CONFESSIONS OF A FAILED PORN STAR

Sorry, but I thought it was time to update my “All About Me” review which was originally written last year. Enjoy it or not as the fancy takes you……..

It’s just gone silly o’clock

Stuart Horatio Becks Hefner the 3rd

Didn’t really have candles, in fact I didn’t have a cake. Hang on I didn’t get any cards or presents either, oh that charming that is!

I shave my head every two or three days but when I was hirsute it was dark brown

A Suffolk Punch Horse on my left upper arm with “Ipswich Town F.C.” written above it. I’m thinking of having a Black Labrador head on my other arm and a W on each buttock so that when I bend over - WOW

3.5 – It keeps me off the streets and pays for my addiction to Mens Health magazine.

Royal Blue I think; the mighty Ipswich Town play in blue so I’ve always been a bit partial to it! I also like black, some reds and sky blue pink.

I am the original Essex man, with knuckles scraping the ground and monosyllabic grunts a way of life amongst my peers.

Six wives, twenty-nine children and a goat.

Mexican, Indian, anything with a bit of spice, indeed anything I have not had to prepare and cook myself. I get paid to do that all day and I simply cannot afford myself.

No, not in this life.

No, is it in Africa?

Um yes, if you love somebody it should make you laugh, cry, smile, ache, laugh, sweat and sneeze.

Yes – About ten years ago I took my Dads Jeep Cherokee to be serviced and was given a virtually new Grand Jeep Cherokee as a courtesy car. The only problem was that it was an automatic, which I had never driven before, but how difficult could it be? Unfortunately it was difficult enough, 300 yards from the Jeep garage I was pulling away from some traffic lights when I forgot I was in an automatic and tried to change gears. I stopped sharply but the Mercedes van behind me didn’t. Two right offs and some minor whiplash later I had some explaining to do to the Jeep garage and the police. Fortunately know one else was hurt but me, and the Jeep garages Insurance took care of the damage.

Croutons but not in soup, sprinkled on a nice salad they are divine.

Um, not really had either for many a while, if I am after a soft drink I tend to go for lemonade for some strange reason. If I’m looking to hit the hard stuff it has to be Budweiser, Jack Daniels or cider. And good old coffee is the order of the day for a warm beverage.

Quadrophenia – Quite simply a brilliant film showing the disaffected youth of the sixties. All wrapped up with a great soundtrack from the Who and some fine early performances from the likes of Ray Winston, Phil Danials, Toyah, Sting and Leslie Ash. A fine film indeed

Um, Milan at Christmas time was fairly good, taking in some football and the local architecture and just watching the beautiful people walk by.

Sunday – I spend it in bed, down the pub watching the football and around my Mum and Dads for a roast. It doesn’t get much better than that!

Used to be Arm and Hammer bicarbonate of soda but fellow Ciao member SugarNSpice introduced me to the Euthymol brand and I’ve never looked back. It can hurt your gums a bit and it tastes and smells like hospitals but it seems to do the job.

Garam Massalla – The local Indian Restaurant which does an amazing Chicken tikka biryanni, and their nan breads are a treat to behold.

I’m a hairy chested, shaven headed, tattooed bloke, Should I like flowers? – Alright then Dandelions for me or roses if I’m sending.

Budweiser – As cold as possible, nothing comes close on a hot day.

Football if Ipswich Town are winning, and like many people I enjoyed the rugby when we won the world cup. I also enjoy pro-celebrity mud wrestling and non contact weasel racing.

Smarties Ice Cream, Sainsbury`s Banoffee, Hagaan Das Strawberry Cheesecake, Cookies and cream, Lemon meringue, heck I`ll take them all except chocolate and cherry

Cookie Monster – Hee hee.

Probably Burger King although I don’t really do fast food, it is so easy to make your own hamburgers and they taste a hundred times better.

I think it was at the start of the year when I inadvertently sharpened my finger with a knife. The errant digit still feels odd and has an angular look to it which makes it ideal for picking my nose.

Dark blue

Twice, I passed on the 3rd attempt. I had just worked three eighteen hour shifts on the trot and could hardly stay awake so I just did it to get it out of the way so I could go back to bed and I passed.

Gemini26 – She is a cracking writer but does not write nearly enough on here despite my gentle cajoling.

Convicted? Well there in lies a question, no I’ve never been “convicted” hee hee.

It would probably be an internet store if that’s allowed. I love Amazon for the gems you can find book wise. The ability to buy and sell old or unwanted items on there is also a master stroke.

Go on the internet, drink, watch TV or go to bed.

I don’t get annoyed if people ask me things really, life is far too short.

Is it? I think I’ll be the judge of that!

I don’t watch nearly as much TV as I used to but when I do I like Top Gear, Sky News, Six Feet Under, The Simpson’s and most of the satellite music channels.

Being a chef I do not really go out to dinner – I’m the poor whatsit who’s cooking it!, I suppose if I go back far enough it would be my Mum and Dad.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind - which was interesting and enjoyable, Charlie - which starred Luke Goss as Charlie Richardson and Danny the Champion of the World – which was a fair adaptation of my favourite book.