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I have decided to write another review while I get the chance, WHY I hear you say, well let me tell you, lately there is always a fight to get on the computer, seeing as my lovely wife has took back up writing on here and my dearest daughter has caught the bug called ciao as well, so after a long hard pulling and shoving, I have managed to get them both off here and I am going to try and stay as long as possible, but I don't really stand a chance with two females sitting ready to pounce and break my fingers so I can't get back on for a while.
I have thought about what I wanted to write and it will be a hard review for me to write as I will be opening up thoughts that I have kept in my head for a long time, they keep rearing up in many forms and mostly they are questions, questions, and they are questions that I can't answer, and even worse, if I was asked these questions, I wouldn't know how to answer them and that is what is so bad about them, as you read the review you will probably be thinking, yes I can see the questions now and why can't he answer them, or you might understand why I can't answer them.
I will start from he beginning and let you know what happened and what followed, hopefully you won't get to bored as I tend to waffle a little, well maybe a lot, but by time you get to the end you will have visited my little world and had a glimpse at the shadows in my thoughts.
The year would be 1988 and I was going out with a lassie that lived roughly four miles from me, I used to walk everynight to go and see her after I had finished work, at first when I went to see her it was in secret as her father didn't know, her mother knew all about us and she was quite happy about it, I was the olderman, I was 6 years older and back then it was still a bit of a shock to some people to see an age difference, we didn't mind the age gap and at first we loved seeing each other as much as we could.
When her father eventually found out, he promised me if I ever hurt her he would kick my arse from one end of the town to the other, I told him that I had no intention to do this and he accepted my word and gave his blessing for us to see each other. I got on really well with her father and it helped that he knew mine really well, so we didn't have to hide anymore and we could see each other when ever we wanted too, the only downside was, her father was of the old school and we had to sit with them every night and ask permission to go to the shops, every now and then he would let her come over to my house as long as she was back by a certain time, or they went to bingo and we cherished the moments that we had by ourselves.
Now back then she was a lovely looking lass and I was amazed that she wanted me, I was lucky and I knew it, there was only one thing that spoiled it and that was my inner demons, the old green dragon that creeps silently, and I found myself getting too possesive and jealous if she wanted to be with someone else, I have always had this problem and back then I didn't know how to fight it off, I wanted to be with her and I can only say at the time I loved her too much and that was my enemy that I couldn't fight, I was to blinkered to see what I was like.
I managed to control my feelings a little and we were getting along fine, we went out when we were aloud, we listened to music and we kissed and cuddled when no one was around, it was bliss and we both felt the same for each other, the months passed and in 1989 when we were at my house, she told me that she thought she was pregnant, I looked at her and told her that I would be there for her if she was and we both sat in shock as we hadn't planned it, wen we got over the shock we talked into the night and decided what we would do.
A week later after a long wait, we found out that she was pregnant and the next step would be to
Pictures of Everything that starts with L ...
yep the good looks come from his dad lol
tell our parents, I was sh****ng a brick let me tell you, not that she was pregnant but having to tell the parents, we were sitting in my room and I jumped up and stuck my head through the kitchen door and said Hi to my mam and dad and asked if they wanted a cup of tea, and as I started to close the door, I said, " By the way ****** is pregnant", and shut the door, I waited for a while and we both went into the livingroom with the cups of tea as a peace offering and we sat down and talked, the next step wouldn't be easy, we had to tell her parents and we agreed to do it the next night.
The next night arrived and we sat with her parents and I calmly told them what had happened, I was answered with, "Well your not getting married I will tell you that", I was taken aback by the response, I was wanting to do the right thing and get married but here was her father telling me that I couldn't, yes I had done wrong but I was showing that I would be there for her no matter what, we sat in silence for a while and it was time for me to leave, even tho' I didn't want to.
I was working at the time and when we found out that there was a baby on the way, I started working as many hours as I could, this affected me seeing her and it cut me up but I wanted to make sure that she wanted for nothing, I recieved a phone call from her telling me that her father was demanding to see me, I probably took it the wrong way, but I said that I had just finished a long day at work and I was to tired to walk over, she knew that I wanted to see her but the phonecall ended with, "If you don't see him we are finished", I was gobsmaked, I didn't know what to do, I thought that she didn't mean it and I went over the next night, her mother answered the door and told me to go away.
I tried for weeks to see her but to no avail, I wasn't going to give up but I had to focus on my job as well to make sure that money was there when she needed it, June 23rd arrived that year and I was out at my local social club and I was told that she had, had a baby boy, I was in total shock how could no one have let me know sooner, I went home and told my parents the news and that the next day I would go and see her, I jumped on the bus and when I arrived at the hospital, I asked where she was and was told what ward she was on, I had in my hand a dozen red roses and a load of butterflies in my stomach, in the next few seconds I would see my son, when I arrived at the ward I was met with a "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE", I didn't know what to say, I gave her the flowers and asked if I could hold our son, she told me I could and then I would have to leave. I sat for an hour and then she asked me to leave and never go back, I left the hospital with feelings that I still cannot describe, one minute I was holding my son and the next I wouldn't be able to hold him again.
I tried for months to see if I could go and see him and everytime the answer was no, eventually the agreed that I could go through ad I went with my father, he was made up at seeing his grandson, her mother looked at me and told me that I had to ask her permission to hold my son anytime that I was there and I have to admit I felt angry inside at this remark, she wasn't the mother but I had to respect her in her own house.
I went every weekend to see him and I loved every minute that I was allowed to hold him, I felt uncomfortable being watched all the time, you would think I was going to run off with him, his first Christmas came and on Christmas day my sister took me over with presents from myself and the rest of the family, it was poring down with rain and when we got there, the door opened and hands came out and took the presents and the door shut on us, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I thought to myself, I never got to see him and it would be a few years before I would again, my mother so far had never seen him.
I decided that it would be better for my son, if I stayed away and not bother his mother anymore, this was one of the hardest decisions that I had ever made, I didn't want him seeing me having to ask permission to be with him, and anyway his mother would love him for both of us, I thought I was doing right but I don't know.
Again the years went by, I lost uncles and auntie that he would never know, and eventually we lost my dad, he had only seen my son once and it hurt him inside and it was killing me also, not long after my dad died we lost my grandad and then my uncle, three lovely people that he will never have known, I eventually moved into the same town as him and seen him out playing and it was hard, he never knew who I was and I had promised his mother that I would never say anything, she had brought him up and she would tell him when she was ready, I arrived home one day and Karen my wife shouted that he was walking up to the door and he had come to play withStevie my daughter and my two sons, I ran up the stairs and hid, I didn;t know what to do.
We were having my youngest son christened and we invited him to come, my mother was there and she loved seeing him, she had tears in her eyes as she knew she couldn't say anything or hold and cuddle him, he would have been 12 at the time, I hated myself inside for what I was doing to her but she looked at me and her eyes were telling me, "I know son, it's ok".
Three years passed and he was up all the time seeing his half sister and brothers and you would think that they knew, I was happy to see them like that and even happier that I was getting to know him, even tho' he was calling me Andy and not dad, I was happy, I gave him a lift home one day and he turned to me and said that he had an idea why his mother hated me, I looked at him and asked why, he looked at me and said I think you are my dad, I froze on the spot and didn't know what to say, when I came to my senses I told him to come after his tea and see me.
He came up and we talked and all the while going through my head I was thinking of the promise I had made, but I also remembered that I told her that I wouldn't lie if he ever asked me, here he was asking me and I told him the truth, I told him that he would have to hear both sides of the story and he would have to make up his own mind, I wasn't going to slag his mother off as she had done a wonderfull job of bringing him up.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer and we lost her in 2002 a week before Christmas, she had only seen him once, another part of my family that he would never know.
I think about him everyday and now I have moved back to where I used to live and I haven't seen him for two years, he is now 17 and a fine looking lad, this week Stevie came across his website on something called bebo, and they got in touch with each other, he is comming over next week and I am excited and scared, he has said that he has missed us all and even me, and that makes me feel terrified inside.
He has done really well, he is at an art college doing drama and next year he is off to university, I am reall proud of him, even tho' I haven't been there for him I will make sure that he knows when I get the chance to see him, and I hope that he knows in his heart that I love him.
I don't know if this has made any sense to you at all, my thoughts tend to get a bit muddled.
Wether I was right or not I will never know, he is always in my thoughts but thoughts haven't been there for him, I hope that I get the chance to find some lost time, I know that the future will hopefully give me a chance, I will have to wait and see.
Well my waiting is now over, it was a bit quicker than I thought, my son came to see me on Thursday night and when I found out he was comming then, I was like a gibbering wreck wondering what it would be like, it dosen't make sense to me why I was feeling that way but I was.
I will set the scene for you on how it all went.
I was at work for most of the day and watching the clock all of the time, trying to make it go faster until it was time to go to the train station, but the time dragged and the more it did the more anxious I was getting, there was so many questions going around in my head, was he going to say he did'nt want to see me again, had is mother found out, there was so many questions and thoughts my head was just a gibbering mess.
I arrived home to an empty house, my wife and daughter were at the hairdressers, my other sons were at there grannys, it was just so quiet I didn't know what to do, eventually my sons came home and the peace was shattered, but it wasn't long before they started to ask if they could go to the disco, well it was an option I thought, that way I could meet my son off the train myself, so off they went to the disco and I slowly drove to the train station to await the train.
I was sitting in my car listining to some music and I seen the train pull up and the adrenalin kicked in, this was it, the moment I had been waiting for, out of the corner of my eye I saw two lads running to catch the train, another lad looked around the corner and seen them running, he tried to stop the train for them but was too late, I watched him start to walk down the steps in the opposite way, was that him I thought, I whistled and he turned and saw me, next thing I was being ran at by this young man taller than myself, and I was nearly knocked off my feet as he threw his arms around me and hugged me, my questions were answered straight away, there was nothing to worry about.
We both got in the car and as soon as I started to drive off he started talking, there was no stopping him and I was happy that he wanted to tell me so much, I couldn't get a word in edge ways but I didn't mind, I was happy that he was wanting to tell me so much and it was more than I was expecting.
From an early age just watching him grow up, there was feelings that he was different but not in a bad way, and he confirmed what I always knew, he told me that he was gay and I told him that I already knew and that I still loved him no matter what, I was shocked when he told me that his mother wouldn't accept that he was, I told him that it would take time for her to accept it, he couldn't understand why she felt that way and I couldn't help him as I couldn't say what she was thinking and it wouldn't be fair on him if I tried.
I pulled up at the shops and bought him some wine and then we went home, the house was still empty and we managed to talk for a while before my sister came with my niece, they hadn't seen him before and it was a lovely surprise for them all, it was quite funny at one point as my niece said that she had sat with him on the bus for months talking to him and niether of them realised, but now they knew.
When my wife and daugter came in he flew at them nearly knocking them off their feets, the house was full of stories for most of the night and at one point there was tears after my son read my review, it answered a couple of questions that he was needing to know so he was crying but crying that he was now happy, I thought I had done wrong but I hadn't.
The night went into the morning and I had to give in and go to bed as I had only three hours before work, I came back at dinner time to take him to the station and he promised he would be back and I am waiting for that time once again but this time it will be different, this time my son is home and I won't be losing him again.
Oh I forgot to say, in October he has invited us all to go and see a production that he has wrote and starring in, I can't wait.
this always brings a tear to my eye dad. you have a wonderful way with words. lets just hope i have inherited that same way and the publishers like my work when i submit it. i love you with all of my heart
ice_pink 10.09.2006 23:54
Whoops just realised my rating didnt show up, must have been all out of E's that day...anyway its here now xx
scuba_angel 06.09.2006 01:47
So glad that the meeting went well for you all. I hope that it stays that way now that you finally get to see him. Im sure his mother will eventually deal with him seeing you, and hopefully she can accept his sexuality, its a big shock when its not expected (my aunt finally came out last year, shes 56, and always denied it).