Everything that starts with L ...

...and had my eyes shut. Everything had been noisy with the sound of the chamber filling and emptying and the nurse and hubby talking. It was dark as my eyes were shut. But then it all went peaceful, really quiet. And the light was SO bright. My eyes were still closed but it was BRIGHT beyond belief. I actually said "I think I'm going to die". I remember the nurse say, "Stay with us, listen to me talking to you". But then she stopped ...
...laughed and started chatting again. Everything went black and the noise was back again. I swear this was the point that Lucas died and left me.

The first nurse couldn't stay away and retrned to the room at 7.10pm.

At 7.16pm, Lucas was taken out of me, already gone with no life in his eyes or his body. He was perfect. A tiny but perfect little baby. Five fingers, five toes, but no sound. No life. Just a shell. A gorgeous ... more

Many of you will have read my review on Stillbirth. This is a follow up of sorts, although things aren't any further. Bear with me while I unload some more thoughts.

A quick recap- On Tuesday 26th April, 2005, I was given the news that my unborn baby was not going to survive any more than a few seconds after birth due to major defects mostly related to the absence of any kidneys. Medically, there was nothing that could be done to change or help things along.

On the day I was told the baby would die, I met this lovely nurse. She was there again on the Thursday when I went to discuss things again, and this time I said I was glad she was there as I liked her immediately. This made her cry, which made me like her even more. She was such a huge help, and then she volunteered to do over-time so she could be with me when the baby was born.

Can you imagine going into work knowing you were going to deliver a dead baby? Fair to say its her job, but it wasn't. It was her day off and she VOLUNTEERED herself. My consultant called to see which shift she wanted to do, and she actually said she'd just come in at the time I was going in at, and leave once I'd delivered. She is a VERY special lady.

On Saturday 30th April, labour was induced and I was immediately affected by the drugs. I began to dialate straight away, my temperature rocketed and I started to shiver uncontrollably. I was like this for several hours, and then the vomitting began. The pain was SO intense, I couldn't move and things seemed totally unreal.

Before I even went to hospital, I made my husband promise that he wouldn't let me take any pain relief. But things were going from bad to worse, I was in a lot of pain and all the other side effects had me wiped out. In the end they convinced me that gas and air would not affect me and I would be fine as soon as I stopped taking it. So at 6pm I gave in and started on the gas and air.

Now, this is weird and I am not sure if people will believe me. Anyway, at 6pm, the nurse that had come in said she had to leave. Another lovely nurse had come into the room an hour before so that was fine. Around 20 mins later, I was taking the gas and air and had my eyes shut. Everything had been noisy with the sound of the chamber filling and emptying and the nurse and hubby talking. It was dark as my eyes were shut. But then it all went peaceful, really quiet. And the light was SO bright. My eyes were still closed but it was BRIGHT beyond belief. I actually said "I think I'm going to die". I remember the nurse say, "Stay with us, listen to me talking to you". But then she stopped talking. I said, "Keep talking, unless I am dead" and she laughed and started chatting again. Everything went black and the noise was back again. I swear this was the point that Lucas died and left me.

The first nurse couldn't stay away and retrned to the room at 7.10pm.

At 7.16pm, Lucas was taken out of me, already gone with no life in his eyes or his body. He was perfect. A tiny but perfect little baby. Five fingers, five toes, but no sound. No life. Just a shell. A gorgeous shell.

We held him and our families came. Everyone cried. I didn't. It didn't seem real. We took photos, kissed him, passed him round. Talked about him and decided on a name. We laid him in a moses basket, the nurse washed him. And still it wasn't real.

The second nurse came and I helped her take prints of Lucas's hands and feet. We wrapped him in the shawl that Kayla and Adam came home in, popped a hat on him and took more photos. We were given a cot card and he was weighed. A huge 1lb 5 oz. The nurse said he would have had a 75% chance of survival had he been perfect internally.

At 10pm hubby went for a bit of air. Another nurse came and took 9 tubes of blood from my arm, although there was no blood to fill the last ube. She asked about the baby but never looked at him. Still I had no tears. I didn't believe he had gone.

At 11.15pm, the chaplian came and blessed my baby. He discussed the funeral arrangements etc. I was enraged at the suggestion my boy be cremated. Until that day I had always wanted to be cremated and scattered across Fyrish. But not my boy, And not me either.

Hubby and I curled up on my bed and held our baby until 1.19am. Then we decided it was time. Time to let him go. But e couldn't, not until 2.30am. We just held him and hubby cried. It was only once my baby left the room that the tears started.

We stayeed overnight, and then had Lucas returned to us the next day. He looked even more perfect but totally different. And he was cold. He was gone. So we only held him for 20 minutes, then it was time to go home.

I didn't see anyone, I refused all calls. Hubby made all the arrangements for the funeral while I laid in bed and cried. The only time I went out was to buy us all clothes to wear at the funeral. And even then I refused to look at people. I shut off completely. I only bothered with hubby and the kids.

Lucas was buried on Friday 6th May. It was cold but dry. There was only immediate family and the first nurse from the hospital there. It was the last time I saw my boy. Before the service, hubby and I saw him and we gave him our rings. I gave him my 'Mum' ring that I wore all the time, and Hubby gave him a family heirloom. Our parents put a teddy and a letter into his coffin. I have a copy of the letter but have never read it. I don't know if I ever will.

Its 12 weeks tomorrow (Sat 23rd July) since Lucas. His headstone went up last Friday. Its a tiny little train shaped stone. Small and perfect, like he was.

I still have many. many days when I feel totally down and hopeless. A huge part of my family is missing and I can never have that back. Nothing I say or do can change that. I think about Lucas all the time. I love him with all my heart. I go to his grave everyday and chat to him. I tell him everything thats happening, and tell him how much I love him. I buy little things to give him-baby things that he'd like. I keep the flowers bright and insist on no pink. Its all I can do.

The tests from the hospital gave no reason as to why this happened. It was just one of those horrible things that happens to people. I have been given the all clear to have more children. But I have now had two miscarriages, a stillbirth and only 2 healthy kids. I have less than half the number of kids I should have with me.

My way of dealing with this has been to busy myself doing things for the hospital. I knitted little tiny hats that would fit very premature babies, tiny little blankets to wrap the babies who don't survive in, and I made little covers for in the MOses basket as the hospital had only one. The nurse (second one I met) cried when she got all the items. She has dealt with the stillbirth and neonatal death unit for 20 years and had never had any blankets to fit babies in, or hats to fit them. Lucas was wrapped in a face cloth.

I have continued fund-raising too. Without any effort at all I have made £300. I hope to find some good raffle prizes soon to make some real money. No-one thinks of this unit, and what they do is amazing. They gave me material things I have to remember Lucas by-hand prints, foot prints, photos, cot cards, a little card and even a teddy. The teddy was for Lucas but we took it from him the last time we saw him. It was something he cuddled that we could keep.

Its been hard writing this, and it doesn't really say much. Its just nice to put my thoughts down. I wrote this poem for Lucas. Its in his little white coffin with him:-

My heart breaks in two
AS I look down at you
You Look just so perfect and small
With your tiny wee head
And your nose small and red,
You look just so perfect and small.
Your tiny wee hands,
YOur hair's frizzy strands,
You look just so perfect and small.
Your tiny wee feet
And your face is so sweet
YOu look just so perfect and small.
But there's no little cry's
There's no life in your eyes
You look just so perfect and small
My heart turns to lead,
My baby is dead
You're forever just perfect and small.

I will never forget Lucas. I will never stop loving him. He is my Angel.

Keep the Gates open for me, baby. Mummy will be there to look after you one day.  

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