Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) > Reviews (4)

I have played some awful games in my life.

I mean it. I’ve played games I’m embarrassed to name. I’ve played Bus Simulator. I’ve played Tamagotchi: Corner Shop. I’ve played Gremlins on the Gameboy.

But this.

Ooooh this.

Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 is the sequel to Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, which is in itself an example of how stupidly long titles suck when you need to shorten them for the sequels. The pitch for this game is simple: take the sexy DOA babes, take away their clothes, and release a cheap game for extreme fanboys to masturbate to, silently, late at night. That... well, that’s it.

I’d love to end the review there because frankly I feel violated discussing it further. It feels like I’m confessing wasting my time with this game, and I’m half expecting somebody to come and slap me across the face as punishment. But here goes.

So Zack Island is brought back to life by aliens (not lying) and the DOA girls are lured by Zack once again (not lying). I chose Kitami, everybody’s favourite bouncy babe, who shows up believing her long-lost brother is on the island (not lying). Upon realising he isn’t she realises what a fool she is, what a jerk Zack is, murders him with her kung fu and continues with her search. HAH no, I am lying there, she instead decides to take all her clothes off and play volleyball with a conveniently similarly-naked chick who just happens to be walking through the woods and rubbing against the trees (not lying).

Ah well, so the story is naff. So are the stories for most games that use sex appeal to sell, so it’s to be expected.

Graphically, the game is beautiful. While the famous jiggle physics are so overdone you’ll probably end up with motion sickness the rest of the game has been polished to a fine sheen. The music, while horribly cheesy and poppy, is very fitting to the island setting. The voice acting leaves a lot to be desired but all in all the game is rather well presented.

But the thing is, it’s dull. Really dull. You basically play through two weeks on this island doing three activities per day to earn money to buy more bathing suits. Considering there are only a handful of different games available it is absolutely certain you’ll be doing the same mundane tasks over and over again – for example, the fastest way to earn money is to take part in jet ski races. So, assuming you want to get the (ridiculously hard) achievements for the game by collecting all the swimsuits, you’ll be doing these races every day. Three times a day. For two weeks. I’ll let you do the maths because I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news.

The various activities aren’t even any fun. Even the once-titular (teehee, titular) volleyball game is horrible to play because the opponents always cheat their finely-rendered asses off. The jet ski races are initially rather fun until you realise there are only a few different courses that you’ll be revisiting more often than an affectionate Alzheimer’s sufferer. And no. I’m not going to bother even mentioning Butt Battle.

No.

I can’t even work out who the game is aimed at. The initial and most obvious demographic would be young men who are too afraid to buy a copy of Nuts magazine, but I can’t understand why there’s the option to customise your character’s clothing. Why would you care if a scantily clad woman has a top-hat? Would that somehow improve the fappability?

This isn’t even a game for absolute die-hard fans of the series. This isn’t a game. Why am I reviewing this? Why did they produce this tripe? This, this THING is not even worth looking at. Avoid at all costs.