*** We come from the Planet Zog - What is this Bic? ***
Bic could be one of two things; a pointy instrument filled with ink that we use for writing and otherwise known as a pen.
OR
An in your face yellow handled, white headed plastic instrument with a single metal blade and an equally in your face yellow protective cover. This is what is known as a razor.
Both could possibly be made by the same people as the logo on the bright yellowy orange cellophane type packaging for the razor, is a little yellow man with a black blob head holding a gigantium pen. Ah haaaaa! This my fellow Ciaoers and members of planetary craft leads me to deduce that both the pen and the razor come from the same place. (Though I have been known to be wrong!)
Bic razor is the item I will be opinionating on today.
*** It has a blade? Is it a weapon? ***
Well it could well be. Though ideally it’s intended use is to remove humanoids of any unwanted hair (facial or otherwise) it’s actual usage seems to be for gouging chunks of flesh from unsuspecting persons anatomy. Could this be a secret
weapon, temporarily rendering said humanoids into blood covered, tissue swabbed swearing wrecks? Or just a really, really bad make of razor? Fellow Zogonians I leave the decision up to you.
*** How does it work? ***
Well from personal experience, I would say that the advised route to take when trying to rid yourself of unwanted body fluff would be to cover said area of skin in shaving gel/foam, or well lathered up shower gel. Smoothly glide the razor across the span of skin in the direction that the hairs grow. Rinse off any excess lather and hair and in theory you should now have a lovely smooth, hair free expanse of skin.
If you use Bic however the reality goes a bit like this -
Being a female of the species my main usage for this specific implement would be to rid legs and armpits (hate that term, don’t know why - just do!) of all visible hair.
First I lather up in the shower, do armpits, usually no problem though Bic razors don’t always remove hair all at once. I tend to need to go over and over and over, crane neck, have an inspection and go over once more just to be sure. Have a quick feely, if pits feel smooth enough switch attention to legs. Start praying.
Lather up legs.
Here’s where the problem starts. The whoopidoo household doesn’t have a bath, just a shower. Whoopidoo herself is in the plus size end of the spectrum of human beings. Once this particular specimen has bent down towards the leg area all water flow is then halted by the gargantuan full moon presented by the posterior region.
Henceforth all leg shaving is transferred to a sat on the sofa with feet in bowl of hot water, roll of loo paper to hand job. Legs are wetted, shaving gel applied and lathered. Razor is dragged in a non-glide like motion with a sand papery rasp down the length of the leg. Blood begins to dot the surface of the skin and this is the first inkling that perhaps all is not as it should be. Feel the stubble on the strip of skin just ‘shaved’ and that should now be smooth and repeat razor drag. Continue procedure through gritted teeth until both legs are smooth, all be it looking like they have been fed through a paper shredder. Swearing is permitted. Throw razor in bin (after replacing protective cap) Curse Bic from here to Damnation. Swear never to purchase Bic again and spend rest of night flicking blood speckled loo roll at the dog. At some point remember to slap some moisturiser over mangled legs - all the time being brave and pretending that it didn’t hurt.
Men - from watching my partner emerging from bathroom after nicking my Bic (when certain electric shavers have somehow vanished...not sure how, perhaps beamed aboard a Zogonian ship? Ahem!) The same effect seems to happen with the facial area. Whilst it’s fun trying to decipher what parts of skin are left and what parts are actually matted bog roll stuck to loved ones face, it’s still not the sought after effect one desires from a disposable razor.
*** Earthling, if they don’t do the job - why buy them? ***
The question should be; why do I KEEP buying them? Simple really, they’re cheap. At 69p for a packet of ten disposable razors you can’t really beat Bic on cost. Every time I go to the supermarket I swear they won’t be in my basket and every time I get home there they are in my bag. Maybe the price of the other razors puts me off, maybe all the expense I have already wasted on hair removing creams that don’t work is a factor... maybe it’s just one of those human glitches in my brain that keeps telling me cheap is worth a bit of pain. I know not why I do it to myself - it’s certainly not because I like the little patchwork of scars up and down my legs.
*** Do you recommend them? ***
If you are sadomasochist then yeah baby, these are THEE razors for you! If you want lovely smooth hair free legs/pits/face/Zog tentacles and don’t want any pain with it then no. Steer clear and run, run for the hills my friends.
*** It just so happens Zogonians ARE sadomasochistic, where can we get them? ***
Any old supermarket, corner shop or market will sell them to you. I find they retail at anything from 69p to £1.49 for ten, dependent on where you go. The supermarkets and market are cheaper with garages and corner shops being a tad dearer.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Live long and prosper! (If Bic don’t let you bleed to death first)
Thanks for reading :o)
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
ooh i just love all your reviews, keep writing more please. i have to keep giving them E sdue to sheer inventiveness and keeping me reading right to the end
J4M1721 12.03.2004 17:23
Ouch! I really liked the way you did this review - from a 'Zogonians' point of view, great idea! I also liked the way you worded the review and how you phrased it - a bit like an instruction booklet. The leg shaving part was great too x x x Jo x x x
3min_man 09.02.2004 15:19
You should definetly get yaself of that planet and pay a little more for the comfort bic twin blades. They're pretty good and sure to finish a shave scarfree! Gavvy
Advantages: Cheap price Disadvantages: Cuts your face very easily especially the chin area, never try to use them for a second time, handle is too short, thin, too lightweight
Jan 21st, 2004
exceptional by (17%):
very helpful by (83%):
