Everything that starts with M ...

...critic. She knew just about everything that makes me tick and would on occasion use such knowledge ruthlessly to get my to do things she considered important. Equally, she could convey a message in a far more gentle and subtle way though I do not think subtlety was a particular strength of hers any more that it has become one of mine.

A little further on in this review you will read a potted history of my mothers life in the form ...
...and in the final days everything seemed to go wrong. I had a terrible feeling and I was called to the hospital with my poor father three successive nights as her condition took increasingly serious turns for the worse. The first two times mum was still fighting but the third time she had passed away between us receiving the call and reaching the hospital. I really felt for my father and it took me a week to let out my own grief.

The ... more

As those who check my reviews out from time to time or have my in the COT will know I tragically lost my mother on 8 November. She was 75 which is not particularly old these days and had, until very recently indeed, been very healthy and led an active life. This made her very sudden demise and passing all the more terrible shock for my family. I am touched by many lovely messages people have left me on Ciao and the enquiries of how I am and how the funeral was. Rather than reply to everyone in any detail I thought I would write something here as a tribute to my mother who made me who I am.

My mother also liked purple. Though not materialistic at all when it came to possessions or fashion conscious when it came to clothes the first garment she visibly loved was a trouser suit my wife insisted to have made for her. It was somewhere between lilac and the Ciao shade of purple. Why I mention this is that unless this special one off review prompts a negative response I believe it will be this review that will see my Ciao dot turn purple; as I have always enjoyed writing mum would have been pleased to help in this small milestone.

Sons' are said to often form a very close relation with their mothers. I believe very strongly that this applied in my case. It is true to say that I have on occasion sub consciously found myself considering the virtues of my mother against her peers (the mothers' of some of my friends). She always came out on top which will not surprise anyone. I am sure a overwhelming majority of anyone else who might confess to having ever experienced a similar thought process would hold their mum in a similarly high regard (including those friends' who I subconsciously compared my mother against).

Just because she was the best mum was also my harshest critic. She knew just about everything that makes me tick and would on occasion use such knowledge ruthlessly to get my to do things she considered important. Equally, she could convey a message in a far more gentle and subtle way though I do not think subtlety was a particular strength of hers any more that it has become one of mine.

A little further on in this review you will read a potted history of my mothers life in the form of my mothers Eulogy. I wrote this the day after she left us and then tinkered with it a little. However there are very many things that do not feature in this speech. It is a personal thing but one fact I do think worth sharing is that a fair time ago mum gave me 7 years notice to move out of the family home and buy my own place. I never knew for sure if she was serious but it did work as I did move out and got my foot on the property ladder. I owe my mother a great debt of gratitude for that as several years on I could never have afforded to do buy my own place two or three years after I had moved and as for now…

Mum was in hospital less than a week and in the final days everything seemed to go wrong. I had a terrible feeling and I was called to the hospital with my poor father three successive nights as her condition took increasingly serious turns for the worse. The first two times mum was still fighting but the third time she had passed away between us receiving the call and reaching the hospital. I really felt for my father and it took me a week to let out my own grief.

The funeral was arranged after a gap of 12 days. We had relatives come from Hong Kong, friends from as far away as France and in all around 90 at the service with more than 70 at the wake. Before the funeral I went to say goodbye to mum with my father. I asked her for the strength to read the words below and prayed for the same. At the service it was so emotionally charged I did not think it would be possible to do so but then I experienced an incredible window of courage, strength, determination, you name it. I was glad I was able to say goodbye to mum before the many who knew and admired, respected, trusted or loved her (in my own and my fathers case all four and many more)

Mum's Eulogy

"Mum was born in Brixton in September 1932, the 2nd daughter of John and Alice Childs and third of 5 children, all of whom survive her. Around the time the 2nd world war broke out my mother faced her own battle as she contracted rheumatic fever. She was evacuated to Cambridgeshire and spent 9 months in hospital. Thereafter she was not allowed to take part in any form of physical activity for a decade until, in her late teens, she decided to rebel and developed a love for the outdoors that would stay with her throughout her life.

Prior to this she had returned to London with her family and moved to the St Helier estate. Recalling these times she described herself as a nervous and timid young girl during the time that London was heavily bombed; I imagine nervous and timid are not words many here would associate with my mother. In her later teens mum decided to leave her small and noisy home where she helped her hard working mother care for younger brother Len and sister Sandra who are here today. Thus she embarked on an adventure which would take her across or around 5 of the worlds' continents, visiting more than 25 countries, and experiencing perhaps an even greater number of employment situations.

Mums' thirst for adventure first took her to Hampshire where she first lived in a caravan looking after free range hens and then with a family working on a small holding. She developed a real passion for gardening, especially growing fruit and veg; this remained with her ever since and it was only in September she was climbing our apple tree to give it an annual prune.

Hampshire failed to quench my mothers thirst for adventure so she took a job working as a kitchen hand. Not in any kitchen you understand, but one on a cargo vessel that embarked from mainland Europe on a nine month voyage all around the coast Africa. On one of her few days off she climbed Table Mountain in Cape Town. Later in Mombasa, Kenya, the chef took flight form the vessel leaving mum to cope alone; she was never great at sharing a kitchen. A multitude of other jobs included stints as a bus conductress on the 80 route, a lollipop lady where she occasionally used her pole to chastise errant motorists and most recently an auxiliary nurse.

In around 1960 mum joined the St Johns Ambulance and Civil Defence Unit where she learnt to drive in an ambulance. Once qualified she began dating a young man who she first set eyes upon at a dance hall in Sutton and subsequently confessed to me she quickly resolved to marry. In their early courtship she once surprised him with the offer of a romantic drive in her ambulance. On their way home the vehicle would not start and her bo had to get out and push it in his slippers. Fortunately this did not put the young man concerned off and whilst my mother had to wait 18 months - she was not the most patient of people you know - she eventually received the marriage proposal she longed for. 18 months later she married Duncan Macgregor Fleming and they moved in to their own little love nest with her in laws on Milton Road. In 1967 they decided to mortgage themselves heavily and purchased the house where they were to spend the remainder of their married life.

Her dreams of marrying and having her own home now fulfilled my mother turned her attention to her next dream; what do you think that could have been? Well, the dream materialised on 9 March 1969 in a much smaller form than you see before you today. With my arrival of said dream baby came anxiety on my mothers' part that the strain that her history of Rheumatic fever placed on her heart would be too much for motherhood. She once confided how she regularly said silent prayers that she might live to see me grow up. Well it took a long time but that wish was finally granted too.

Seriously, she was a great and immensely devoted mother and as clichéd as it sounds a true friend. As in all friendships there were disagreements and my mother has never shied away from saying exactly what she thinks, a tendency I have inherited for better or worse. My mother also instilled in me a sense of honesty and integrity, made me believe if you work hard enough for something it can happen and, together with my father, gave me a spirit of adventure. She and my father made many sacrifices to ensure we had an annual family holiday when I was in my childhood when we explored Britain and Europe. She also helped others enjoy holidays by accommodating overseas students. One of these was a young French student, Joe. Some 35 years on he remains a close family friend, calls mum his second mum and is with us today.

As world travel became increasingly easy I am happy that with my father, mum undertook increasingly adventurous trips together culminating in the realisation of a joint dream visit to New Zealand in 2002. On this as with many other expeditions she did the bulk of the driving so dad could focus on his photography. Mum has supported this passion of my father since before they married and both were founder members of the Wallington & Carshalton Scottish Association camera section back in 1961; a group within which my parents fostered and maintained many special friendships.

After I moved out of the family home and established my own place so mum longed I would marry and settle down. By 2003 when she had almost given up; what did I say about patience earlier? However, as most here know I met Van on a trip to Vietnam that year and in 2004 mum gained a much treasured and loved daughter in law. She could not have done more to make Van feel welcome in our strange and cold country. In January 2005 mum and dad travelled to what was a strange if not so cold country, Vietnam, and met the in laws. Van's siblings adore mum and she got on very well with my parents in law from the start though they speak little English; my mother in law has since become a regular UK visitor and is also with us today.

By the time of her visit to Vietnam mum was close to realising one of her final and most precious dreams, becoming a grandmother. Alex Viet-Anh arrived in June 2005 and predictably enough mum doted on him and relished her new role. She spent many hours playing games, reading and teaching Alex about life. As anyone who spends time with us knows he now has a remarkable vocabulary for a child of 28 months and Van and I agree this is very much a legacy of my mother.

Mum was never one for birthday presents but this year she got one she could not help but love as Arran Minh Duc arrived. As with Alex the delight of another grandchild was evident for all to see. The same day I got what was my dream job with a regional remit in West Africa, mum was proud and overjoyed. Later the same month mum celebrated 45 years marriage to my father to whom she has been a wonderful wife and companion in life. Soon after this celebration we took Alex to Hastings where the picture of mum jumping on the trampoline that many of you will have seen was taken.

Tragically the long term damage of the Rhumatic fever was, unknown to us, lurking. From being taken ill in mid October mum's demise was shockingly fast. Mum was however clear in her mind that when her time came she would not wish to be restricted in her enjoyment of life and with all her dreams in life fulfilled that final wish was also granted when she departed us on 8 November. My father and I have been deeply touched by the cards and messages of remembrance. We all have our own recollection of the wife, sister, mother, grandmother and friend we knew and loved. My mother did however particularly love poetry and I would like to ask my friend David to read a poem sent by my brother-in-law Dat from Vietnam."

I have slightly edited this as I did not want to provide certain personal details and dates. I hope you found it interesting to learn something about the character and life of the woman who was my mother and had the greatest influence on my life. As time moves forward I resolve to work hard to make her proud in all avenues of my own life and when it matters do as she would have done, well most of the time!

On the ratings my mother has to get top marks but of course these are geared up for a record. My supplementary comments on each are as follows: -

Value for money - she was priceless
Originality - forever full of what were in her view good ideas, especially about finding partners during my prolonged bachelor years!
Lyrics - my mother had a response to just about anything anyone ever managed to throw at her.
Quality and consistency of tracks - my mothers point of view was always worth hearing as predictable as it often was
Cover/Inlay Design and Content - Mum often joked that she was no oil painting but inside she was a diamond with a heart of gold.

RIP Mum 1932-2007 

...less