Colgate Herbal Toothpaste

In my never-ending quest for knowledge, I conducted my research in the usual fashion; I bought the product, counted my change and ran home to give my teeth the cleaning they deserved (dirty teeth, naughty teeth, back in your cage). Following that I had a glass of orange and whilst fighting off the nausea, collected my thoughts.

Colgate is used by a lot of people, I mean a lot, I didn't get the exact figure but it is something like four in every ten people across the world. I didn't get the exact figures due to the sedative effect of Colgate's website (eurocolgate@colpal.com), which incidentally, is displayed on the side of the box of Colgate Herbal.

The product interested me for two reasons. Firstly, the prospect of cleaning my teeth and picking out bits of parsley from them all day and secondly, it was on offer at Safeway’s (the latter being the deciding factor). It was £1.29 for 100ml tube and looks very much the same as another toothpaste.

Except for one thing.

It is green. Not the minty green that can be found on many a tube of standard toothpaste or your average packet of mint, but green, grass green. Not only that, but it is emblazoned with odd-looking plants which I can only assume are the designated herbs (myrrh, sage, chamomile and eucalyptus- ahh, the title makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it?).

Not willing to be distracted from the task at hand, I focussed on Colgate Herbal's mission statement 'for healthier teeth and gums and a feeling of natural freshness’ and despite this reminding me of marrowbone jelly and panty liners, I continued unperturbed.

My first disappointment was with the tube itself. Standard in every way except replacing the modern flip-caps used on most of Colgate's products, was the dreaded screw cap (either lost and never to be seen again, or dropped in a sink full of soapy water and replaced carelessly, causing every brush to create more bubbles than a flatulent man in a bath).

I persisted and encountered another obstacle, the almost luminous green, more blotchy than stripy appearance of the paste itself. Nervously, I added the correct amount to my brush and commenced my odyssey.

Oh, the horror. Firstly, it created enough foam to make my appearance and speech change to that of a rabid Martian. Cleaning my teeth at bedtime has now become a thoroughly solo affair, as my fiancée drooled and gagged in my general direction, whilst foam bubbles burbled from her gaping mouth. I am still recovering from those particular nightmares.

Then the taste followed. I haven't the words to describe this sensation well I didn't at the time as I was fighting back the urge to seep gallons of foam from my excessively drooling mouth. If you can imagine the best, most fragrant, newly collected herbs in the entire world and then replace them with oversweet, aniseedy and rotten weeds carrying with them the vaguest minty taste, then you're just about there. Add to this an entire tub of Vicks vapour rub and a bottle of Ouzo and you're on your way.

I rinsed and desperately spat out this witch's brew, gargled with a bottle of Coke and finally ran away from the bathroom and lit a very large cigarette. Kind of removes the point of cleaning your teeth, doesn't it? On the plus side, my hay fever is totally gone and I now am using the remainder of the tube in the most appropriate way, by smearing the contents on my chest at bedtime.

My teeth were left as clean as any other toothpaste but with the added bonus of having a major psychological trauma develop. I now compulsively avoid herbs of any kind and involuntarily drool before I clean my teeth. Weird.

To sum up, Colgate Herbal carries with it all the taste and subtlety of a Bernard Manning charity show for disabled, aged, asylum-seekers, but slightly less costly. It doesn't surprise me in the least that this new fantastic product doesn't make an appearance on their website. If this product doesn't tickle your taste buds (trust me, it won't), then why not wait for their new flavours; orange and tarmac, sugar-free chicken and for a real change, beer and jockstrap flavour.

Well, it has to be better than Herbal.