Essays > Reviews (325)

I am bored and sitting eating my nails. It's killing my teeth though! Maybe next time i will take off my shoes! I am not good at essays but as i am to tight to buy anything therefore cannot do a review, this is my only real option.

The following is based on a true story.....................

I woke up one mornig, sorry i meant a man woke up one morning ( albeit a very very handsome man ) with the light on in his bedroom and a talking weasel lying beside him eating cornflakes from a slipper carved into the shape of a shoe. The man looked around him and thought to himself,
" thats weird, i never leave the light on"
The weasel introduced himself as a lady weasel who was called Barry which is short for Gwendoline. She was sent to live with him by a mushroom farmer with one eye called Ding.
"What is the other eye called?" asked the handsome man ( who we shall just call, erm..................steve.
"Dong" said Barry who is dont forget, a talking lady weasel sent by a mushroom farmer with one eye called Ding.
"Ding Dong?" said the farmer curiously. " that name rings a bell".
Barry went on to say that the farmer had to get rid of her as there was not MUSHROOM ( see what ive done there? ) in his house for the both of them. The farmer was being blackmailed. The farmer was frightened and had no money so was thinking of going to the police.
"Dont be silly" i said ( damn Steve said who is not me ) " the police wont give you any cash"
Barry wanted to forget about her past and try to make a new life and new future with me ( shit sorry,STEVE ).
They spent the next few days in bed getting to know one another and wrestling in a fun but also kinky way!
After a while they were a proper couple, buying wallpaper and stuff together. Barry was a real nag sometimes which really wound me up ( steve, sorry ).
"Why down you go out ant cut the grass steve, it's right up to the window sill?"
"No" said Steve. " why not let the man in the flat below cut it?"
"Why did you shave your chest?" Barry would nag.
"Because i hate the way we look the same" Steve cried.

But there was other problems lurking from within, problems which Steve had only realised. Barry was a weasel, a female weasel with a mans name shortened from a womans name. Weasels are vermin and are well known for having multiple partners.
"Would she?" Steve asked himself to himself. "Would she cheat on me for another man or beast?" "What if she was not just a cheat but one of them lesbian things that i always watch in movies ( Steve watches them, i dont )?"

Steve grew ever more wary of his partner and decided that it wasnt worth all the feelings of jealousy which he was feeling. Steve was by no means a voilent man ( well there was this one time that he drove his bike over what seemed to be a dead leaf but turned out to be an alive leaf on a low slung branch of a very large tree ) but he was not thinking straight ( not that that meant he was bent even if only in thought! ) this little minx ( sorry weasel ) was doing his head in. So he decided to set a trap.

( not a mouse trap or a larger one which they call a weasel trap which is used for catching, erm.....weasels. )
He knew what he discribed as a sly old fox private investigtor at the top of his road who was apparently outstanding in his field. ( it turned out that it was a fox who was quite old and sly who had a field that he was always out standing in). Steve went up to the fox and tried to speak to him but the fox didnt understand him as the fox was infact a fox and did not speak english nor any of the languages that steve tried out. Steve cud not understand this and went back home to speak to Barry himself.

When he got home Barry was not there nor was there any evidence of her ever being there. All this had infact never happened as steve was really a drug addict. The whole thing nearly distroyed steve but he picked himself up again ( as well as a guitar ) changed his name to Pete, dated a supermodel called Kate and become a media tart and a hero to homeless smackheads the world over....................................​...............To be continued