ENG v USA
(Predicted score: 12 – 0) Good to start the World Cup on a positive and ambitious note.
Here we are at match-side, well beside a telly, for the game of two halves between the Engerland team and the US of ‘A,’ team. The States are looking quite frankly like Scotland, with their navy blue shirts and red trimmed socks, lets hope they’ve been watching Scotland premiership games rather than the superior Engerland ‘premiership;’ packed with millionaires and surgery enhanced ‘Wags.’ I’ve been slightly concerned before kick-off that Obama had spoken to our ‘blue eyed boy Cameron at 4PM GMT; about the BP (re-branded ‘Be Polite’) leakage. Fingers crossed. Not yours Green.
1 min: Settling into my seat and looking out for sexy girls in the crowd! They’ve all got the horn.
2 min: Still looking for sexy girls in the crowd, and just realized the game has indeed started.
3 min: Given up at looking for sexy girls now. USA winger Jozy Altidore looks as if he’ll give Ledley King a run today.
Goal! – Engerrrland 1-0 USA (Gerrard 4) Top class finish by captain marvel, Gerrard, the ball slid through from Heskey who was again just about to fall down. It looks as if my prediction of a dozen just may happen. Yes, the States have been watching Scotland’s premiership instead. Get in! I start singing; ‘The Yankies are going home, going home.., ‘
7 min: Singing with glee, due to my excitement, I lost three minutes of play. Heskey has made an immediate impact, almost telepathic reading from the two legendary players, they must of done that plenty of times on the training ground. It was a master-class of ‘nearly falling down;’ majestically, sliding balls through and Gerrard gliding the ball into the net. Magic.
10 min: Worrying times England goalkeeper Rob Green has had to do some work. USA’s Dempsey (Where’s Makepeace?) heads into the gigantic hands of Robert Green. Nothing is going to get through those gloves today.
12 min: Several corners from the USA, but ‘Stevie G’ has it all in order and the worry subsides into a jeer. Dempsey, go back to Californication? I say with a sneer. No-body heard me, Except for giant bumble bees it seems.
14 min: Back to the action, still can’t see any ‘prize totty,’ I might press the red button for extra angles. England appears lackluster after their exhilarating start. Time for Heskey to fall down, I feel. Yea, right on cue!
16 min: Those vuvuzeles, I can’t hear myself sing. I must write to Sky about that, they’re spoiling my vocal enjoyment. It’s like having a giant bumble bee on valium in my ear constantly.
19 min: USA had a chance, if you call it that. England had a wake-up call with a curling cross from Donovan, (that’s an Aussie name surely) – Go back into the Jungle!
21 min: Heskey seems to be creating all the moves at present, with all is faints and flicks. He’ll be too tired to fall down soon. Aaron Lennon took over the move with a drive into the box. Naturally cleared and danger subsides. Rooney almost got a foot on the ball then. Where’s he been then?
I hope Capello, did a Google search on whether there were any old peoples residential homes near the teams hotel.
23 min: Already, quarter of the game has gone and England is not going to get 12 goals, as predicted. In fact the States seem almost refreshed at being one down. Just like the credit crunch, they seemed quite happy about that as well.
25 min: First booking James Milner, lunges forward and takes down Steve Cherundolo, (sounds like a wind instrument) who was bedazzling and teasing him, with the chance of England possession; free kick to Scotland.
27 min: Not enough determination from Engerland, as the purposeful Yanks start running down the flank and whipping in balls towards England’s goal. Saw Rob Green talking to himself.
30 min: The first England substitution: It appears that the over zealous ankle kicker Milner is being replaced. He already has a ‘Yellow Card.’ Tactical? - Well it looks very cautious to me. Hope Sven isn’t advising Capello. If so we’re in for a stiflingly bland World Cup. – SWP (Shaun Wright-Phillips) joins the party. Head glistening with anticipated sweat.
34 min: Since SWP joined forces a quicker tempo is explored by England, I’m surprised anyone can be heard amongst those dreaded bees; now more movement upfront guys. It is as if some invisible lock had been unlocked. There is fluidity when England attacks now. Ricardo Clark (USA) is made to work.
37 min: At least SWP has tried a shot on goal, unlike Heskey; who walks as if he is the ‘Honey Monster.’
39 min: Very predictable, still no cuties in the crowd and a poor robust tackle from Steve Cherundolo, ‘the wind instrument.’ He gets booked; it’s a ‘Yellow Card!’ - Rob Green is perched on the grass sun-bathing this is far too relaxed by the England Number one keeper.
40 min GOAL! ENGLAND 1-1 USA (Green own goal) - This is what nightmares are made of. Green makes an absolutely dreadful error of judgment when the ball barely reached him struck by USA’s Dempsey and rolled to the side of Green’s hand (sponsored by Anchor butter) the ball bounced four times before reaching Green and helped on by the wind pipes of the vuvuzeles; the ball limped over the goal-line. Heart-breaking! My better half spurted out “Is that allowed?” Green then descended into an orgy of kissing the grass, like the late Pope. I hadn’t seen anything quite like that. – “No love, that wasn’t supposed to have happened!” I tried in vain to say that sentence as normally as possible, without causing too much tension. I’ve got to keep her sweet, I’ve sixty plus games to go! – Naturally, I’ll be writing to get Sky to edit that part out, as the subscription fee covers these sorts of blunders. Green is an imposter surely!
45 min: Now called, Angerland: had fallen to pieces in the last three minutes. USA also seemed shell-shocked at the equalizer, almost apologetic. David Beckham in the fray couldn’t help his demeanor of a wounded Spanish Bull-fighter. It’s all getting a tad too emotional. I’ll be having nightmares tonight, probably involving a ‘Bull’ and ‘Anchor butter.
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Half-time!
The big question, will Capello take-off Green? Also, will Anchor Butter, consider an ad campaign with Angerland’s Number one goalie? “I cannot believe it is not better! Yes, I know that was another campaign, ‘utterly butterly!’ – My disheveled body lay motionless. Jeesh we’ve got a whole tournament of this. It’s a hard life being an Angerland fan. At least Scotland can watch and marvel from afar and pretend to dream of qualification one day. In a way it’s better to be just a ‘useless’ side.
Second half: Capello has kept Green on. The potential slow car crash analogy is now beyond anyone’s control. It is up to Green.
47 min: Steadily does it. USA opts for another booking, against Aaron Lennon. Who seems energized.
50 min: Domination football without a cutting edge. Angerland is at least throwing in stupid balls in the box and seeing if Howard will gift them a goal. It looks unlikely. Think again Capello.
51 min: Heskey, now emulates a statue of Lord Shaftsbury in USA’s defense. He is going to be offside continuously, due to his stony mobility.
52 min: ‘Ah action….’ Heskey lurched into a semi sprint from a pass from the invigorating Lennon, and predictably swung his heavy foot across the ball straight into the midriff of a relieved Tim Howard (USA’s goalie) Now if that was a ‘Villa’ (Spanish Striker) the score would be two, one.
55 min: Apparently, Ledley King, that man Angerland claimed will crown England World Cup Champions, was replaced at HT. Slightly over-rated, but the hype makes the performance yet more dramatically pathetic. James Carragher; Gerrard’s side-kick and hotel bosom buddy gets his chance to gallantly chase Jozy Altidore, all over the Park. Carragher was getting pinker round the chops by the minute.
61 min:The USA is not doing anymore grass cutters for Green to deal with; instead, they’re whipping the ‘Adidas Jabulani’ ball; (One of chef’s specials!) into the Angerland box, as if it was a night out in Soho.
63 min: Monsieur Lampard decided to take a sledge-hammer to poor old ‘Jabulani.’ It screamed blue-murder for 25 yards before ending up in the 35 tier, of the stand. Angerland are now taking pot-shots from far distances, anyone for Clay-pigeon shooting?
64 min: A corner, for the men in white (England) After much pressure, eventually a swift quick jab at goal from Glen Johnson, it was as if he was dipping his toe into a ‘hot’ bath. It steamed off wide of the right-hand post. It is a pity it wasn’t around 28 yards, he’d smash that in, just like he did in the pre-warm up game in May.
65 min: After just over the hour point. Robert Green (sponsored by ‘Touch of Whine’) saves brilliantly from the run-away train Jozy Altidore, Green directed his offending right arm towards the ball which re-bounded onto the woodwork. He got up from his save as if he intended that to happen. Thirty seconds later a flushed Carragher caught up with the action after looking like a Conference League player by Altidore. The TV Commentator stated; Green needed that!
– I preferred he needn’t; having just spilt a shameful amount of Fosters on that attack alone.
68 min: Before the game Engerland was Chelsea, USA was Gillingham. Now it looks the other way round; time to spot some ‘Star Spangled Starlings in the stadium.’ I doubt I will with my aging 30” wide box, without HD extras and surround audio; having said that, it’s a blessing in disguise, with an orgy of whistling bogeys vibrating my drums.
70 min: It is official, having seen the Green save. It was shocking that the keeper left so much room at the near post, considering the angle Altidore was coming in at. Again, it was his fault. There was enough space between him and the post to fit a BP oil leak into.
73 min: England’s Captain marvel (Gerrard) crosses for Rooney in the box, but the ball became too big for him, it only skims Rooney’s head; it lacked direction and if only Rooney was Crouchy, it’ll be a different game indeed. (Vivisecting body parts to make that ultimate super human striker) - After all the pain they go through, it might justify their pay!
75 min: Perusing in from the left Shaun Wright-Phillips spots ‘Granny lover’ Rooney at the edge of the penalty area. Like a desert spoon to a banana split SWP feeds Wayne a pass fit for a grainy Bergman film script; so eloquently done, that Rooney blasted his gift over the bar. What a waste, though the effort did point out some talent (in the stand)
79 min: Angerland press onwards. Yet more attacking seems fruitless, twelve minutes of normal time left, plus probably a couple of minutes of added time. Rooney; may have just awoken after nearly missing eighty minutes of laborious football; of more woes than a Danielle Steel novel, with little guffaws of delight, whenever England decides to venture the obvious long ball into that ‘channel of uncertainty,’ being Peter Crouch’s nod. No-body is that tall.
82 min: I’m sure the major teams must be quaking in their boots after this dismal performance. It reminded me of a ‘Morte De Arthur’ play I viewed in Hammersmith; morbidly unconvincing. This was especially when bald-headed men rolled out from the blankets crying like a new-born baby gesturing to suckle on their Mother’s breasts. New baby and Mother engaged naturally; making the audience stir uncomfortably. This was painful. Come-on Gillingham!
84 min: Inevitably, the USA team had studied England’s videos. How I know? Well, Frank Lampard was put through by Aaron Lennon. Lampard was inches away from pulling the trigger, and low and behold Oguchi Onyewu, boldly throws himself in the line of the ball and tickles the ball out of reach from the desperate boot of Lampard. You could here the girlies screech above the horns; only the fairer sex seem to provoke such an extreme vocal noise that resembles the last second of life; all so dramatic. You almost wish for a docile, mundane question such as; “who is that man chasing the footballers carrying a whistle?”
86 min: Now I knew the US had a Scotsman in their midst. Hereby I giveth you, Scottish-born midfielder Stuart Holden.
Whoever he is? - Even Americanized Brand Beckham was a picture of mystery when Mr. Holden, (Not related to Amanda) arrived on the pitch, all bouncy and bushy tailed. Shrugs were at epidemic levels among the Engerland squad on the bench. At least he’ll be on for four minutes and thirty seconds. He replaced the pain in the rear Altidore.
89 min: Within eighty seconds Holden for USA wins a corner. He’d dreamt about doing this against Angerland, for eternity the Scottish scally-wag.
90+1 min: Sadly, Crouchy got beaten in the air by Onyewu, who is considerably shy in length than Crouch. Typical, even if you’ve got it somehow, it wasn’t for the taking. Brazilian Ref: Carlos Simon calls time, and blew amazingly more piercing than the horn shrill echo in my ear.
Match anal ysis:
On this evidence, Capello interview was sprightly and not overly melodramatic. John Terry, gave a heart felt plea to us Brits to not get on *Green’s back,* after the worse error by an England keeper in the ‘World Cup Finals.’ The talking point will inevitably be whether Capello goes with Green, in the Algeria game this next Friday. I feel he will recycle his keepers and go with his Hart (Joe Hart) that is. Facebook fanatics nevertheless have brought in the ‘Lynch Mob.’ I expect they’ve started interactively burnt effigies of Green, ‘apps’ have been designed within ten minutes of the final whistle! The Brits pour scorn of distaste and our multi-cultural societies have thrown slippers at their ‘Virgin Media Centres.’ – News teams circulating the UK even have found a USA link with Green, for he met his ex-girlfriend in (you guessed it!) USA; the horror! Conspiracy files continue. Obama had a deep and forthright conversation earlier in the day, to Mr. Cameron, only two and a half hours before the England game, concerning the (not so green matter of BP’s leakage) - Before the match Green was visibly stunned; reports claim he had ‘rabbit caught in the headlight eyes.’ – I’m surprised that teams of Scientists are not investigating Green’s movements twenty four hours, prior to ‘kick-off.’ What was noticeable was the lack of support from his England players when Green was cradling the turf, hardly comradeship, is it. The case continues…. Until some other poor mite is scarred with performance trauma. It’s all to play for, Come-on Gillingham!
England's Nike Giants versus Unidentified Soccer Amateurs 
lmao @ "sponsored by anchor butter" E Review!