Ciao Poetry Challenge
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Review of "Ciao Poetry Challenge"
I would greatly appreciate any and all comments on the wee poem below. I don't mind being told it's rubbish at all (I am not easily offended but it would be great to know how I can improve it.
Jack had moved from one house to another
With his brother, his goldfish, father and mother.
With no friends nearby to go riding on bikes
and with parents to busy for long mystery hikes,
with his shoulders hunched and his head in a funk
"There's no one to play with, I don't like it here
What's wrong with the old house where my friends were all near?"
but then stopped for a minute at the sound of faint crying.
He held his breath so he could hear that bit better
but instead heard a heartbeat from under his sweater
He tiptoed towards it, by the trees just nearby.
Up on a branch just barely in sight
Sat the tiniest boy of almost no height
and on top of his head sat a thorny leaf crown
Around his waist hung a belt made of hide
and from that a wooden sword hung by his side
and his clothes were all dirty from climbing up trees
In many ways he looked just the same as Jack
But the real difference of course were the wings on his back
then came back together with an effortless ease.
They were almost transparent, sky blue and sea green
and were by far the most wondrous thing Jack had seen
"you kicked dirt in my face - please tell me why?"
Jack stood shocked and a little afraid
of this tiny creature so small made.
I'm Nathan" came the reply " you 'wanna play a game?"
Jack looked around to where the new house stood,
and wondered to himself if he really should.
and my older brother is too much of a jerk"
"I'd love to play a game but I'm not sure we'll agree
I love exploring, adventure, and big games you see"
come along with me - the adventure's just begun"
Jack took his hand and was amazed at his strength
He pulled him on to the branch and along the whole length
in a forest with tall grass that tickled his knees
When they were right in the middle of the mysterious place
Nathan stopped quite suddenly and starred at Jack's face.
"Were in the Elflan jungle where you are free to roam"
"This is my home where magic is real"
and you can do what you want, play whatever you feel."
with all of the animals of which all could speak.
Jack rode on an elephant above the treetops
and he swam with a crocodile with big, giant chops.
They played football with coconuts found on a beach.
Fur lunch they picked leaves that all tasted of cake
they drank from the stream made of strawberry milkshake
and Nathan gave Jack a Ruby to keep
Together the boys, one big and one small
played happily together until Jack's mother did call
and we can play some more beneath the night moon."
"Jack, just remember when you need a friend
just wish on the ruby and a message it will send
at the bottom of the garden underneath the nights star."
Jack was back in his garden in the blink of an eye
and as he ran for the house he saw the star in the sky.
it may just turn out to be the most fun I've had."
Product Information : Ciao Poetry Challenge
Manufacturer's product description
Listed on Ciao since: 08/01/2004