There was once an urban myth describing how unsavoury women routinely bought cans of dog food, in order to prepare cheap, nourishing, meals for their unsuspecting families. Presumably the colossal savings made from the weekly housekeeping budget were then blown on something frivolous from Ethel Austin’s. Or something mind-numbing from Thresher’s. Well, clearly “Butchers” tinned tripe mixture wasn’t the dog food of choice for these cash-strapped wives and mothers … for three reasons:

Firstly, it smells really awful. It’s never easy to describe an odour in purely objective terms, for the purpose of these Ciao ops … but I will try: Butchers tinned tripe mix stinks like the miasma from a drain which has been blocked with decaying human body parts for the best part of a long, hot summer. Thus, it bears a similarity (I should imagine) to the ghastly fumes which greeted the nostrils of police officers who were investigating the morbid case of Dennis Nilsen.

Secondly, its appearance would be enough to set the alarm bells ringing for anyone sitting down for a meal, who hadn’t already been put off by the smell. According to my little tiny pocket dictionary, tripe is the stomach of a cow. Now I’ve seen tripe, and it’s an off-white floppy organ. What emerges from a can of “Butchers” is a very firm grey/brown mass, containing disturbing black blobs of organic matter (which I always assume to be pieces of the deceased cow’s huge rubbery nose). The whole ensemble is encased in an amber-coloured jelly. The stuff is so solid in composition that I have bent many a stainless steel spoon trying to coax it out of its container.

Thirdly, buying a can of “Butchers”, rather than a tin of spam, corned beef, or stew, wouldn't represent much of a financial saving for the aforementioned unsavoury women. This brand is amongst the most expensive dog food on the market, and ranks alongside Pedigree Chum in terms of cost. It appears on supermarket shelves in three sizes: The large size, (1200g) is the one which I invariably reach for. It costs £1.04p in KwikSave (and is currently on offer at 98p in Asda ). The 800g size costs 78p in Wilkinsons. I haven’t a clue how much cash the smallest tin commands, because I have three dogs and 400g wouldn’t go very far; so I've never bought one.

So why are mr-zeeman’s marvellous dogs being subjected to this culinary horror? Because they love it, that’s why. Difficult to believe, I know … but they also enjoy inhaling faeces, urine and dead rodent smells - so the only observation that I can make is that *there’s no accounting for taste*. And I guess one of the positive points about “Butchers” is that there’s no need to worry about it ‘going off’ … because it’s already well and truly 'off'.

Incredibly, there are other positive points too. Spiralling around the dark blue top of the can are the words “NO ARTIFICIAL COLOURINGS NO SOYA NO PRESERVATIVES NO FLAVOURINGS" (no commas) "NOTHING ARTIFICIAL NOTHING ARTIFICIAL” (yes, twice). And the tin is recyclable … if you’re green, and you know where to recycle your tins.

Now … just to return to the question of *taste*. I once read that all dogs would be quite happy to consume the same meal day in, day out, ad nauseum. The author (who, incidentally, was pushing the one-flavoured “Chappie” brand) claimed that our four-legged-friends are not impressed by being served with occasional new flavours; let alone being given an entire menu to chose from. Well I beg to differ. And so do the manufacturers of “Butchers” - hence they offer a range of different variations on the tripe theme (in theory: although in practice, all varieties reek of exactly the same level of putrefaction, and I strongly suspect that they taste remarkably similar to each other.) The vast range INCLUDES tripe with chicken; tripe with lamb; tripe with beef; tripe with anything else which once lived in a field; tripe with veg; tripe with rice, lamb and peas; tripe with offal; and tripe with more tripe.

All the cans depict a hyperactive black and white dog jumping amongst wispy clouds in a blue sky; and the phrase “dogs love butcher’s” beneath a mid-blue circular object. A printed panel provides a feeding guide … and offers insight into how many cans a Collie, a Labrador, and a Great Dane would demand from their owners. The ingredients are listed as: “meat and animal derivatives” (make of that what you will … my own interpretation is "meat and noses"); Tripe min 26%; derivatives of vegetable origin; and minerals. Just about everything a dog could wish for, then? Well yes ... although if you really want an analysis of what's going in one end before coming out of the other: protein 10%, oil 8%, ash 4%, fibre 0.5%, moisture 78%, vitamin A 1000 i.u/kg, vitamin D3 100 i.u/kg, and vitamin E 10mg/kg.

There’s a postal address for enquiries, a ‘phone number, an email address, and a website:

Butcher's Pet Care Ltd
Baker Group House
Crick
Northampton NN6 7TZ

01788 825872

consumerservice@butchers-pet-care.co.uk

www.butcherspetcare.com.

Plus, there's a handy reminder for you to provide your pet with a drink of water ... just in case you've mistaken him/her for a camel.

Errrr … anyone care to try a home-made Tripe Tikka Masala?

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NB: There is a statement below which concerns the impact of Butchers Tripe Mix on canine teeth. I've actually just chosen a random reply from the available list of options ... because the only thing I can say with any certainty is that none of my dogs' teeth have fallen out as a result of eating this stuff.

PS: Many big thankyous to theediscerning for filling me in on the name of the mass-murderer mentioned. And also to Kirsty1 for providing the correct spelling of aforementioned criminal's name.