E Clerihew Bentley
Wrote verses that gently
Poked fun at the famous
So it's his fault; don't blame us!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's over six months since I posted my first set of clerihews, and I did threaten at the time to update if any more occurred to me. ... Read review
...who published a collection of clerihews entitled Biography for Beginners in 1905. The opening of Biography for Beginners sets the tone:
The art of Biography
Is different from Geography.
Geography is about maps,
But Biography is about chaps.
Sorry, ladies, but those were chauvinistic times. I sure Bentley would have phrased it less gender-specifically these days. The volume includes such classics ... ...your hand at this simple verse-form, why not give it a go?
My product rating and recommendation are, of course, for clerihews in general rather than my own efforts.
E Clerihew Bentley Wrote verses that gently Poked fun at the famous So it's his fault; don't blame us!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's over six months since I posted my first set of clerihews, and I did threaten at the time to update if any more occurred to me. Regrettably perhaps, they have. First to recap though:
A clerihew is a form of verse of four lines with a rhyming scheme of AABB, as above. The first line usually consists of, or at least ends in, a person's name, and the rest of the verse attempts to say something about them, necessarily succinctly and selectively, given the limited space available. The substance may be bald observation or mild satire, but the intention is generally amusement rather than elucidation. The customary rules of scansion tend to be ignored, but the cadence of a good clerihew will help it makes its point.
The clerihew was invented by Edmund Clerihew Bentley, who published a collection of clerihews entitled Biography for Beginners in 1905. The opening of Biography for Beginners sets the tone:
The art of Biography Is different from Geography. Geography is about maps, But Biography is about chaps.
Sorry, ladies, but those were chauvinistic times. I sure Bentley would have phrased it less gender-specifically these days. The volume includes such classics as:
Sir Christopher Wren Said: "I'm going to dine with some men; If anyone calls Say I'm designing St Pauls."
His son, Nicholas Bentley, carried on the tradition with, among other gems:
Cecil B de Mille Very much against his will Was persuaded to leave Moses Out of The Wars of the Roses.
Others have also dabbled in the clerihew, but you don't see many around these days. This seems a pity, because they can be fun.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This year being the centenary of the first published clerihews, it seemed a good idea to try to come up with some contemporary ones. In any case, once the skeletal shape of the clerihew is embedded in your mind, it becomes almost impossible to encounter a famous name without a clerihew forming, like scale on the element an electric kettle.
Here, in no particular order, are a few that occurred to me as I waited in airport departure lounges around the world in February and March, and elsewhere since:
Vladimir Putin Is not like Rasputin; Of both you'd be wary But Ras was more hairy. _______________________
Kimberley Quinn Chose a weird way to sin Instead of a hunk it Was with David Blunkett. _________________________
Mick Jagger Still performs with a swagger; He's game To do without a zimmer frame. _______________________
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair Affects a pally, honest air, And calls himself Tony But we know he's a phoney. _________________________
Silvio Berlesconi Counts Blair as his crony; It's said he's also rather cosy With the mafiosi. _______________________
Gordon Brown Still wears a frown; Would his life have been sweeter With no deal at the Granita? _________________________
Kate Moss Looks at a loss; That's the trouble with coke - You miss the joke. _______________________
Franz Ferdinand So I'm told, is a band, Which makes me feel rather dated, Because I always thought he was an Austrian Archduke who got himself assassinated. _________________________
Jacques Chirac Has an enviable knack Of rubbing people up the wrong way Even some of les Français. _______________________
Bob Marley Didn't come from East Farleigh; Unless I'm very much mistaken He was a Jamaican. _________________________
George W Bush Should be given the push; The yanks were mad (very) To prefer him to Kerry. _______________________
Condoleezza! That name's such a pleaser. It adds spice To Rice. _________________________
Russell Crowe Is not someone I'd want to know; He's a similar breed To Oliver Reed. _______________________
Michael Howard Isn't a coward; Not every creature of the night Would risk exposure to the light. _________________________
HRH Prince Harry Looks happy as Larry In Full Dress Uniform, whether British or SS. _______________________
Donald Trump Needs a kick up the rump; Like Alan Sugar He's an arrogant b*gger. _________________________
David Beckham Doesn't come from Peckham Nor yet from Victoria; Hence his euphoria? _______________________
Albert Einstein Had a brain that worked fine Who else would have dared Guess that e=mc²? _________________________
George Clooney Makes women go swooney So does Brad Pitt Dammit! _______________________
Wayne Rooney Is no George Clooney; Not being a looker He hired a hooker. _________________________
Arsene Whinger Also strikes me as a bit of a minger And, according to research conducted by Kittyfluff, Sven Goran E is equally duff. _______________________
Has Ann Widdecombe Ever come? Although one can't help but wonder, I somehow sense that to enquire would be a blunder. ________________________
Arnold Schwarzenegger Is far from a beggar, But being richer and hornier Won't stop him screwing California. _________________________
Bill Gates Is someone everyone hates. Why? That's easy - Just switch on your PC. _______________________
Justin Timberlake For publicity's sake Showed us Janet Jackson's tits. What a boring pair of gits. _________________________
This new Pope Is supposedly not a complete dope But shares his predecessors' misconception About the case for contraception. _______________________
HRH Prince Chas - What good taste he has! Camilla really looks no worse Than your average female horse. _________________________
J-Lo Wears no halo And not much else for that matter. _______________________
Tracey Emin Is to art What this is To rhyme.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My appreciation and respect go to all those among my fellow-Ciaoists who've already posted their own collections of clerihews. If you haven't already tried your hand at this simple verse-form, why not give it a go?
My product rating and recommendation are, of course, for clerihews in general rather than my own efforts.
Advantages: Clever and amusing Disadvantages: Not these ones, though
...like to squeeze onto the Clerihews bandwagon with the rhyming reviewers. The initial challenge was set by Torr, and it's become the biggest craze since the hula-hoop in the sixties, or 'clackers', those "two balls on a string" contraptions that bruised so many knuckles in the seventies (I think they were called 'clackers' everywhere in the country except the small town where I lived, where they were advertised as 'Bongo Knockers'!!!!)
But I digress. ... ...television
Too much, by my own admission
But I hardly watch at all right now
There's just no time - I'm glued to Ciao.
Luciano Pavarotti
Was feeling quite grotty
He saw his GP
Who prescribed PE.
England Manager, Sven from Sweden
Doesn't know what it means to be beaten
Fills his team with passion and fire
Don't believe it! I'm a liar!
I think the Prime Minister
Is sometimes quite sinister
Iraq was invaded
No weapons paraded.
If Michael ...
Neselrode 25.03.2005
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Clerihews
Advantages: Great fun. Can use them on your family. Disadvantages: May get addicted!
...little party game!
Joanna's Clerihews November 2005
----------------------------------------------------
Flamin' Nora
I adore her
She gets me out of a spot
When I want to swear but can not!
________________________________
Barney the Dinosaur
Is a purple eye-sore
The children see him and are elated
But to me his singing is utterly hated!
__________________________________
John Wayne Looks like he's in pain
That lolloping gait
Must ... ...flipping heck!
They're all over the box
Like a case of Chicken Pox.
_______________________________________
Raquel Welch
Never did belch
Sex symbols won't touch a drop
Of any fizzy pop
_______________________________________
Suzannah and Trinny
Wouldn't put on a pinny
It would cramp their style
By half a mile
__________________________________________
Deliah Smith
Takes the pith
But a lemon doesn't mind
Because she uses all the rind.
...
lipsalve 01.11.2005 (07.11.2005)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Clerihews
Advantages: Jolly fun verse Disadvantages: Dodgy rhymes but could be worse!
...seen the recent slew toward clerihews following Torr’s introduction of them on Friday, let me add his excellent prologue in here to give my verses a bit of context:
” Edmund Clerihew Bentley
Wrote verses that gently
Poked fun at the famous
So it's his fault; don't blame us.
A Clerihew is a form of verse of four lines with a rhyming scheme of AABB, as above. The first line usually consists of, or at least ends in, a persons name, ... ...He published a collection of Clerihews entitled Biography For Beginners in 1905. It included gems such as;
Sir Christopher Wren
Said " I'm going to dine with some men;
If anyone calls
Say I'm designing St Pauls"
******************************************************
So here goes Clerihew the audreyh version:
Mr Peter Stringfellow
Has had many a bedfellow.
But they don’t stay for long
When he shows them his thong!
Fabulous Terry Wogan
...
audreyh 15.03.2005 (18.03.2005)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Clerihews
...Bentley published a collection of clerihews entitled Biography for Beginners in 1905.
My attempts as follows are,
David Blunkett
He did dunk it
He managed by braille to find the muff
And then he got them up the duff!!
Gordon Brown
Makes me frown
Ambidextrous, with no bother
Give in one hand and take with the other
Tony Blair
It isn’t fair
I want to shout
I want you OUT
Mr Charles Kennedy
Are you our remedy?
Now its time, Carpe Diem
... ...force
They went a bit off course
I do not mean to offend
But don’t shoot cos I am your friend.
Peter and Jordan
The height of boredom
Where do YOU find something that fits
When you have such enormous appendages!!!
Abi Titmus
Not such a glamour puss
Not even a cracker
In fact, just a slapper
Camilla Parker Bowles Regina
I will not be rude I will rhyme it with finer
Charlie has never been irrrational
Her odds just went up to win the ...
scalywitch 17.03.2005 (18.03.2005)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Clerihews
Advantages: I enjoyed writing them Disadvantages: You have to read them.
...He published a collection of Clerihews entitled Biography For Beginners in 1905. It included gems such as;
Sir Christopher Wren
Said " I'm going to dine with some men;
If anyone calls
Say I'm designing St Pauls"
Anyway inspired by Duncan's ditties on the Clerihew theme, here's a few of my own.
----------------------------------------------------
Elton John
Where has your hair gone?
Cancelled his latest gig
To search for his escaped wig.
... ...overtake, you'll get a whack
He'll just shunt you off the track.
-----------------------------------------------------
Barry Manilow
How does your proboscis grow?
Stretches from Key West to Havana
And all the way to Copacabana
----------------------------------------------------
King Charles I
In civil war, he came off worst
Historical script he seriously mis-read
And now he's gone and lost his head.
----------------------------------------------------
...
scampi1 13.03.2005
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Advantages: see review. Disadvantages: see review.
word out of three
A small exaggeration? Poetic licence is my due
I'm sure that he will laugh and say, 'sometimes this is true'
In terms of wisdom he is known for comments all profound
When discoursing on debating his reasoning is sound
With calm controlling speech every point is made
He never loses his 'cool' or joins in a tirade.
Deflection is his forte used with cunning glee
Turns an argument on its head so we can agree
To vociferate is childish and only for the fool
With verbose puerile comments used but as a tool.
From Clerihews to haiku he makes of this an art
Wielding words of satire, cutting to the heart.
His sword a sense of humour a repartee of jest
His armour discerning judgement of which he is the best.
He makes us laugh both with him, which is a special gift
Sometimes that droll 'whimsy' gives our spirits ...
Advantages: I like my poems. Disadvantages: If you don't like them, I won't like you any more.
Lite,
The gadgets every boy enjoys,
Computers, printers, father´s toys.
Bright colours can delude the eyes
But not the ones of mystery spies;
They go to shops and spend a while
Behaving well and with a smile,
Then they rush home and do reveal
If things are bad or a good deal.
Sides are taken, ops are seen
On ciao as this has always been.
BIOGRAPHY FOR BEGINNERS
SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN
Edmund Clerihew Bentley 1905
Sir Christopher Wren
Said, ´´I am going to dine with some men.
If anybody calls
Say I am designing St. Paul´s.´´
MALU´S VERSION
2004
Malu, a German Frau,
Said, ´´I am writing an op for ciao.
Should anybody ask
Say she´s enjoying the task.´´
If I can do that, you can, too,
And if you don´t, then shame on you!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ...
