Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
Kills all know germs |
| Disadvantages: |
Tastes like bleach |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
no |
As many of you will know, I'm partial to the odd beer or two...although, maybe unusual would be a more apt word. Anyway, on scouring the beer cellar for something suitable to douse my thrapple, to my shock and horror, there was a definite paucity of beer to be found.
"WHITTHAFLUCK!" I murmured under my breath, "IT'S A DIABOLICAL, RAZZAFAZZIN', SNASSA..."
"Enough!" Exclaimed a rather shocked Mrs P, "Wash your mouth out."
So I did.
And that, dear readers, is how I came to be reviewing COOL CITRUS LISTERINE, the antiseptic
mouthwash that 'kills the germs that cause dental plaque and bad breath'. Hmm, no mention of curing profanity I notice.
I never used to be much of a devotee of mouthwashes particularly (is there such a thing?), but medication requires that I use a mouthwash regularly - no, the medication is not for Tourette Syndrome, so needs must etc.
Anyway, let's open up the clear plastic bottle and take a swig of this concoction, swirl it round the gums, and see how it spits out, shall we?
First of all, as this has the word citrus in the title, and pictures of oranges and lemons on the label, you'd expect it to be an orangey, lemony colour, wouldn't you? So would I. Well we'd both be wrong. It's more of an insipid, wishy-washy peach colour. Strange.
The aroma is, again, not very citrus-like. In fact it's as close to oranges and/or lemons as the bell's of St. Clements (though I've no idea what they smell like). It smells like a hospital (when they used to clean them, that is). To me, it's pure, unadulterated
antiseptic, and a look at the ingredients confirms my suspicions. This stuff reads like a chemistry exam paper.
Tastes like one too, albeit a wet one.
Chemically is the only word to describe it. Of course, something that tastes so much like a medicinal cleaning fluid has got to be good for you. I could be mistaken, but there's perhaps the slightest hint of oranges in there, but far from improving the flavour, it somehow manages to make it worse.
Apparently, this is the 'new, milder flavour'. Jeezo, thank flip I never tried the old, harsh version. It's pretty nasty stuff. However, it's results that count and to be fair, it's not a product that's really trying to compete in the gourmet flavour department. Still, I can't see what harm it would do to try and make it taste a bit better.
They claim that it prevents and reduces plaque - I'm sure it does. Not much is going to survive a splash of this rocket fuel.
They also claim that it kills bacteria between the teeth - see above.
Last, but probably not least, they claim that it freshens breath - well, if your idea of the epitome of fresh breath is standing down-wind of an exhaling glue-sniffer, then I suppose they could be right. It smells chemically.
Looking on the bright side, at around 3 quid for a 250ml bottle, it's cheaper than petrol...at least is soon will be.
Nope, I'm afraid I can't recommend this mouthwash.
It may get the job done, but it's not very pleasant to taste and in my opinion, that's a discouragement to actually use it. Besides, whoever heard of oranges and lemons being good for oral hygiene and fresh-smelling breath? What's wrong with mint for goodness sake? Everyone...and I mean EVERYONE knows fresh breath is minty breath.
What's that? Did washing my mouth out solve my profound problem of profanity?
Did it [censored]!
©proxam2005
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