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Jack's new friend


Cute and innocent I hope

I will let you decide

Recommendable Yes:

8 Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful See ratings
exceptional by (19%):
  1. hewks
  2. hannahmc3
  3. Sal4Mike
very helpful by (81%):
  1. missy0303
  2. Shoka
  3. thingywhatsit
and 10 other members

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I would greatly appreciate any and all comments on the wee poem below. I don't mind being told it's rubbish at all (I am not easily offended but it would be great to know how I can improve it.

Jack had moved from one house to another
With his brother, his goldfish, father and mother.

With no friends nearby to go riding on bikes
and with parents to busy for long mystery hikes,

He chose the garden and to it quietly slunk
with his shoulders hunched and his head in a funk

"There's no one to play with, I don't like it here
What's wrong with the old house where my friends were all near?"

He kicked at the ground sending muddy dirt flying
but then stopped for a minute at the sound of faint crying.

He held his breath so he could hear that bit better
but instead heard a heartbeat from under his sweater

"There it is again! More a whimper than a cry!"
He tiptoed towards it, by the trees just nearby.

Up on a branch just barely in sight
Sat the tiniest boy of almost no height

He had a mess of hair in very dark brown
and on top of his head sat a thorny leaf crown

Around his waist hung a belt made of hide
and from that a wooden sword hung by his side

Hours of playing had left bruised knees
and his clothes were all dirty from climbing up trees

In many ways he looked just the same as Jack
But the real difference of course were the wings on his back

They waved back and forth in the light summer breeze
then came back together with an effortless ease.

They were almost transparent, sky blue and sea green
and were by far the most wondrous thing Jack had seen

With a sniffle and a tear the boy wiped mud from his eye
"you kicked dirt in my face - please tell me why?"

Jack stood shocked and a little afraid
of this tiny creature so small made.

"I'm sorry" Jack stuttered. "Can you tell me your name?"
I'm Nathan" came the reply " you 'wanna play a game?"

Jack looked around to where the new house stood,
and wondered to himself if he really should.

"My mum is unpacking, my dad is at work
and my older brother is too much of a jerk"

"I'd love to play a game but I'm not sure we'll agree
I love exploring, adventure, and big games you see"

"Size doesn't matter when it comes to having fun
come along with me - the adventure's just begun"

Jack took his hand and was amazed at his strength
He pulled him on to the branch and along the whole length

Before Jack could say "wait" they were deep amongst trees
in a forest with tall grass that tickled his knees

When they were right in the middle of the mysterious place
Nathan stopped quite suddenly and starred at Jack's face.

"Where are we?" asked Jack "I can't see my home"
"Were in the Elflan jungle where you are free to roam"

"This is my home where magic is real"
and you can do what you want, play whatever you feel."

They spent the day playing hide and seek
with all of the animals of which all could speak.

Jack rode on an elephant above the treetops
and he swam with a crocodile with big, giant chops.

They swung from the branches that were way out of reach,
They played football with coconuts found on a beach.

Fur lunch they picked leaves that all tasted of cake
they drank from the stream made of strawberry milkshake

They explored a cave with jewels hidden deep
and Nathan gave Jack a Ruby to keep

Together the boys, one big and one small
played happily together until Jack's mother did call

"I've got to go now but I'll be back soon
and we can play some more beneath the night moon."

"Jack, just remember when you need a friend
just wish on the ruby and a message it will send

When I get the message I wont be far
at the bottom of the garden underneath the nights star."

Jack was back in his garden in the blink of an eye
and as he ran for the house he saw the star in the sky.

Jack said to his mum "this place won't be so bad
it may just turn out to be the most fun I've had."

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Comments about this review »

hewks 14.11.2006 18:53

Fantastic, really great and with pictures well....what can I say! xxxxx

Shoka 11.11.2006 20:34

Well done, lovely job I thought.

thingywhatsit 06.11.2006 17:08

Not a bad attempt at all, although the scanning was difficult in places. Keep on with it, you would be surprised what you can produce.

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Review Ratings »

This review of Ciao Poetry Challenge has been rated:

"exceptional" by (19%):

  1. hewks
  2. hannahmc3
  3. Sal4Mike

"very helpful" by (81%):

  1. missy0303
  2. Shoka
  3. thingywhatsit

and 10 other members

The overall rating of a review is different from a simple average of all individual ratings.