"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
Looking back, some would say I was privileged, some would say I was disadvantaged. I would say I was impressionable.
Memory is a funny thing. Thinking about my least favorite place of work I remember how much fun the people were, how enjoyable the after hours drinking was, how even when rushed of my feet and surrounded by moronic customers I could laugh later on.
If I put more effort into remembering I realize I don't even won't to be in that building again let alone work there; why? Because I had some of my worst experiences of the whole of my teenage life there, I was betrayed, backstabbed and hated. I was distrusted, disliked, and mentally disassembled. I had a crow bar held against my throat, £30,000 stolen, underwear destroyed, and the finger of blame pointed at me. I had my finger, toe, nose and heart broken. I had my confidence, self-esteem, and spirit crushed. I had a doctor's note for fatigue, depression, and anxiety. I had a letter of resignation. So why do I remember the good times first? Why do I remember the good times at all?
These all make me wonder what words would be used upon deeper reflection. As I said, some people would say my childhood was privileged, some would say I was disadvantaged, I would say I was impressionable. I was a sponge being dripped on by anger, I was blotting paper with an ink doodle of self hatred in one corner. Each leaf on my tree was a wish and a dream, until the autumn of other peoples reality set in. "You can be anything you want" "Study hard, the world will be your oyster" "Must try harder" Well I didn't know what I wanted to be, I was trying as hard as I could, and I'm allergic to shellfish.
I spent my childhood hiding: I hid my sexuality for fear of being hated; I hid my accent for fear of being judged; I hid my intellect for fear of being labeled; I hid my smoking from fear of my father, and I hid who I was for fear of not being liked. Maybe I didn't spend it hiding; maybe I just spent it scared.
Why would I spend my early life this way when I was a privileged child? The chemical imbalances in my brain, coupled with intense amounts of hormones might have had a part to play, but I think conditioning was the real culprit.
How many times has an of the cuff comment of mine shaped someone's future? I'm scared to think. When I was nine, I had what was referred to as a hedgehog doo, I quite liked that as my hair was all spiky, and after all hedgehogs are pretty damn cool. But some "enlightened" child in the play ground however, felt the need to point out my forehead. I had lived a life of ignorance until that point, not knowing that my forehead was larger than average, only slightly, but enough of a difference for a bully to spot. It was nearly ten years later before I had a hair style that showed my forehead.
That, and many other incidents came flooding back recently while eating dinner with a friend. The normal dinner entertainment of her six year old and her boyfriend arguing was in full swing, which I think says more about her choice of companion than her daughter. He made a mortal error when fighting with a child and uttered the words "well I think" shortly followed by something about potatoes not being modeling clay. This was obviously replied to with "well I think" she was cut off mid sentence and told that "no one cares what you think, now eat your dinner."
I can't remember which stunned me more, his attitude or the fact her mother didn't say anything in her defense. All I could think was that I cared a lot more about what she says than what he does. Later on I couldn't help but wonder how many times a child needs to hear the words "no one cares what you think" before they start to believe them. I only had to be told once about the size of my forehead for it to affect the next decade of my life, I just hope the little girl in question is made of stronger stuff then me.
Where does all this bring me? Well I wouldn't mind my childhood again with what I know now, but who wouldn't. I work with children all the time and I'm very careful about what I say and how I say it. Don't get me wrong-if I know they could have tried harder then I will tell them so but I make sure and criticism is matched by a complement. Instead of "you've gone over the lines a lot there" I would say "that's amazingly neat on this side, do you think you can make that side just as neat?"
It's sometimes really stupid what we hear, especially when it's not actually being said. The quote at the beginning will say many different things to different people, but to me it says simply never grow up. Grow older but never lose the child within. Do something each day because you want to, not because you have to.
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Oct 15th, 2006
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