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Life has been interesting recently. The more vigilant of you may have noticed that I’ve not been around all too much. The less vigilant of you will be wondering who the guy in the lipstick is. The ones who are on a medium scale of vigilance will wonder where I have went but wonder who this new person with the lipstick is and then realise that it’s me: that crazy one who blethers a lot of pish at the start of a review and usually has a good few drinks in him. Those of you who are of the first or last category may have noticed that I have, in fact, blethered pish already and assumed that it only stands to reason that I am a wee bit guttered. Which, by the way, would be correct. Being in the state that I am, I decided it would be fun to go on about something I have recently discovered. Ann Summers Booty Lube. Categories one and three will again realise that they may not like this review if they are squeamish.
Like, did he have a car?
Ann Summers is, of course, one of my favourite shops, along with my tattooist, piercers and the pub… which for the purposes of this review I count as a shop. It’s mainly focused on sexy stuff for girls: bra’s, panties, vibrators, whips and cute willy shaped candy. Occasionally it also comes in handy for those of the homosexual persuasion in that they also like willy shaped candy and vibrators. It’s also where I got my PVC corset for a Rocky Horror birthday party that I constantly try to forget. Either way, this high street sex dungeon also has their own range of lubricants to make sex more enjoyable. Booty lube would be one of them
Did he get very far?
This lubricant is made specifically for
sex of the behind kind. Doggy style, up the dirt path, packing fudge. That kind. So! My first experience of this stuff was filled with fear. Why? Those of you who follow my reviews may remember that I once had a horrific experience with a Durex lubricant because it was minty. It resulted in my sexual appetite being put firmly on hold while I frantically showered to get the stuff off. It was like toothpaste.
I had been seeing my last boyfriend for a while and one night I finally stayed over at his. The inevitable happened while snuggled up at 1am watching a gardening programme while it was being translated to deaf people through the medium of the small person at the side of the TV. Not to say we hadn’t done it before, just that on this occasion, that’s what was going on. After a bit of playing around came the point where certain objects were going to be….planted…. in to my ….fertile ground…hmm. The most sensible thing to do at this point is break out the lube and celebrate. Which he did. As he prepared his gardening equipment I caught a distinct waft of mint and my eyes became wide. Mostly due to the mint, partly due to what he was doing to my secret garden.
I won’t go to bed ‘til I’m legally wed
The reason for the mint in the lube is so that it cools your bum while you make sweet passionate daisy chains. Much to my enjoyment, this lube did not have the same effect as the previous minty culprit. It would seem Ann has actually tested this on herself instead of an inebriated chimp and has delicately refined the amount of menthol she puts into it. In addition, he bottle states that, just in case you’re not a fan of back-bum-fun, it can be used as genital lubrication (which I read as gentle lubrication the first five times) so that makes me think you can use it on front-bum-fun. Gross.
She also puts others stuff into it that I’ve never heard of. Boswellia Serrata for a start. Apparently it soothes the “area”. Personally it makes me think of Boswell from Charlie’s Angels and the possibility he has a long lost twin sister. Apparently it comes from an Indian plant and is used to well…soothe…areas…ahem.
Next on the fun list of fun things to put on your garden of fun is “MGRELAX” which apparently helps with muscle relaxation. I’ve never heard of the stuff and despite my wicked-crazy-google-skillz I cannot find any information on it. Lets just take it for face value then. It helps your bum muscles chill out a bit. That’s a good thing.
You better shape up
Another unique quality of this lubricant is that it is Silicone based. Personally, that’s the first time I’ve even heard of silicone based lubricants. Water based, oil based, spit based, yes. Silicone?? Surely that is reserved for vibrators and condoms? Obviously not. The pro’s of this type of lubricant are that they tend to last a lot longer than water or oil based lubricants, they can be used in water and they are brilliant for putting on the bottom of a sled in winter… hmm. The things you find on the internet eh!
The downsides are that they are supposedly harder to wash off but I think that might be a little lie since I find it wipes and washes off with incredible ease, more so than some water based lubricants. The net also tells me that silicone lubricants aren’t good for silicone based “toys” either. I cannot vouch for whether that is true as I haven’t used the “toys” in a long while. It does, however, go very well with men. And, more importantly, condoms. It is condom safe! Always a plus side!
Ah ha, Ah ha, AH HA
As for how this stuff feels, I will give it a giant thumbs up. It’s very comfortable and makes tending to your dirt path that extra little bit more enjoyable. For those who aren’t on the receiving end of it, it also feels really nice and can make orgasms even better than they already are. I’m not promising that though, I might have just gotten better at the activity!
My heart is set on you!
The lube comes in a bluey-green pump action bottle with “booty lube” on the front, its very clean looking but not to the point of being clinical so it won’t ruin the mood when you pull it out. The pump action means that there’s less mess and waste and that it’s easy to get out of the tub when you need it. For £8 a bottle (125ml), however, that may make your boner think twice. I’d say it was worth it though; a few squirts does the job, so the whole bottle will last a while.
Taste wise it has a slight minty flavour, however, it doesn’t say anywhere on the bottle that it’s edible so I would maybe steer clear of having it on your toast in the morning. At least if it does, by chance, get into your mouth you won’t be left gagging. Though I suppose that depends on the circumstances surrounding you getting it in your mouth in the first place…ahem.
And thus we come to the end of my drunken ramblings! In review, this bum lube is rather fantastic making boinking better for both the giver and the receiver of the fore mentioned boink. It’s a wee bit pricey but lasts a good while so it’s well worth it in the long run. It will also leave your bum with fresh minty breath. That has to be a plus!