I think Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream (hereafter refered to as EA8 lest my fingers drop off) is honestly the best thing since sliced bread. It's one of those things you can't see any earthly good in until you experience it for yourself, at which point you convert whole heartedly to the inherent Eight Hour religion. I am one such convert.

• You can use it as a lip balm/gloss, it's very soothing indeed and needs only occasional re-application when compared with similar products. Warning: see taste section below!
• As a hand and nail cream; it is slightly greasy but I find it very effective. Just remember to let it sink in for a few minutes before handling any priceless documents or microfiche.
• To condition the ends of your hair; if you work in a controlled environment like me and end up with static Medusa hair this is a jolly good thing-it not only conditions but also weighs down the bits with a life of their own.
• Use it to soften and moisturise any bit of dry skin such as elbows and knees, though if I'm honest I can't see why people need soft elbows.
• It's a good preventative measure for dry skin if in extreme conditions; e.g on a plane or piste. The latter has been successfully tried and tested by me-I may have started the day looking slightly greasy, but at least my skin didn't fall off like that of my skiing companions...
• Catwalk models apparently use it to highlight their cheekbones; whilst not tinted it catches the light in a very natural, glowing way. This is all well and good unless you have long, loose hair-at which point it stops being glamorous and ends up making you look like you have weird sideburns.
• It has soothing properties for any minor skin problem, be it eczema, insect bites or scratches. The name apparently stems from the claim that it can soothe any minor skin complaint within, yes, you guessed it, eight hours.
• Use a small amount to tame unruly eyebrows for that film star groomed look. Admittedly I've not bothered with this one. Eyebrows are eyebrows really, aren't they? I don't fancy looking too much like Janet Leigh.
• Apparently Natalie Imbrugliogliairgila even uses it to condition her eyelashes (???)

The smell promotes a distinctly Marmite reaction. Some hate it, some love it. I have to say I love it. It's not a particularly nice smell per se, but it's a very sensible smell. It smells the way that things-which-will-do-you-good smell. It's a mainly herbal smell, with a hint of creosote and camphor. An old fashioned aroma, in a similar stable to such things as cough candy and cold cream. A no nonsense, no frills aroma. You have to respect that.

A moot point perhaps, but the term cream is a little misleading. Gel or balm might have been better, or for an increased sense of accuracy, gloop. However as Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Gloop is not entirely glamourous I can see why they went with the cream option.

Now then... time for the part most people have some difficulty with. It's the price. At £18 per 50 ml tube EA8 does seem a little excessive. As a consumer I am aware that is a remarkably stupid price; with a pestle and mortar and a bit of thought I could probably come up with something equally as good. But the point is that on the whole we don't go in for all that mulching of herbs business-instead we get someone to do it for us and then squish it into a convenient tube.

In a half-hearted defense of the price, the tube is going to last me a tremendously long time even at the obsessive rate I use the cream. No, you're right. That attempt, whilst true, doesn't justify the price. It's a silly price. But then silly people like me buy the stuff, so I guess Mrs Arden is laughing all the way to the bank.

HELPFUL BITS

Have a peep in any largish chemist or cosmetics shop, most have an Elizabeth Arden counter with an over-friendly and enthusiastic orange-faced assistant who would be happy to convince you to buy the entire range, given the chance. Stand your ground and go for just the one plain old boring tube of EA8. It's lovely, I promise.