England

...yourself 127 years onwards, and England and Australia contest the ashes; which is an urn about 6 inches tall, and weighs several grams. Not much to look at unless you're an undertaker.
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'''Flintoff, Oval to you'''
O ============111

My favourite phrase for watching the ashes this year is 'You muppet!' and that's while viewing England's one and only victory against ...
...as the efforts of the England players were beyond woeful and I'm being generous.

It all seemed to go wrong when the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was asked what he intends to do while on holiday; and he mincingly replied 'watching the cricket and tennis'. - Alarm bells shrilled out then, his aura of doom would transcend upon any hope of regaining that urn. I did pray for rain, I must confess; and there it appeared. - Brown, could have ... more

The Ashes
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In Affectionate Remembrance of ENGLISH CRICKET,
which died at the Oval on 29th AUGUST, 1882, Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing
friends and acquaintances
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R.I.P.
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N.B.--The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.
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STATS -
Most runs scored : AUS - Donald Bradman 5015 runs
Most wickets : AUS - Shane Warne 131 wickets
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Now transport yourself 127 years onwards, and England and Australia contest the ashes; which is an urn about 6 inches tall, and weighs several grams. Not much to look at unless you're an undertaker.
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Flintoff, Oval to you
O ============111

My favourite phrase for watching the ashes this year is 'You muppet!' and that's while viewing England's one and only victory against the Aussies this Summer. - Now that the hope is diminishing for England's metro lads who obviously didn't read any warrior comics as kids, and opted for 'dandy'; the last verse at the Oval looks good as written; hence, the innings defeat at Headingley last week. Actually it was an innings and 80 runs, which could have been so much worse if it hadn't been for average bowling by Australia during England's second innings. Allowing the lower to middle order to play some shots and improve their Aussie batting averages; which looks major disturbing, as the bottom order are out-playing the top order. Jeff Thommo the legendary fire-cracker Australian ripped into the English stars last week by saying that he doesn't know any of them, and as far will continue to not know who they are. I, for one know what language he's talking and it isn't cricket jargon. - the lads are too into picking up their golden handshakes and pay-checks after the series than actually winning the urn, which to be frank is just a pot of ashes which would sit comfortably on your palm; obviously it isn't size that matters. It certainly isn't pride as the efforts of the England players were beyond woeful and I'm being generous.

It all seemed to go wrong when the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was asked what he intends to do while on holiday; and he mincingly replied 'watching the cricket and tennis'. - Alarm bells shrilled out then, his aura of doom would transcend upon any hope of regaining that urn. I did pray for rain, I must confess; and there it appeared. - Brown, could have been giving helpful pointers in how to keep hold of your contracts with the ECB when your playing as badly as watching a farmer trying to shoot bunnies. It appears to be working for Bopara who I'm convinced is half Australian consistently plays dreadfully at number three in the batting order. His selection of shot making is bewildering and for a player who obviously can play well on the county circuit the boy looks as if the Aussies are bowling hand grenades at a mediocre60 miles per hour. Captain Strauss doesn't cut it for me either; he is far too laid-back and it is like watching Tim Henman all over again; which for me is damn painful knowing how useless he was during his playing career; though still made a few coppers at being completely pathetic at 'not' winning any Grand Slams. At least Strauss looks as if he has tried leading from the opener position with some handy but fruitless knocks that could become a fascination at the next test at the Oval. - I saw a beer guzzling David Cameron also in the crowd at Headingley; distinctly shimmering in a red sheen and I don't think it was the sun as the sun rarely shines fully up north. Hence, the fact that England was rattled all out for 102, which surprised Boycott as the England team know the ground very well especially as they've played there since the year dot. Boycott commentary was as crass and as sharp as ever; snide, sneering comments that must surely damaged the microphone in the commentary box. His Yorkshire tone lengthened in disgust at every ball bowled especially when England bowler Harmison constantly threw a delivery down at his size 15 toes. Boycott was a legend in his own right in front of the mike, that afternoon.

Ricky Ponting the Aussie captain has never taken to Lords but likes all the other England grounds, so his 150 was on the cards in the Headingley test exploited a bunch of girlies bowling. In the law of averages you can bet that Ponting would come-back with a huge ton and lead the Aussie tank towards a series victory now that England may have lost crooked Andrew Flintoff and most definitely Kevin Petersen; who granted are the most prolific performers our modern game has endured. You have to go back till a cold Summers day in 2003 when neither player was playing for England. that both players were Our top middle order have not even played a decent partnership to take away the initiative away from the Aussies, which they had while being one up after their slightly above efforts in the Lords test, which validated as a win. You kind of forget that the Aussies don't carry the clout of a McGrath, Gilchrist or Warne any more, and Brett Lee hasn't featured either with a frightening burst of impetuous at the England openers; so my baffling mind is bedazzled why the full-time professional England starting eleven has not exactly whipped the Aussies backsides. - Then again I'm kidding myself as England has always be able to be undone by a Aussie bogeyman who strikes fear into the England dressing-room, who play as if they've just seen the 'Rocky Horror Show'. James Anderson has tinkered with some quality this series with bat and ball; yet hasn't single-handedly done the job when the conditions don't suit. Anderson's plight as an dominant England strike force is in question as he is notably the most experienced England test bowler going into the last test at the oval.

England may have thwarted their chance already as Aussie's Mitchell Johnson looks set to convulse major damage as he searches for his speed in the Headingley test; which seemed to be on the money according to England's pathetic play-makers. The Oval looks a different pitch as the chance of true effortless batting is on the cards, along with some true assurances that the bowlers can exert some genuine pace. I can see why Flintoff wants to figure in this ultimate battle as the pitch will suit quick bowlers who can generate ninety mile an hour deliveries, at the throat of batsmen. At present going by form England will come out second best; we could do with some Standford Millions incentive; however, it's the last chance this summer; to bring the Aussies to their quivering knees and make their pants go brown.

The wonders of cricket can change within one over, and with the odd duo of Swann and Broad who aren't full of the banter and quick quips that makes for that added edge that you require for being a world class player; the occasion could be too big. The not so biggest surprise is the emergency of Jonathan Trott who has averaged 85 runs per innings this season surely has an opportunity that could catapult his season into the stratosphere. Bell has his card marked as Jeff Thommo stated last week; 'Bell, is like dial-a-wicket'. Personally, he may have got a half century at Headingley but quite honestly he could have been out three times; he has effectively used up all his chances in that one innings. All for nothing especially as England fell so short. You might as well get the cast of Billy Elliot prancing around the park instead, if England played like the first morning at Headingley. It would be pure entertainment for the intoxicated crown of the Foster Premium guzzlers; at least the bars would take record takings in Surrey and that could only be a good thing during these hard-times, when nearly fifty bars are being closed per week all across the UK.

Sadly without KP, the regaining of the ashes may dwindle into an episode of watching EastEnders. Luck could be tampering on a series of bad umpire decisions and seeing yet another array of scary shot making by Harmison who obviously been taught how to bat by the top order. The big possibility of a bulbous curvy lady stripper gallivanting towards a bewildered Ricky Ponting is exactly what the doctor ordered. I've seen many scantily dressed Surrey ladies which would do a mighty fine job at giving an eyeful. - Cheap and cheerful tactics, mixed up with personal banter that will cut the atmosphere into two. This is required for breaking the mindset of the Aussies; who are more determined to win because of not having the likes of Warne and McGrath and Gilchrist; who took games away within one session of play. The one thing that will make all the difference is if during the five days of play either Swann or Broad will step up to the plate and either be lightening quick, or simply be a line and length bowler; at present none of them have got the balls to create that fear that is vital when it comes to the biggest of all cricket stages; snatching the urn away from the Aussies, and pour champagne in it.

- Flintoff, Oval to you.  

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