It has been a while since I have tip-toed through the Ciao Tulips, and what have I come back to offer you? An opinion on a get-rich-quick site? A marvel of new entertainment? No. A sodding Supermarket opinion, that’s what!

I would like, at this juncture, to mention that I have never had a one nighter with a second hand watch salesman but I’ve been told they are cheap and cheerful – hence the comparison with Aldi.

Tish and fie I hear you shout, why do we want yet another supermarket opinion? Take your supermarket opinion and shove it, you say with some jeering and shaking of fists. Flinching at your demand for quality and complete disregard for the mundane I offer you, in my shaking, wrinkly hands the Aldi receipt I got from a recent shop and you can almost see the golden glow it gives off with its fabulous offers and cheap goods.

As you stand there, paralysed by curiosity, all ‘ooo-ing’ and ‘aaah-ing’ staring at the crumpled piece of parchment, I throw off my hood with a devilish laugh and lure you into your sub-conscious. Let’s look at this thing as a Scrooge type affair, shall we? We’ll go into the past, the present and the future – and we’ll try for a rosy tinge on the shopping front.

I’d wrap up nice and warm if I were you, it’s a long cold journey of discovery we’re on here…

Picture this. In this unforgiving weather and costly shopping society we’re standing gormlessly outside a number of supermarkets. There is Sainsberries (all names have been changed to protect identities..hur hur hur), the expensive but quality store. Over there we see Iseland, the doing a deal dealer. And here we have Summerfields, the cheaper alternative. Oh, and don’t forget Weightrose, the posh food and posh price shop.

I tried to get the big boss to give me a bit of magic so’s I could hold miniature renditions of said shops in the palm of my hand (‘cos I don’t half like all the ooo-ing and aaah-ing) but he wouldn’t have it so I just have to give verbal comparisons. Sorry.

Sainsberries is nice if you have the dosh, you get what you want and just know it’s going to be alright, kind of like being invited around your posh friends for tea. Iseland is luvvverly if you have a freezer the size of a car park but not so great if you want to invite your posh friend to yours, and if you’re a student, forget it – students don’t have freezers, they just have debts. Weightrose has nothing special on Sainsberries and is more expensive, so unless you leave your receipts lying around for said posh friend to see, don’t bother. Summerfields is cheap but not greatly so and the pennies you spend don’t give you much satisfaction, like a one night stand with a drunk man in the cold. (I have never had a one night stand with a drunk man in the cold, but I’ve been told its like that ‘one last try’ at spicing up your dead love life after a few too many tipples. And I’ve tried that, so nurr.

Anyway, let’s ‘dooodley-do’ into the past shall we?

All floaty and mysterious-like we squash our red little noses against the window of a BIIGGG building. Slogans erupt around us like big bits of writing on boards suggesting things we haven’t tried yet (and can’t bloomin’ afford to). There you are, down aisle three trying to find the cheapest tin of bake beans that aren’t full of watery sauce and two beans (which, lets face it, is as good as most economy tins get) with your kids hanging off your legs and knocking things over. You’ve already filled your shopping money quota and you haven’t even got out of tinned goods yet. I just saw you scratch your bum by the way. The kids are driving you nuts and you won’t be able to explain to your catalogue company that you had to spend this months payment on a little shopping trip. But the foods soooo nice, I can almost hear you thinking. And it is. But so is the price. And lets face it, Johnny and the bandits (your kids) don’t care how much it costs as long as it tastes half decent. They only end up wiping it over the table anyway. Sainsberries is probably a little over your budget.

Fed up with having to consider a re-mortgage just to put the munch on your table you try somewhere like Iseland or Summerfield. Dragging you like a sack of 2 for a pound spuds we go steaming into the present.

There you are, over there, your roots need doing by the way. The adverts on TV are just too much for you. Like mum did, you just went to Iseland. Thoroughly thrilled at all the deals they’re dealing you are chuffed that you managed a full shop for less money. The kids were still complete gits but you DID tha shop man, you did it! You get home in your clapped out banger and its not until you are forcibly wedging packets of grill steaks into the freezer that you realise you’ve no where to put the damn stuff! Thank goodness for winter you think as you put the rest in the shed out back. Next time you try Summerfields and I can tell you don’t enjoy the experience, you weigh up in your mind if the joyless feeling you have in your rumbly tum is worth the extra £3.90 you save on the shop.

Sod this, let the Ghost of Shopping Future drag you into Aldi’s!

Heaving your tired ole' carcass into one of the Aldi trolleys (I notice I have to stick my own pound in the chain thing, ya tight git, - but remember I get it back after) I whizz you round the shopping aisle's.

Aldi is NOT shoppers paradise, but the prices make up for that. And the trolley I'm using to propel you round the shop in hasn't wandered off to one side either.

You let out a little snuffle and moan 'there are hardly and attendants about!' don’t expect to be able to ask the ‘so what’s the difference?’ question – things is as they is in here baby - Aldi saves money every where possible to give us poorly peeps the cheap offers they do. Secondly you’ll see distracting oddments in other aisle’s like knickers in baskets and garden tables nestled in amongst the tins of fruit. But if it’s cheap you want then, apart from Iselands, I know of no other store that provides for your thrifty requirements. Get the Orange juice for 39p a carton (Sainsberries do an economy one for 19p I think – so there are deals out there) which is just as nice as costly ones. Or the beans for 9p with a really saucy sauce – more like HP than heinze though, although the ones with sausages in are V nice and 11p (I think). Or the two for one shampoo & conditioner for 79p. You can get fresh eggs, fruit & veg for less than other places and a better variety of stuff that isn’t freezer orientated than Iselands. The prices are too good to be true. You can even get Greek Yoghurt.

“But everything’s got funny names so I bet it all tastes funny” you snuffle and whinge. A quick slap around the noodle and I explain in the most patronising voice that yes, Sunny Vale sweetcorn and Corale baked beans might be oddly named because you’re not used to them but they are fine in the taste department. Except the sweetcorn, I lied about that. Not nice, really. The giant of jolliness and green of skin gets my vote on that.

I have to confess that you won’t see your favourite brands anywhere in the store – shoot you a warning glance before you open that big whiney gob of yours – and state that the stuff they do have is pretty good, so stop moaning.

I watch with an evil grin on my moosh as you load up your trolley. You forgot to leave your pre-conceptions outside me ole’ china. All cleverly you stack the trolley up, heavy things at the bottom, squashy stuff at the top. Eh Eh – WRONG! (we couldn’t afford the generation game noise, another apology).

The cashier moves like greased lightning, your goods go from the belt, straight back into your trolley and I can’t resist a chuckle as your loaf gets squished. See, here at Aldi, stuff is done differently. To save time I hand you the sacred Aldi Shopping Rules with an impatient scowl:

#### THE TENNE MOSTE SACRED OF THE RULES OF SHOPPINGE IN ALDI####

1. Thou must root around to get thy shoppinge needs fulfilled

2. Thou must not be fussy or harde to please – as this is a cheape is as cheape does shoppe

3. Thou must load thyne carte of shoppinge with thyne heavy things at the toppe or in a manner which is separate from the reste

4. Thou must NOT, under any circumstances, engage in conversation with the helpers of shoppinge, also knowne as the shoppinge assistante or the keepers of the box of imps that go ping, also knowne as cashiers (this is because they are quite madde)

5. Thou must move swiftly and with stealth at the box of imps, for although the lordes of the manor do not ride arounde on their chariots, the cashiers are righteous and verily process thine carte with speede

6. Thou must put thine shoppinge BACK into thine carte immediately after the cashier has put it’s number in the box with imps, also known as tills, for they will not wait before puttinge through the reste of thine goodes

7. Thou will rememberest to take, in advance, or purchase in shoppe the sack of plastique which will hold you shoppinge. The sack of plastique can be purchased for the princely summe of 3new pennies, and thou woudst do well to take an opinion from the cashier as to how many are required (and adde 3 more due to their problems with being madde and notte quite the full shillinge)

8. Thou is then free to proceed with thin carte to the back of the shoppe where there is a cunningly crafted bench on which to pack thyne shoppinge into thyne sacks of plastique

9. Onne the journey home whilst thou travelling carte is bouncing along the road and thou ist tryinge not to lette thyne shoppinge spill from thyne sacks of plastique, thou canst gloat verily and happily over thyne savings and extra gooddes which have been purchased

10. Most importantly thou woudst do well to give a prayer of thankes to marsden the ghost of shoppinge future for introducing you to this new worlde of Aldi

I notice, kinda embarrassed like, that you stumble over some of the words and make a mental note to update the doggone sacred Rules to THIS century. Sorry. Anyway, you must, by now, get the gist that shopping at Aldi is fast and furious, like a one night stand with a Spanish waiter in between shifts. (I have never tried a one night stand with a Spanish waiter in between shifts, but I’m open to offers)

As you are an Aldi virgin you find the cashier going through the Aldi schpiel “One of the largest chains, blah blah blah, everything is simplicised and cut back on, like store staff and the normal unnecessary niceties so that you can have rock bottom prices on the goods, blah blah blah” and I see your eyes going out of focus at this surreal occurrence. This is because your only conversation with super market attendants is normally asking what cards they accept, most spotty little oiky students working in them don’t actually give a toss about you or your shopping, but for some reason the Aldi workers seem to know a bit about the stores. I also notice, with a devilish smirk, that they are processing the shopping too fast and you are trying ever so politely to ignore it by rushing to get the gear back in the trolley. SPEAK UP ya wimp! Let them know who’s boss!!

I’ll take you back home now, if you don’t mind, you’ve had quite enough excitement for one day. Fastening my hood back on I make my Yoda statement ‘Feel the force, shop at Iceland for the Frozen goods and Aldi for the rest of it. Sainsburys is nice if you have some extra star credits and want Humous and fresh dips, oh and erm, The force be with you’

Shuffling off with the customary enigmatic rantings of a jedi knight I look for other causes to baffle you with, until then my people, until then……