I've never written anything for Ciao Cafe before, and it's much harder to write about myself than I thought it would be.
Anyway... my name's Lindsay (who would have guessed!) and my middle name's Jayne (no way!) and I'm 27 years old.

Early days....

When I was born my leg was facing the wrong way. I went through several operations, and had a metal plate put in my leg which kept it straight and facing the right way. I had this removed at the age of four, and now you can't tell there was ever anything wrong - other than the 7 inch scar on my leg.

Schooldays...

When I first started school I was bubbly and loud, but as I got older I became more self-conscious and by the time I was ten I was very shy - and still am to this day. I worked hard at school and passed my GCSEs with 9 A-C grades.

I went back to my school to do A levels, however a month after starting them, I met a man - who I'll call Martin - and fell in love. I starting missing classes so I could go to the phonebox and ring him - we used to speak for about 6 hours every day. Before I knew it I was too far behind to catch up with my schoolwork. The Head of Year asked if I wanted to try, but I declined. I'd been working at weekends in a restaurant, so I asked for more hours there and left school.

Growing up.....

I hated my job in the restaurant, but I was obssessed with Martin, and all I wanted to do was talk to him all day. I didn't usually start work until 5pm, which left me all day to be on the phone. As the relationship got more serious, Martin began objecting to me going out, or seeing friends. In the end my friends drifted away because I was always making excuses not to see them.

I found out that Martin was seeing other women after only a few months of being together, but I still didn't come to my senses. In fact, I blamed myself. I thought if I was prettier of funnier, or more intelligent maybe he'd like me more. I started to try and make more of an effort with my appearance, but he'd call me names and tell me I looked like a tart, so in the end I gave up. One night he'd arranged to meet me in a pub. When I got there he had his arm around another girl, and he left with her about an hour later. Why on Earth did I put up with it?

I became more and more withdrawn and miserable. My weight swung from one extreme to another - from 6 stone to 11 stone. None of it made a difference to Martin - he'd call me names whatever I looked like. My mum was trying her best to help - even banning Martin from the house and trying to lock me inside - but she couldn't stop me from seeing him.

Things came to a head when in the same week my close friend died and I found out my mum had cancer. I'd only known about my friend for an hour, when Martin came and said he was taking me out. I thought we were going to his house but ten minutes later he pulled up at the pub. I told him I didn't want to go in, and that I didn't feel like socialising - but he threatened to leave me, so I went with him.

As the shock of hearing about my friend began to wear off, I began to get more and more upset, until I was crying openly in the pub. Martin hadn't noticed - he was busy playing pool with his mates. I went over to ask if we could leave, but when he saw me crying he started shouting at me in front of everyone. He said I was showing him up and he didn't know why he bothered with me because I was an embarressment.

He could have said anything that night - I didn't care. All I was bothered about was that my friend had gone and about my mum. I walked out and ended up walking all the way home crying. The next day Martin rang - probably expecting me to go running as usual. I told him where to go. He kept ringing threatening me, and those first few weeks weren't easy. There were times when I did want him back, but every time he rang up and threatened me or called me names it strengthened my resolve. One day he saw my mum in the street - she was still sick at this point - and he started shouting at her, saying she'd turned me against him. Once I heard about that I knew there was no way I'd ever take him back. By now I was 25 and had spent nine years with him.

After Martin.....

I stayed with my parents and helped my mum through her radiotherapy until she got the all-clear. Once I found out she was going to be ok, I found somewhere of my own to live, not far away from my parents - only renting - but it was a start.

Next, I resigned from my job and went back to college. I did three more GCSEs to get myself back into learning, then a night-school course in IT and several learn direct courses. One day talking to a friend at college I mentioned that it was my dream to have my own business. He asked me to write a business plan and said he'd look at it for me. I wrote it, but had no idea why I was doing it - I had no money, and knew I wouldn't be eligible for a bank loan.

To my amazement, my friend read the plan and offered to back me, financially. We started off very small, just working for contacts of his and people I knew, but I now earn enough to live on. I've started having driving lessons and bought a car, so the plan is to start advertising the business as soon as I've passed my test. I mean, it wouldn't look very professional turning up to see a customer by bus, bike or taxi!

I still don't have much self-confidence, but it's growing every day. I met a new bloke a couple of months ago, who is an absolute gentleman and treats me with respect. It's still early days and I've no desire to rush into anything, but so far so good.

Looking back, I can't believe how dependant I was on Martin. My mum has always said that even as a child I was independant and wouldn't let anyone do anything for me. Many people will think I was stupid for letting a man rule me - and I was.

At the time, I genuinely believed that no-one else would ever want me, and for some reason I was terrified of being alone. When someone tells you constantly that you're worthless - especially when you have little confidence anyway - it's easy to believe them. I'm definately a much stronger person now, and would never let myself be treated like that again. I'm just sorry I wasted so many years of my life with someone who clearly didn't care about me. I'm just thankful that I never had children with him!

I feel like I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in years I'm genuinely happy and am looking forward to the future!

*Thanks for reading and I hope I didn't send anyone to sleep*