... Everything had been noisy with the sound of the chamber filling and emptying and the nurse and hubby talking. It was dark as my eyes were shut. But then it all went peaceful, really quiet. And the light was SO bright. My eyes were still closed but it was BRIGHT beyond belief. I actually ... Read review
Advantages: A follow up to Stillbirth review Disadvantages: My angel is still gone
...and had my eyes shut. Everything had been noisy with the sound of the chamber filling and emptying and the nurse and hubby talking. It was dark as my eyes were shut. But then it all went peaceful, really quiet. And the light was SO bright. My eyes were still closed but it was BRIGHT beyond belief. I actually said "I think I'm going to die". I remember the nurse say, "Stay with us, listen to me talking to you". But then she stopped ... ...laughed and started chatting again. Everything went black and the noise was back again. I swear this was the point that Lucas died and left me.
The first nurse couldn't stay away and retrned to the room at 7.10pm.
At 7.16pm, Lucas was taken out of me, already gone with no life in his eyes or his body. He was perfect. A tiny but perfect little baby. Five fingers, five toes, but no sound. No life. Just a shell. A gorgeous ... more
Many of you will have read my review on Stillbirth. This is a follow up of sorts, although things aren't any further. Bear with me while I unload some more thoughts.
A quick recap- On Tuesday 26th April, 2005, I was given the news that my unborn baby was not going to survive any more than a few seconds after birth due to major defects mostly related to the absence of any kidneys. Medically, there was nothing that could be done to change or help things along.
On the day I was told the baby would die, I met this lovely nurse. She was there again on the Thursday when I went to discuss things again, and this time I said I was glad she was there as I liked her immediately. This made her cry, which made me like her even more. She was such a huge help, and then she volunteered to do over-time so she could be with me when the baby was born.
Can you imagine going into work knowing you were going to deliver a dead baby? Fair to say its her job, but it wasn't. It was her day off and she VOLUNTEERED herself. My consultant called to see which shift she wanted to do, and she actually said she'd just come in at the time I was going in at, and leave once I'd delivered. She is a VERY special lady.
On Saturday 30th April, labour was induced and I was immediately affected by the drugs. I began to dialate straight away, my temperature rocketed and I started to shiver uncontrollably. I was like this for several hours, and then the vomitting began. The pain was SO intense, I couldn't move and things seemed totally unreal.
Before I even went to hospital, I made my husband promise that he wouldn't let me take any pain relief. But things were going from bad to worse, I was in a lot of pain and all the other side effects had me wiped out. In the end they convinced me that gas and air would not affect me and I would be fine as soon as I stopped taking it. So at 6pm I gave in and started on the gas and air.
Now, this is weird and I am not sure if people will believe me. Anyway, at 6pm, the nurse that had come in said she had to leave. Another lovely nurse had come into the room an hour before so that was fine. Around 20 mins later, I was taking the gas and air and had my eyes shut. Everything had been noisy with the sound of the chamber filling and emptying and the nurse and hubby talking. It was dark as my eyes were shut. But then it all went peaceful, really quiet. And the light was SO bright. My eyes were still closed but it was BRIGHT beyond belief. I actually said "I think I'm going to die". I remember the nurse say, "Stay with us, listen to me talking to you". But then she stopped talking. I said, "Keep talking, unless I am dead" and she laughed and started chatting again. Everything went black and the noise was back again. I swear this was the point that Lucas died and left me.
The first nurse couldn't stay away and retrned to the room at 7.10pm.
At 7.16pm, Lucas was taken out of me, already gone with no life in his eyes or his body. He was perfect. A tiny but perfect little baby. Five fingers, five toes, but no sound. No life. Just a shell. A gorgeous shell.
We held him and our families came. Everyone cried. I didn't. It didn't seem real. We took photos, kissed him, passed him round. Talked about him and decided on a name. We laid him in a moses basket, the nurse washed him. And still it wasn't real.
The second nurse came and I helped her take prints of Lucas's hands and feet. We wrapped him in the shawl that Kayla and Adam came home in, popped a hat on him and took more photos. We were given a cot card and he was weighed. A huge 1lb 5 oz. The nurse said he would have had a 75% chance of survival had he been perfect internally.
At 10pm hubby went for a bit of air. Another nurse came and took 9 tubes of blood from my arm, although there was no blood to fill the last ube. She asked about the baby but never looked at him. Still I had no tears. I didn't believe he had gone.
At 11.15pm, the chaplian came and blessed my baby. He discussed the funeral arrangements etc. I was enraged at the suggestion my boy be cremated. Until that day I had always wanted to be cremated and scattered across Fyrish. But not my boy, And not me either.
Hubby and I curled up on my bed and held our baby until 1.19am. Then we decided it was time. Time to let him go. But e couldn't, not until 2.30am. We just held him and hubby cried. It was only once my baby left the room that the tears started.
We stayeed overnight, and then had Lucas returned to us the next day. He looked even more perfect but totally different. And he was cold. He was gone. So we only held him for 20 minutes, then it was time to go home.
I didn't see anyone, I refused all calls. Hubby made all the arrangements for the funeral while I laid in bed and cried. The only time I went out was to buy us all clothes to wear at the funeral. And even then I refused to look at people. I shut off completely. I only bothered with hubby and the kids.
Lucas was buried on Friday 6th May. It was cold but dry. There was only immediate family and the first nurse from the hospital there. It was the last time I saw my boy. Before the service, hubby and I saw him and we gave him our rings. I gave him my 'Mum' ring that I wore all the time, and Hubby gave him a family heirloom. Our parents put a teddy and a letter into his coffin. I have a copy of the letter but have never read it. I don't know if I ever will.
Its 12 weeks tomorrow (Sat 23rd July) since Lucas. His headstone went up last Friday. Its a tiny little train shaped stone. Small and perfect, like he was.
I still have many. many days when I feel totally down and hopeless. A huge part of my family is missing and I can never have that back. Nothing I say or do can change that. I think about Lucas all the time. I love him with all my heart. I go to his grave everyday and chat to him. I tell him everything thats happening, and tell him how much I love him. I buy little things to give him-baby things that he'd like. I keep the flowers bright and insist on no pink. Its all I can do.
The tests from the hospital gave no reason as to why this happened. It was just one of those horrible things that happens to people. I have been given the all clear to have more children. But I have now had two miscarriages, a stillbirth and only 2 healthy kids. I have less than half the number of kids I should have with me.
My way of dealing with this has been to busy myself doing things for the hospital. I knitted little tiny hats that would fit very premature babies, tiny little blankets to wrap the babies who don't survive in, and I made little covers for in the MOses basket as the hospital had only one. The nurse (second one I met) cried when she got all the items. She has dealt with the stillbirth and neonatal death unit for 20 years and had never had any blankets to fit babies in, or hats to fit them. Lucas was wrapped in a face cloth.
I have continued fund-raising too. Without any effort at all I have made £300. I hope to find some good raffle prizes soon to make some real money. No-one thinks of this unit, and what they do is amazing. They gave me material things I have to remember Lucas by-hand prints, foot prints, photos, cot cards, a little card and even a teddy. The teddy was for Lucas but we took it from him the last time we saw him. It was something he cuddled that we could keep.
Its been hard writing this, and it doesn't really say much. Its just nice to put my thoughts down. I wrote this poem for Lucas. Its in his little white coffin with him:-
My heart breaks in two AS I look down at you You Look just so perfect and small With your tiny wee head And your nose small and red, You look just so perfect and small. Your tiny wee hands, YOur hair's frizzy strands, You look just so perfect and small. Your tiny wee feet And your face is so sweet YOu look just so perfect and small. But there's no little cry's There's no life in your eyes You look just so perfect and small My heart turns to lead, My baby is dead You're forever just perfect and small.
I will never forget Lucas. I will never stop loving him. He is my Angel.
Keep the Gates open for me, baby. Mummy will be there to look after you one day.
...and talk to her about everything and you know you would get sound advice back.
Her smile could light up the night sky. Lets not forget her 3 darling kids who really have been most affected by this. Though they are all getting better now and doing really well. I know that she was not always the easiest of people to get along with at times but I know one thing she's left a hole in a lot of peoples heart and a massive one in mine. I will always love ... ...least know shes free from everything nothing else can hurt her no more. Hard to belive this was nearly a year ago now. Lou Darling I still love you so much and miss you more then I ever thought I would. Nothing Could fill that place in my heart that you left nealry a year ago. Lets just hope your having a great time where ever you are. Love Ya Babes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ...
Bens__mummy 25.02.2007 (04.11.2008)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Everything that starts with L ...
Advantages: laughter, fun and love Disadvantages: A lot of years lost
I have decided to write another review while I get the chance, WHY I hear you say, well let me tell you, lately there is always a fight to get on the computer, seeing as my lovely wife has took back up writing on here and my dearest daughter has caught the bug called ciao as well, so after a long hard pulling and shoving, I have managed to get them both off here and I am going to try and stay as long as possible, but I don't really stand a chance ... ...fingers so I can't get back on for a while.
I have thought about what I wanted to write and it will be a hard review for me to write as I will be opening up thoughts that I have kept in my head for a long time, they keep rearing up in many forms and mostly they are questions, questions, and they are questions that I can't answer, and even worse, if I was asked these questions, I wouldn't know how to answer them and that is what is so bad about them, ...
Theshadowreturns 20.08.2006 (02.09.2006)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Everything that starts with L ...
Advantages: Gives you the opportunity to state your wishes Disadvantages: You need to keep it up to date
You have probably heard of 'Living wills' and you have probably discounted them - I certainly had, until my mother died last year, if you have time please then read this review. You just might have a very different view by the time you get to the end.
My mother was diagnosed with renal illness about five years ago - she had undergone tests as she wasn't feeling well but was surprised to discover that her kidneys weren't functioning well. However ... ...and she suffered frequent TIAs (mini strokes) so she had been on a wide range of medication for some years.
The doctors told her there was little they could do for her kidneys other than monitor them and as the years progressed the only real treatment she was ever offered was iron transfusions about a year before she died. She knew she was too old for a kidney transplant and they told her she couldn't have dialysis as she was already over 80. She ...
laramax 10.12.2006
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Everything that starts with L ...
Look under the skin
Partake of a little walk with me
through the fields of reality,
and perhaps together we can see
the errors in humanity.
do you see the man with coloured skin
or do you see the man that dwells within,
could you hold his hand and be his guide
be the strength that's by his side.
or would you prefer to just ignore
the coloured stranger from next door.
the look you give me tells it all,
is it now I see your mind is small
... ...has an inbred tan.
for you my friend the world shall be
never as large as the one I see
for the colour boundary you set in stone
shall one day leave you all alone.
I know your doubts I have them too
but we can't judge all from the wicked few,
If we are to make this a better land
we have to move forward hand in hand.
there will be times through which we tread
where doubt will roam inside your head,
I'm not a saint I feel this too
I have ...
donf18 30.07.2005
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Everything that starts with L ...
Advantages: None that I can think of really. Disadvantages: Loads, many and varied.
Update: 06/07/06.
I don't work with adults who have learning disabilities any more, I work with children, but this review could describe them as well although things are improving and by the time the children I work with are grown then a lot of the disability adult care should be a lot better.
This review gets updated every so often because it is one that I feel a lot about.
I have had this review in mind ever since I joined Ciao! it has taken ... ...and make you all laugh becaue the people I support through work and play laugh a lot and there are a lot of funny things that happen. BUT... I wrote the draft by hand and have read it through and can't see anything much to laugh at here so although I can't offer laughs and humour I can maybe offer an insight into the lives of people who through no fault of their own have to live with a learning difficulty.
The definition of a learning difficulty ...
solamarie 21.09.2004 (06.07.2006)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of Everything that starts with L ...
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Advantages: Know a little more about me. Disadvantages: Telling the world your most private thoughts. Or not.
sense of course! I am arranging lessons now though, so the first time I fail will probably be next year.
30. Who is the last person you read an opinion by before this?
Daddycash on his opinion of Everythingthatstarts with L???
31. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
No, I?m good little angel! ;0)
32. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card?
The Bookworm, or Waterstones cos I love reading. No actually, W H Smith, because they?ve got DVD?s and CD?s as well as books.
33. What do you do most often when you?re bored?
Either watch a DVD or read.
34. Most annoying thing people ask me?
How?s Gordon the Gopher? Because of Going Live, and the presenter Sarah Greene. After the fiftieth time, its not funny!!!
35. Bedtime?
Usually around 11 or 12. I like my sleep. (wink wink, nudge nudge)
36 ...
Greeney 12.05.2003
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of All About Me
Advantages: Memories Disadvantages: Old ops sometimes make me cringe!!
!!
? How would you describe your writing style for ops?
I just give my opinion ? it usually has a personal slant and if l can l like to think l can inject a wee bit of humour!! If lm on my soap box l could rant and rant!! I don?t tend to get overly technical.
? Which is your favourite of all your ops?
Im not sure ? l know l wrote one about organ donation which stemmed from my dad having a kidney transplant and lm quite proud of that ? its floating about somewhere in the Ciao Café Everythingstarts with an O l think!!
? Comments written to date:
Hang on lm just off to check ???. 832 not enough really but then my time off from Ciao explains thatl suppose!
? Do you write a comment with every rating?
No not often ? only if l can relate to the opinion or l want to give some advice if the opinion perhaps l felt was lacking ...
purdy 24.01.2004
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful Review of My Ciao'ing
Advantages: It passes the time Disadvantages: You might get bored too.
I recently read jo1l's op verdict on Everythingthatstarts with C ... and yes I am bored too so I thought why not give it a go too. Yup it is another challenge op, so I apologise in advance for all of you who dislike these sorts of ops. Maybe when I get into the big wide world again I will write something more interesting. Here goes?..
~~ Why did you choose your particular Ciao member name? If it's just your real name, are you always so boring? ~~
It is a bit of a long story but at College there were lots of Helen's so I got called Helly. I can't even remember who started it. Helly then became HellyWelly. I have even been called the old boot at times. Isn't it silly how these names start out? I don't see anyone anymore from college but my sister still calls me Helly now, and I call her Kaz (short for Karen). My mum said ...
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