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I'm writing about this because I am sitting all on my own thinking about it, and I have nobody else to talk to about it!

Most people on here who know me probably think I'm a happy person with no woes or worries. This is a good thing, as its the impression that I want to create. However, the reality is very different. I want to explain why, because hopefully if I do, I may start to come to terms with things. Its a part of my life that I generally block out, but I will try to stay honest and accurate at all times.

So. A while back (I'd rather not say when exactly if you don't mind) I had hit a bad point in my life. I had split up with the person I had expected to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, all my friends rallied round me, and I was going out an awful lot. One person in particular, Kevin, seemed to understand what I was going through. His girlfriend had been cheating on him with his best friend, and had left him for this person.

We started out as friends, and used to talk, have a laugh and dance together to our favourite songs. After a while I realised that I had come to like him as more than just a friend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the last person to have a one night stand as I generally don't trust any person enough to do so. However, with Kevin I felt that things were different, as we had both been hurt.

We spent a night togrther at a friends house. It didn't go that far, just kisses and cuddles. The next morning we talked about what had happened and agreed that we didn't want a relationship, we just wanted to have some fun with each other! Was this wrong? I don't think so. We were both single, both been hurt, and wanted some affection and attention with no strings attached.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later, we spent the night together for real. Yes, it was nice, I enjoyed it, but a mutual friend (actually an ex boyfriend of mine from a long while back) was unhappy with what was going on, so we agreed that it would just be a one off, and that we would remain good friends but nothing more.

It actually did me a favour, as I realised that my relationship wasn't asawful as i thought it was , and really deserved another go. Obviously I Didn't jump straight into it, I decided t give it a few weeks to think about it, just to make sure I was sure. How lucky it was that I did that.

I went to the doctors for a routine check up. I thought I should mention to her that I was feeling a little odd of late. A bit sicky, and tired a lot of the time. She suggested that maybe I could be pregnant, sent a urine sample away for testing, and then said that I could do a home test in the mean time, to get an answer a litle quicker, as their tests can take up to 5 days to come back. I bought a test that day, but as far as I was concerned there was no way I could be pregnant! WRONG!! The test was positive.

I was at a complete loss for what to do. Yes, a part of me wanted the baby, because it was a part of me, and I loved it. But another part thouht that the best thing to do wouldbe to have a termination as soon as possible while I was still really early on, and then get on with my life.

I thought about telling kevin, but thought that it was probably best to work everything out in my head before giving him news that I knew would be unwelcome. I confided in one friend, who advised me to terminate the pregnanct as soon as possible, as a baby was the last thing I needed at that time.

Whilst trying to make my mind up, I made an appointment with a Marie Stopes clinic. They perform terminations, but the first thing they do is arrange for a counselling session, so that you can talk about what you want and go through all the options you have. By this time though, I had already decided that I din't want to continue with the pregnancy. I had also decided that there was no need to burden Kev with this. I felt that it was unfair to inform him of something that I had taken upon myself to sort out, if I wasn't going to let him have a say in what was going to happen.

So, I went in to work the next day and confided in a friend, as I would need her to cover me when I went in for the termination. She went mad at me. She said I was being unfair to Kevin, that he had a right to know about what was happening, and also should be involved in any decision about his unborn child. I hadn't really seen it like that. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I felt that this was my problem, and that ultimately I would be the one who's life would change, and he could walk away any time. To cut a long story short, she told quite a few of my friends, in the hope that Kevin would find out, which upset me greatly.

When I woke up the next morning, it was to find that i had been bleeding in the night. Having had a miscarriage before, I was well aware of what this meant. I had a strange feeling of sadness that I had lost the baby, and relief that such a tough decision had been taken away from me. After a few days I went to a private clinic and had a scan which confirmed I had lost the baby, and that as it had all been expelled (sonographers words, not mine) I wouldn't need to have a d and c, which is a rather unpleasant procedure to clear your womb of any left over parts after losing a baby. I went home feeling sad, relieved, guilty that I felt more relieved than sad, sore and tired, and wanted nothing more than to sleep for a couple of days and then put the whole thing behind me. If you have caught on to the general theme of this sorry tale far, you'll probably already know that this was not meant to be.

One friend who had found out in the aftermath of Laura (girl from work) informed me that if I didn't tell Kev then he would, and no amount of me telling him that it was all over now and was pointless upsetting him would dissuade him. So I told Kev, hoping that he would take it better coming from me than hearing it second hand from someone else. I tried to play it down, telling him it was no big deal, that I had dealt with it on my own, and didn't expect anything from him except continuing friendship and someone to chat with or hug me if I needed it. He seemed to take it quite well.

He said he would come round to see me in the next couple of days to talk about it properly, and that If I needed him for anything he would be there. He didn't come round, and I never received a phonecall or text from him from then on. Even when I went out a week later and started bleeding again quite heavily. I knew he was out in the same place, and I was out with people who had no idea what had happened, so I sent him a quick text asking him if he could help me get home. I then went outside and started waitin in line for a cab. After 15 minutes I was in quite a bit of pain, and ened up hunched over on the floor to try to make myself more comfortable. Then I saw Kevin. With a bunch of his mates, laughing and joking on his way into another club. He looked straight at me, then carried on walking. I did manage to get myself home and was ok, but i was still hurt and confused. He'd promised me he'd be there if I ever needed him. What a worthless lying piece of scum!

I got back with my boyfriend shortly after that, and although I still got upset about it all every now and again, but the pain eased in time, mainly by seeing the people that were friends withKevin as well as me a little as possible. I still heard a lot about him, especially when he got back with an ex girlfriend who they all hate because she cheated on him with his best friend, moved to Spain with this guy and then came running back to Kev a few years later when that relationship ended in tears. I thought this was a good thing, and hoped she would hurt him all over again. He deserved no more. Then I hear they're moving in together. Where? A flat right outside my house. I mean, they overlook ever single room of my house. Lovely!

It's absolute hell. He's obviously told this girl a garbled version of events. I get texts from her telling me to leave her boyfriend alone, as though i'd want him, and that everybody thinks I'm sad and pathetic and probably made the whole thing up. Ouch. Well it would hurt, if i actually gave a shit what some narrow minded immature little witch thought. What does hurt, though, is the constant reminders. They park their cars right outside my gate, and if i'm ever in the car park at the same time as them, I see smug little smirks on their faces, as if they feel they've won something over me. Maybe they have. The people who were mine and Kevins friends now see much more of Kevin and the apparently despised Amy than they do me. They were there celebrating their engagement, even thought they all think Kev is being the biggest mug for agreeing to marry the girl. I'm sitting at some random table at one of my best friends weddings because Kevin and Amy will be at the table with all the people I have known and loved since I was 11.

And now, would you believe, they are trying for a baby. Apparently she's pushing for it, telling Kevin that everything will change when they have a baby of their own. I can't help but think she obviously doesn't know just how responsibility phobic this man is.

I also feel like she just wants a little thing to parade up and down outside my gate in a "look what I got that you didn't" kind of thing. Trust me, she really is that callous.

There are so many things I could say, there is a lot more to this story, but to tell the whole lot would take forever, and would cause so many problems for me, and one at all for them. I just felt I hadto talk to someone about all these feelings running around in my head. I can't talk to anyone else, as the only people who know are also Kevins friends, and I can't be sure that everything I say doesn't go straight back to him. So I'm sorry for rambling on for ages, and I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but if it's garbled written here, its 100 times worse in my mind!

Thanks for reading.

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