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♥ mY DIARIEs ♥

For the past 2 years I have been keeping a diary. I started to write one because sometimes I need to get stuff off my chest and when nobody else is there my diary is. I get to rant in it, to love in it, to hate in it, to be happy in it and to be myself in it! It really is the most personal thing anyone can ever keep so it's not much fun when you find out that one of your friends has been reading it! Yes, you know who you are! But I decided to write this review because other people seem to have a fascination with reading other people's diaries so I decided to share with you lot of yobs (lol) some of my most personal thoughts and memories! Yu may hate it, hate me after reading or, god help, find it interesting! There's some poetry here, some lyrics, some music, some weird weird stuff, some happy stuff, some times when I was on the edge of despair and you get to see a little piece of the real me!

I'm gonna regret this, I really really am! So here it is, some pieces from my diary...

♥ mY FIRST & MOST TREASUREd ♥

♦ 6:28 p.m Friday 18th March 2005

I have so much in my head right now that I don't even know what it is I'm thinking about because I can't pick out a thought in my head and actually concentrate on it long enough to even know what the thought is. I'm so confused that I don't have a f**king clue as to what to do next!? Maybe I should join Jody on her downward spiral into alcoholism!!! So now I'm just sitting here smoking a cigarette wondering what to write next. I have so much to write. I feel the need to write but I just can't think straight (no pun intended!)

♦ 3:14 a.m Wednesday 23rd March 2005

I've also discovered a new comfort in Alanis Morissette's music. I got her 'Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie' album today which has completely blown me away. It's beautiful but with a sense of aggression and has put a couple of things into perspective for me. Like to just take the chance & oppurtunity while you have it and whatever the outcome at least you know that you can move on from it instead of being stuck in a loop.

♦ Lyrics I wrote entitled 'STILL HERE'

The strings that hold me together are breaking, every love i ever encounter is taken.
The fire I feel deep within me is waiting to be awoken and I'm still here.
I'm still here, still searching for myself & a place I won't have to fear and I'm still here.
I'm waiting for the one who with everything seems clear and I'm still here.

♦ Saturday 2nd April 2005

I've got so much stuff going on in my head that I want to write down every single thought in my head but there's not enough books in the world. And on a last note, If I have to listen to Steve my mom's boyfriend babble on about pointless s*it once more i might kill myself or him for that matter.

♦ Things I need to do A.S.A.P (17 April 2005)

1) Send for a N.I card
2) Order Perfume
3) Take C.D's back
4) Pay for rent & train tickets
5) Get P45

comment from my boyfriend that I wrote down:

'You'd be fantastic any way, shape or form. To me your damn near perfect even in your imperfections.

You've made me happier then anyone has a right to be'

♦ April 2005

I'm sat here in work without my diary but I need to write it down. I need to get it out. Andy's the best thing to happen to me in such a long time so why am i still unhappy? I think I've lost myself. I can't find me. The light has become to dim to even look. I'm unhappy where I'm living right now. I have no personal space except in my room where I'm spending almost all of my time but I have no time or peace to myself. I'm just extremely confused right now. Ending everything has been almost a constant thought in my head recently.

♦ Some random comments!

''If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done''

''Whatever, don't matter, I can sing about pancake batter!'' - I think this was taken from a MADTV parody of Shakira singing Whenever, Wherever!

♦ 22nd June 12:45 p.m Wednesday

I knew something was going to go wrong. This morning on the 2nd day of my new job I failed to get up and missed the shift completely. But they phoned & said don't worry so my job's safe for now thank christ!

- Well those are some pages from my very first diary so on to the next!

♥ mY SECOND DIARy ♥

♦ A dream i recalled but undated

My aunty Nicola was on holiday and I was looking after her baby here in this house but I'd completely forgotten to feed it. So i picked the baby up & we started talking. I asked it if it was hungry and it said yes so I took it into the kitchen to make it food when I woke up!

♦ Favourite song today dated 29th June 2005

Tori Amos: Caught a lite sneeze

♦ Sunday 17th July at trainstation

It's possibly been the best two days of my entire life and Andy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. The only reason I was a bit down with him at the end of the night was because I didn't want to go home without him. I don't want to go home without him but for now, I know I have to but hopefully soon I wont have to.

♦ 14th September 2005

I'm sleeping better, I'm getting up fine, I'm doing something instead of doing nothing in the house all day. This job has made me feel so much better and I do not want to LOSE IT NOW. I THOUGHT IT WOULD STOP ME BEING ABLE TO SPEND TIME WITH ANDY BUT IT HASN'T. I SAW HIM MONDAY AND TUESDAY AFTER WORK AND WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY.

♦ 30th October 2005

Well, me & Andy have broken up. Well Andy finished with me last night. We were just talking and I asked him if he was O.K. & he said no. I asked him what was wrong & from nowhere he just said that he doesn't think it will work out. I didn't cry but I've just spoken to him not long ago & he told me he was sorry. He still loves me but he's not IN love with me. I finished talking to him and burst into tears. I feel so empty and alone. I know I said I was thinking it too but now I know he's not there for me anymore I've realised just how much I do love him. I just wish I knew how he's feeling right now.

I've had everyone telling me how he doesnt deserve me & how bad he treats me but i still love him no matter what.

I just can't throw away 7 months of feelings in one night. It's going to take time & I mean a lot of time for me to get over Andy. But I know that part of me is still hoping that he'll realise that he's made a mistake & he wants me. I know it sounds pathetic but I feel so empty right now. I feel like half of me is lost. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I cant concentrate. I can't think. I just want it all to end. I don't want to feel like this, I just don't. I feel so worthless and lost I just don't want to breathe. I don't want to have to go through this pain.

♦ my 'quote of the day' appanrently lol, undated.

''Oh my god, you are like such a scab on a saturday night party''

♦ 6th November 2005

Ok, well firstly me and Andy are back together. I went to meet him for a drink today and he started crying...

message from Andy:

''U's my boi too. I nearly lost you cos I'm a doodus twat and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that don't happen again. Love You Silly xxxx''

- and that sums up my second diary! Hope you're all not bored outta your minds cos if you are then luckilly my third one's a lot more creative!

♥ mY THIRD MOST STRANGE & WONDERFUL DIARy ♥

♦ 3rd January 2006: Some lyrics I wrote...

The world seems dark today
and I know you can never feel the same
and i know that I'll need you more than you'll ever need me.
Sometimes I get so lost
that I could never explain to you
i scream for your love
i scream for you
scream more but it's never enough, it is NEVER ENOUGH

It's me, it is all me, it is all in my head i know
sometimes i question
when the many men with faces i do not know approach
but I can never leave you.
I can never let you go, even when you are not here
You can never understand how I feel as i cannot myself
Yet, all i do understand is that it is NEVER ENOUGH

♦ Quote i wrote from the novel 'Girl Interrupted'

''There's a sign outside that says, 'if you lived here you'd be home now.' and i will be home...motherf**kers.''

♦ 6th January 2006

Stripey poloshirts are still in fashion and I don't understand why. I just wanna burn them all!

♦ A poem i wrote in work...bored (undated)

I sometimes get so lost and dark that i cannot find my way and everytime i try to smile it simply fades away.

I dont know why i feel this way, it's simply how i feel. I sometimes walk around in a daze where nothing ever seems r feels real.

I get so scared of being alone it eats me up inside. I want you with me everyday to never leave my side.

I know I'll crave you baby more than you will ever crave me. And I can never tell you how strongly I feel incase that you will leave.

I'm particularly down today and it's simply cos i miss you. and i never know when I'll see you again to hold you tight and kiss you.

I love you boi, more than words can say, you know that is a fact, but when the words are turned to me I wonder if it's an act.

It's not to do with you but my own insecurities. It's something I' ve got to sort myself so baby please don't leave. I love you.

♦ Wednesday 1st Feb

''the stillness of the memory of what you had...

and what you lost...''

- well that's what I'm willing to give from my third one so on the fourth and final!

♥ mY MOST RECENT DIARy ♥

♦ A List I Made Of Things I'd like which is dated 30th June 2006:

1) Andy to talk to me more
2) To be happier
3) To be stronger
4) To not be myself
5) To die (sometimes)
6) To not be so ugly
7) To be famous
8) To meet Stevie Nicks
9) To meet Courtney Love

♦ 11 a.m 3rd July 2006

Well, my birthday has come & gone but I've had an awesome time. I went out the night before with Nat from work to the monkey bar and we danced for an hour and a half straight. Things here are going good, we're both enjoying. We had a chat about stuff the other night so we're Ok now. He bought me an acoustic guitar!

♦ One of my quotes (undated)

x I'm driven I am. I'm driven for some reason but I don't know where I'm going x

♦ Courtney Love quote (undated)

'' I don't mean to be a diva but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand! ''

♦ another of my quotes (undated)

Let's corrupt this bitch! (me, on my diary)

♦ 27th July 2006

I don't like this diary. I don't like what I've written in here either. I don't know if it's because the diary's shit & giving me no inspiration or wether I've just not needed to say much...but i HAVE needed to say things. I think it's just the diary putting me off. I'm going to have to look for a new one that's going to INSPIRE & ENTICE me to write in it.

♦ December 29th 2006

She's chained in her room
with no means of escape or freedom
the walls are closing in tight around her
and she's confused and lonely
with nobody to turn to
nobody to help her
help her break the chains

♦ undated paragraph

You know what? Guess! No, you know what? I'm tired of being depressed! It's pathetic...I'm young. I'm 20 years old. I got my whole life ahead of me. I'm talented (in my own ways), I'm smart, I'm kinda ugly but hey! who's not nowadays.

♦ A list of goals (undated)

1) Meet Courtney Love
2) Learn keyboard 100%
3) Star in a horror movie
4) Go to the Maldives
5) Laugh at goals in 10 years time (oh &)
6) Meet Stevie Nicks

♦ January 1st 2007 (latest entry and last)

Well, it's the start of yet another year. Nothing seems that different. It's weird, it's like I'm stood still & the years are passing me by & I can't control the time...

-and that's it...for your eyes only!

♥ iM CONFUSEd ♥

well, what you've read isn't really suppose to make sense, I guess it's just a little glimpse for you guys into my life or maybe I'm craving some attention on some sort of level. Who knows? But what I really wanted to do was just share some of my personal feelings with you guys as you've all been so kind here and I've really enjoyed my time on this site so far.

This review wouldn't have come to light if it wasnt for INXS-Girl so to you, I owe a big thankyou! If you guys have read all of this then I salute you! Thanks for reading guys n gals and have a great 2007 ♥