Everything that starts with D ...

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Everything that starts with D ...

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Review of "Everything that starts with D ..."

published 03/12/2004 | ElizaF
Member since : 14/08/2003
Reviews : 73
Members who trust : 99
About me :
Pro May amuse you
Cons May induce vomiting, severe headaches and mental damage
very helpful

"A very Diiiiiiiirtty word"

Xmas bog roll - It does exist!!!!

Xmas bog roll - It does exist!!!!

Ok, it is Dec. 01 and to date I have studiously avoided mentioning *that* word all year. It wasn't easy, believe me.

In my Baileys review I told a story of an aunt who has a large glass of that substance during *that* time of year. In a real ale review I remarked that the featured liquid was bitter-sweet enough to be a useful bind for a *that* time of year pudding.

If I had to write the word I put it in a format usually reserved in print for words that rhyme with pitt and luck. Then I realised the * on my keyboard was looking worn and tired so I refrained with what I reckoned to be admirable restraint.

Now however, as it is now December I am going to let go and mention the word with gay (old-fashioned meaning) abandon. It is with the relief of a matronly-figured woman releasing her bosoms from the restraints of underwiring at the end of a long day that I am going to go on about CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

There are some musings I have had on how I know it is the Christmas season. They are all my own demented ravings by the way but don’t worry if you haven’t the time, patience or inclination to read them, I daresay they will be coming to an email in-box near you as a part of the continual re-cycling of all new jokes introduced to the small intimate domain of the interweb thingie.

So do any of these seem familiar to you? -

# Suddleny people riding home in taxis wearing glowing antlers and making up demented verses to ‘Jingle bells’ seem commonplace.

# You buy loo roll with sleigh-bells on it without blushing at the checkout

# You google the perfect serving temperature of mulled wine

# You actually start to wonder which of the Christmas compilation CDs advertised on TV has the most songs on it that you like

# You get a bit weepy at the opening strains of ‘The little drummer boy’

# During the first week of December, you buy a can of silver paint from B&Q intending to spray twigs from the garden to make decorations. When you go to store it in the cupboard under the stairs, you discover the same can of spray paint from last year, unopened.

# You quickly use up the last of the fancy bath products that your workmates bought you from last year in order to make space for this years influx.

# You decide not to make a Christmas pudding this year but feel so guilty about buying one that you compensate and make a chocolate log, cream sponge, apple crumble and fruit tarts. Then you wonder what was wrong with them as your guests can only manage half a slice of each after Christmas day dinner.

# Somehow the allowance of half a bottle of champagne for each of your four dinner guests turns into a need to buy a dozen just in case" which all manage to ‘disappear’.

# You send Christmas cards to people you have not talked to in person for years for the simple reason that you have their addresses in your address book. Next year you will ONLY send cards to people who send you cards. (Remember saying that last year?)

# You discover all the bargain purchases you made in the previous January sales for use as Christmas presents. This discovery is made incidentally AFTER you have bought and wrapped all new gifts for this Christmas.

# You plan an entire evening around watching ‘It’s a wonderful life’

# You sit down with the children to watch ‘The snowman’ and realise they have all left the room and you are sitting there weeping in your own.

# Replying “oh whatever you think..” to the ‘what would you like’ question. You’re a successful accomplished homemaker or professional, yet somehow cannot tell your nearest and dearest that you would really like a replacement printer cartridge as a present. So you get the additions to your collections of bathballs, keyrings and bottle-openers and it is all your OWN FAULT!

# You still put up the dog-eared magic lanterns that your children / nephews/ nieces made for you decades ago. In fact truth be told, you went looking for other decorations to match up with their extravagant purples and yellows, greens and reds.

# You try to work out which of your smart trousers has the most ‘expanding’ potential to wear on the day

# You have an excuse to have a glass of champagne before midday as a ‘heart starter’ to motivate you to start peeling the carrots

# Everytime you open the food cupboard a tin of roasted chestnuts that you have no recollection whatsoever of buying falls out.

# You discover a container of bread sauce in the microwave on Boxing Day. Don’t bother sniffing it, just throw it out.

# You start conversations with the opening of: "Kids today have too much" or "I'm not going to go mad this year"

# The first time you say 'Merry Christmas' to a shop assistant opens a floodgate and you even start saying it to bus drivers.

# Suddleny the shops which were laden with artificial snowflakes and harsh Christmas lights before Holloween had even passed become warm and attractive places.

# You stop using the word 'Twee' for a whole two weeks.

# Panic sets in when you cannot find the angel for the top of the Christmas tree and you have palpitations hoping that no-one realised you have put a plastic figure of Gollom on the top of the tree with a white satin wrap around him.

# You know why your spouse / lover is smiling when you say "I think the walk we have on Christmas morning is the nicest one of all year" It is because you say it every year. You love them a bit more for knowing and remembering this about you. (Remember this feeling when you want to trottle them about some innocent observation about the roast potatoes later on)

# The last one is personal to me and it will only happen to me - I am 30 this Christmas day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Comments on this review

  • RICHADA published 09/06/2005
    .......And a very merry Christmas / happy birthday to you! Am I the last or the first one to say it this year?! Another superb review. I can't stand the way Christmas comes to the shops earlier and earlier every year, it seems that just before the kids go back to school in September our local Asda is putting out the Christmas stock - oh well better buy now while stocks last I guess. I'll let you into a little secret - it's four years since Richada had Christmas in merry old England - we go to Mrs R.'s parents in Poland, it has altogether more meaning there. Yo ho ho! (Never mind it could have been worse, you might have been called Noel or Holly or something equally "seasonal"!)
  • kthdsn published 31/01/2005
    I hope you had a good christmas and new year. I'm quite glad its all over and everything can go back to normal. Kate xx
  • jesi published 17/01/2005
    Our senior pastor shares your birthday - that's apparently why he was called "Noel" - We just scatter the birthdays/special events around the date - 19th Son, 21st Daughter, 26th Son-in-Law, 29th Grandson, 1st(Jan) My Sister/My Cousin/My Aunt-Uncle Wedding Anniversary, 4th my Nephew/both Daughters' Mothers-in-Law - and that's just in the close family... I bought 4 rolls for £ at Poundland Dec 2000 - finally gave the last two rolls away this year to a young couple who had their SS money messed up just before *that-time-of-year* and whose husband made a practical present request for a "food hamper" (interpreted broadly to include nappie wipes and washing powder) jes &#8776;&#8776;&#8776;&#8776;{; -)-{{::::: |||||<
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Listed on Ciao since: 15/06/2001