could just try wandering from ward to ward clinic to clinic and eating a choccie at every stop! Now I'm not ungrateful but by the time Christmas day comes the last thing you want to clap eyes on is a box of Quality Street or Roses. One year I opened up four boxes of these on Christmas morning.......

Bottle shape pressies are always great to receive aren't they? especially if they look like they are going to contain some thing good! Now one year we had a "Secret Santa" at work ie everyone puts their name in a hat draws out a name and buys the person a pressie. One year I got a bottle shape pressie. It looked for all the world like a Champagne/Cava bottle, after a quick feel of the cork at the top throw the wrapping paper I really thought it was a bottle of fizz! On opening it I was greeted with a bottle of bubble bath labeled up like a bottle of Fizz complete with a cork! Worse still the actual bubble bath was vile!!!

I have a nickel allergy, that basically rules out wearing cheap jewelwry -basically if you need to know if some thing contains nickel give it to me and within 30 minutes I should be able to tell you. One year a boyfriend asked me what I'd like for Christmas, after having parted with a reasonable amount of money on his pressie I casually suggested a gold necklace! I wasn't looking for some thing expensive nor an in yer face type of design I just wanted a thin chain something discrete really. Come Christmas Eve that year he presented me with a gold chain in a posh jewelers box -this was not a Ratner's special I can tell you! I was really pleased! I even felt a bit guilty as I was convinced my pressie cost probably half as much as his did! I duly put the necklace on and we went out on my way to the pub my neck became slightly itchy. By the time we arrived at the pub my neck was covered in large red wield were the necklace had been! Another pressie that was consigned to the bin!!

Yes I'm going back to my Nan again the year I was 18 my Nan bless her thought I must have been putting away stuff for my bottom drawer! Well this can only explain the lovely gift of red nylon fitted sheets!!

Santa I've been a good girl all year and I really do think that it must be my year to get Ewan Macgregor or Robbie Williams in my stocking surely?

Lots of love

Jo1l
aged 30 and lots!