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....A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
...."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
....The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff,
"Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."
.......A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped.
The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
.....A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
......A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal.Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And waved again !
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hairs. Adds permanent wave."
.......When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."