... But there is an innocently small packet of Beechams capsules, sweetly priced at £2.79 which I haven’t purchased previously.
These I eagerly acquire, convinced that the common cold has met its match at last. Upon return to my sickbed I pour the last of the O.J. into a tumbler and pop the ... Read review
Advantages: Easy to carry box, fits well in most back pockets Disadvantages: Near impossible to swallow "industrial-sized" capsules
...an innocently small packet of Beechams capsules, sweetly priced at £2.79 which I haven’t purchased previously.
These I eagerly acquire, convinced that the common cold has met its match at last. Upon return to my sickbed I pour the last of the O.J. into a tumbler and pop the first of the pills into my impatient palm. It seems I have made a mistake somewhere. For instead of the caring capsules for those sick individuals with poorly throats ... ...up with mucus and worse and haven’t been able to swallow for oh, at least three days, I have purchased horse suppositories.
The packet announces a whole host of useful ingredients and charming side-effects (oh, to feel drowsy and sleepy) – from improved sexual performance to a radiant shiny coat. (Free! Delirium, all you can carry); but what use are they to me if I can find no sane way of ingesting said chemical wonderments?
... more
In my line of work you get to see a great many people in very small and stuffy rooms or in large cold outdoor places. I won’t tell you exactly what it is I do – because it isn’t that exciting really. (Okay, check my profile or e-mail me. Sheesh. It’s not that exciting honest). So, there I am in daily contact with warm sweaty or cold shivery humanoid virus incubators and there I am popping Vitamin C tablets like there’s no tomorrow trying to stave off the inevitable. But its that time of year again, when all of my –shall we say- clients are sniffling and spraying their little droplets across the room and it seems like an honour to be infected with their particular viral strains.
Free! Aches and Pains. Now you too can enjoy the feeling of taut tendons and creaky backs hitherto only appreciated by Egyptian desiccation techniques.
Free! Sore throat and tickly cough! Make your neighbours green with envy – or red with fury if you have thin walls and late nights.
Free! Blocked nose and Stuffy congestion. Converse fluently with members of the Welsh Assembly without the need for a translator!
Free! Headache – gone is the need for consuming large quantities of alcohol or trying to wriggle out of Christmas dinner with the family.
All this and more with one special “Purchase” of Influenza! As you can possibly tell, I am suffering slightly from a mild cold. But, being a typical male – I won’t let that get me down or stop me – well. Actually, I haven’t moved for three days and I’m all out of Orange Juice. Sigh.
The solution I hear you cry? Well… At the first signs of the onslaught I popped down to my local Safeways chemist and was disappointed to find a lack of much stock that I hadn’t tried previously and failed to respond to. But there is an innocently small packet of Beechams capsules, sweetly priced at £2.79 which I haven’t purchased previously.
These I eagerly acquire, convinced that the common cold has met its match at last. Upon return to my sickbed I pour the last of the O.J. into a tumbler and pop the first of the pills into my impatient palm. It seems I have made a mistake somewhere. For instead of the caring capsules for those sick individuals with poorly throats and wheezing chests, whose dear little noses are all blocked up with mucus and worse and haven’t been able to swallow for oh, at least three days, I have purchased horse suppositories.
The packet announces a whole host of useful ingredients and charming side-effects (oh, to feel drowsy and sleepy) – from improved sexual performance to a radiant shiny coat. (Free! Delirium, all you can carry); but what use are they to me if I can find no sane way of ingesting said chemical wonderments?
My advice: Stick to the powders if you have flu. At least we all know they don’t work, and are 20p cheaper in my local. [Address available on request]. I am secretly convinced that the manufacturers of cold relief are subjecting us to reverse psychology or the Victor Meldrew Effect – make us as angry and irritable as possible so we forget about being poorly sick. It works on me.
My real advice: Drink lots of sherry. Its more expensive than Beechams, but it makes me sneeze and warm and relaxed. It would be irresponsible of me to suggest a couple of paracetamols at this stage for luck. After a while you run out of sherry too, which is always a good thing.
