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Last night, just after feeling up a hot bloke and right before continuing getting drunk off my tits, I felt a tingle. Only for a second, but it was there. The drink probably numbed it after that.
After a fabulous night out I braved the bus back home and rather drunkenly decided it would be a perfect time to make spaghetti bolognaise from scratch. After eating I promptly fell into bed, setting my alarm (ever so sensibly) for 11 o'clock so as to give myself enough time to shower before I rolled into work at 11:30.
Awaking at 11:20 was a bit of a shock you may imagine. After realising that the O'clock I'd used was set to PM instead of AM, I slapped some fabric objects onto my person, tripped out my front door and, while trying to unstick my eyes from themselves, drove into work, all the while feeling the road sway slightly to the left. Apparently booze takes a little bit longer to get out of my system than I gave it. Oops.
The plus side of this drunken adventure? I had spaghetti for my lunch. I have to say, I'm a pretty good cook for a drunk! By the time I got back to work after my lunch I had noticed a slight irritation in my mouth. Then again, I was hung over so I had noticed a "slight irritation" in my whole body for the whole bloody day.
Five minutes later (I kid you not) a small village had popped up on the inside of my lip, threatening to overthrow the Vatican if I did not concede to its demands. As tempted as I was to allow this ulcer a little fun time with the Pope, I realised that if it weren't stopped now, it would soon rule the world. This thing was, after all, growing at an exponential rate.
Ulcers are one of those things that no one really knows about. At least, they are one of those things that a quick Google around will throw out a million and twenty three point two two six different answers at you. Add some stress, the general feeling of being run down, hot and/or spicy foods and general abrasive activities in your mouth area and you will most likely come out with an ulcer.
My equation was Hangover + Bolognaise and possibly some after hours activity with my man = OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH
Where the information starts. Kinda.
After moaning and whinging like a big girl for about an hour at work, it was finally time to come home again. At which point I ran for the medicine cabinet and whipped out my ever trusty giant sized tube of Bonjela.
Bonjela has been around since the dawn of all things good, which was approximately year nineteen-dot and it was given to us by those great people at Reckitt Benckiser. They also gave us such fantastic items as Veet, Dettol, Clearasil, Vanish, Cillit Bang, Harpic and French's Mustard. Feel free to send them something ugly in the post to repay them for letting Barry Scott and his badly dubbed Cillit Bang adverts into our homes.
I carefully opened the metal tube (15 grams of gunk for a grand price of £1.80) up and squeezed a blob onto my pointing finger. Apparently you should use about a centimetres' worth of this stuff. Then came my favourite part. Pulling your lip open in front of a mirror and trying to get the gel on the right place. Easy? Ha. Is it buggery. Following a minute or two of poking my finger into my mouth and rubbing frantically, I took it out, and there, stuck to my finger in a place not dissimilar to where I had originally put it, was a centimetres' worth of Bonjela™. I tried again with a tad more luck this time and (I can only assume) got it bang on target.
The slippery nature of this gel is the only downside I can even begin to think of. Mostly because I'm still hung over so my brain's hardly in a place to write a review. And yet I continue…hmm.
Actually I lied. The gel is clear. Another downside! Clear gel + saliva = Where the fark have I put the gel?? Not being able to see it once you stick it in your mouth is a bit of a pain and you just have to trust your mouth.
When I apply this lovely stuff, I get a very strong tingly sensation. The Bonjela tends to give me a bit of a tingle too. It's not strong enough to be unpleasant though, so it's a welcome change when compared to the general "BLEH, ULCER! Grumble" feeling you should have just before you use this.
I find the flavour quite nice, though I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. Its similar to something alcoholic and mildly aniseed-ish. This is like trying to describe how a banana tastes without resorting to "like a banana" Either way, its not unpleasant. I have noticed the aftertaste is a bit odd though. Slightly fishy. It also leaves a slightly fishy smell on the breath. I don't know if that's just me being crazy though. Lets face it, it IS me we are talking about here.
So, how well does it actually work? I asked myself the same thing all the way home from work, excited at the prospect of having something new to review. Yes, I am sad. The answer: Pretty Damn Well. Amazingly well in fact. By the time I had gotten home, the ulcer was hooking over the top of my tooth and trying its best to climb out of my mouth and attack me with my tongue. After a smothering of this gunk it took no less than 6 minutes to get rid of this ulcer from the pits of hell. 6 EFFING MINUTES!!!! Brilliant! I was shocked and amazed myself. I can still feel where it was at the moment (about half an hour after I first applied) but it's almost gone. Bonjela, I love you and I will be ignoring the fact you're only supposed to apply it once every 3 hours. I shall have the rest of the tube with a cup of tea I think.
What's in it?
The main ingredients are more like a science lesson, so forgive me if I sound a tad dumb on this (yes, just this you bugger)
My favourite ingredient in everything really. This ISN'T alcohol as we know it though and is derived from grain alcohol rather than the stuff you'd put in your coke. I'm going to assume it's in Bonjela because of the antiseptic properties and not because it goes great with your pina colada.
Another alcohol based type object, this time used to sweeten and preserve. It's also known as an E number "E422" which, I'm sure, means as much to you as it does to me.
Used in toothpaste and a rather uncomfortable lubricant I once reviewed. This chemical wonder is normally used to sooth as it's a local aesthetic. Tastes nice too.
Apparently derived from the same source as aspirin, this is used to stop the pain in the ass (or mouth as the case may be) that ulcers can be. No more ouchy. It's an anti inflammatory and an analgesic (painkiller)(What? I had to look it up too!)
Another antiseptic, just to make double sure the others do their jobs and to give you some words to try and say for the next five minutes.
Greek god? Tv show? It remains a mystery to me, even Wiki, the source of all information you can't really trust doesn't touch on it other than to say it's in Bonjela. Which it is. Well done Wiki.
It's all making sense now! This is what's giving it that aniseed-ish flavour I mentioned! Now you know.
Another sweetener chemical. No wonder this stuff tastes so nice!
Bugger knows what this is. I've looked all over the place and all I can find are pictures of lakes. What is the world coming to!??
Anything else I should know?
Probably. Do you know the square root of bum love? No. Didn't think so. You should though.
Bonjela wise, you should know that (as with anything that likes to be vaguely medical in nature) that you shouldn't use it during pregnancy unless your doctor says so. Though I would have thought if you can put up with a brat inside you for nine months, an ulcer is no real competition.
Also there are no nuts in this. Random, I know, but it was on their FAQ so I thought I'd throw it in.
Also it tells me on the packet that you should "Keep out of reach and sight of children" which means that either Bonjela is scared of your kids OR children who look upon its glory will be dumbfounded and explode. Must test that.
Are you quite done yet?
Actually I am. I'm quite impressed with Bonjela. It works, it's cheap, it tastes good and it makes me feel better. It's just like any good man should be. If only Bonjela made men.