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Everybody has used the 'wipe my arse with handfuls of Andrex tissue and its very very comfy and keeps me clean' rah rah lyrics. So I am going to use a different approach, and no it doesn't entail right hand self pleasure antics of us guys (or girls either, we know what you get up to), but the adventures of everyday life using these tissues. I mean why not, sure it's called toilet tissues but we use them for other stuff besides toilet related stuff right?
These tissues are 2 ply and are available at most major supermarket stores. The prices differ depending on the store, I got mine for £2.50 buy 1 get 1 free special offer. You know this brand because it's got that Golden Retriever puppy dog advertised with it all the time. It comes in packs of 2 or 4 or more and in an assortment of colours ranging from blue to green to pink. I like blue, so I got blue and since 4 is my lucky number I bought the 4 packs.
Test 1: Wipe arse Ok ok I know what you're thinking. They are toilet tissues so why not start out with the classic arse wiping flex I thought. So I start eating my food, piling on the beans and then ow... time to unleash the chocolate hostages. Unsurprisingly the tissue was soft, bouncy, and wiped me all clean in just a couple of handfuls. Not bad at all. The 'wipe but tissue tears in my hands' is less frequent than other tissues and that's saying alot (mainly washing your hands becomes a hell of alot easier.)
Test 2: Wipe floor Oh dear... I accidently dropped a nasty piece of sticky Toffee Apple on the kitchen floor. I pick it up and there is a massive sticky stain there all acting sticky and making toffee webs like when you cut freshly baked pizza and the cheese drags out all stretchy. Ok, grab the Andrex tissues and start wiping! Well the tissue got stuck to the floor so not so great, but with a bit of water the tissue cleaned it up very easily. Quite strong and I didn't use too much of the roll either.
Test 3: Wipe table Ah crap, the lovely girlfriend spilt coffee all over my very expensive oak coffee table with the expensive skirting and laminated legs. But fear not the toilet roll is in the palms of my hands and I lunged at it full speed unravelling the roll with my teeth. The tissue soaks up the coffee like it was a thirsty gorilla left out in the sun. 2 handfuls later the table is high and dry with no stains. Coffee table spared the torture of being thrown out. Oh and I lied it wasn't oak it was pine but more or less the same right? And it is expensive.
Test 4: Blow nose Being the hayfever season I offered the roll of tissues to my highly esteemed friend, Mark, to blow his nose and empty the contains into these tissues to test it's resilience. Mark, known for blowing holes in his boxers with powerful sneezes and also for sneezing non stop for 2 minutes once, blew his nose and emptied out his natural glue into a handful of tissue. He looked at me with a grin and said, "Hey these are soft and doesn't scratch up my nose." All good son, and plus the tissue wasn't destroyed by the hiroshima-isk blast so there it goes with the amazing strength of character. Good ole Andrex. Afterwards he used some more to wipe the tears from his eyes, not because he was touched by my offering him the tissues, but because the pollen was invading his eyes. "These soak up very good too and my eyes aren't in pain", he said. Well at least I don't have to do a separate test for the eyes thing.
Test 5: Tug O War To test if it was strong enough to withstand being dragged apart like the Bacofoil advert with that muscle man trying to rip the Bacofoil in half, I and the same friend unrolled about 2 metres of tissue and dragged at opposite ends. Unastonishingly the tissue snapped and sent us both flying like the morons we were to ever conceive this idea, onto the floor. Ok so that didn't work, in that light we both drag ourselves up with the tattered shreds of our dignity intact and I went solo again.
Test 6: Bug termination Ok now to catch bugs with this roll. After a quick gander around it seems the insects in my home have decided to vacate the building and leave me searching for nothing. Where's a bug when you need one? But lo and behold, a daddy long leg spider has crawled out from the corner of my washing machine as if it heard my cry of desperation. This spider was massive, with it's long creepy legs and small midget body, it was about the size of a large chocolate coin. It was not a chocolate coin but it was going to be as flat as one when I jumped at it tissue in hand with a war cry. ARGH!! Crushed spider in hand and a victorious moment nearly made me forget to check and make sure it's juices weren't soaking through to my fingers. But it was ok, the tissue destroyed it but it's juices haven't soaked through, well done Andrex! Well, it was time to flush the spider down the loo and thank it's participation in my ciao review.
So after 6 tests the results are conclusive. Andrex toilet tissues rawk! The adventures I went on with them still left me with around half a roll remaining in my hand, and believe me after what I went through it's a miracle there's still half there. These tissues are reasonably strong, long, absorbant and very good value for money, even when the special offer is not on anymore. Plus my girlfriend likes them because of the 'cute' puppy on the packaging. I like them because they get the job done in relative ease without my hands getting soiled (too much) in the process. What you waiting for? Buy a pack or two!
Any comments feel free to email me at email@example.com. Nothing offensive please, I like humour and people to be civilised!