Everything that starts with S ...

Fortunately, lot of people will never have to experience the effects of a person close to you committing suicide, and to be very honest they have no idea how lucky they are never to have to deal with a death this way.

Suicide is one of the hardest forms of grief that a person will ever have to deal with, and the destruction it does to the family of the victim.

On 11th of April 1995, I found out exactly how it felt to lose a family member through suicide. I can still remember that day perfectly clear even to this day.
A police office knocked my front door and asked if he could come in, straight away I knew something was wrong, and then he sat me down and told me that my 29-year-old brother was dead.
The shock was like a train hitting me a full speed, the police took me I the car to be down with the rest of my family. It was only then that I found out that my brother had taken his own life.

He had taken my fathers car in the middle of the night, drove down to a secluded car park of a country house, and using a Hoover hose, filled the car with fumes and died.

He left a note saying how unhappy he was and he just wanted to have no more confusion in his head. He told us all in the letter, how much he loved us and that he was sorry!

My brother did have a drink and solvent abuse problem prior to his death, but the help was there for him and he was still so young and could have battled through his problems.
I hear people say all the time it's the cowards way out, but let me tell you. It takes a lot of guts to sit in a car and slowly but painfully let yourself die, could you out yourself through that.

From that day on, my families' lives were totally devastated and destroyed.

My mother had a nervous breakdown, and her nerves will never fully recover and she is unable to cope with any sort of stress.
My father is a very religious man and a lay minister, to this day, it is only his religious faith that keeps him going and keeping him strong enough to support both himself and my mother.

Unless you have lost a child, you can never fully understand the pain and suffering the parent of that child feels no matter how old the child is. The natural human instinct is there to ever parent that they never expect to outlive their child. By saying, this I am referring to no matter how the child has died and not that it is harder because of suicide. The fact is that it is incomprehensible pain to lose a child in a circumstance unless you have actually experienced it.
I myself cannot fully understand how hard it is to have to cope with the death of a child, I can only relate to how hard it is to lose a brother, and try to deal with the fact that he took his own life.

My parents to this day blame themselves, and feel that they failed as parents in some way, because he did not turn to them for help.
Nevertheless, with all my heart I can honestly say and always tell them that this is not so because I love my parents dearly and could not say in any way that I had a bad childhood. They gave up everything for us and did everything they could to give us a great upbringing. I think there is nothing more Comparisons (consider revising), they always did there best and for that, I thank them.

The biggest two question that comes with the loss of a loved one through suicide is "why?",and "what was so bad that he had no other choice, that he felt the only way to make things right was to end his own life?"

I was very close to my brother David, closer than my two other Brothers Raymond and Mark, but Raymond and Mark were very close too. David was five years older than I was, but our personalities, characters, and even looks were very similar. We got on really well and we used to tell each other our problems and confide in each other, we used to tell each other everything, or so I thought. It turns out I was wrong about that, because he never told me what was causing him so much pain, stress and confusion, that it drove him to committing suicide.

I still think of David everyday and I miss him dearly as does all my family, our lives will never be the same without him, it is like a jigsaw puzzle with an important piece missing.
It took along time to come to terms with the death of David and finally after about four and a half years, my mother and fathers health was starting to improve and slowly but surely the family was picking up the pieces.
I will always remember the Millennium new years eve, because that it when the family all got together and at the stroke of midnight toasted to David and to never forgetting him But trying to move on as best we could. My son was only two months old at the time so I was not at my best with postnatal depression, but the idea of things getting a little better and the family getting the bond back sounded great.
The family all kept going keeping up the effort to keep in touch as much as possible and being strong. My father's birthday was just after the New Year on the 13th January and mark and I had been down the house two days before to drop off his cards and presents and Raymond was supposed to be there too, but he phoned and cancelled and told my mother he would be there tomorrow without fail.
True to his word about 2.30 pm Raymond went down my Parents and dropped my dad's card and present off, he stayed about half an hour then said he had to get ready because he was opening his new Tia-Kwon-Do club at 7.30pm that evening.
Just after he left, my mother phoned me because she was worried about him.
I asked her what she meant and she said he was acting strange not his usual self-.I told her it was probably he was nervous about the new club opening.

DISASTER STRIKES AGAIN
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On the 12th of January 2000, my brother Raymond committed suicide, by hanging himself in his garage about 7pm just half hour before his new club was due to open. His children were out with their friends when his daughter came home early to wish him luck on the opening and sadly, his thirteen-year-old daughter was the one who discovered his body.
It was only four hours after being down my parent's house to give my dad his birthday card and present. He asked my dad to open the present but to keep the card until his actual birthday. Raymond had bought my dad a scarf, he said to keep you warm and when you got it on you can think of me.

The shock and horror that ran through us all to find ourselves not 5 years later having to go through all this pain, hurt and destruction again just blew our mind. Unfortunately my um had to be sedated and put into a mental health unit for a few days so she could be monitored as she just kept saying I cannot take the pain anymore I want to be with my sons.
My father was a broken man; he has always been very religious. His faith helped him through last time, but unfortunately, this caused him to lose his faith for a while as he thought, if there is a God why has he taken another of his children.
Why was he doing this to his family? My dad became extremely ill with his nerves too until my mother was able to return home and they just did all they could to try and console each other and comes to terms with it happening to them not once but twice.

David was single and very lonely and longing to have a relationship with a woman who could understand him, but he had a drink and solvent abuse problem, so at times he was not a nice person and that probably put girls off seeing him as a drunk or drugged up to the eyeballs. I am in no way putting him down as I love him so dearly and always will I am just trying to put the differences with the two brothers across the best way I can.
David was unemployed at the time and could never seem to keep a job for long due to his drink problem, but when offered the help 5 months before his death, he said no and that he would fix this himself. He was put on anti depressants and did start to improve or so we thought until his death.

Raymond however was opposite, he had a high ranking well paid job, a large beautiful house, a happy marriage and two lovely kids. He was famous around where we live, as he was the head door attendant in one of the better nightclubs, he also had already opened 2 schools to train Tia-Kwon-Do and was due to open his third club the night he died.

The impact this has had on my parents has mentally scared them for life and can never find any peace in their lives. I try to do as much as I can to help, but I cannot do the one this I pray for every night. For the pain to be taken away as much as possible, to allow them to get healthier and to find some sort of peace in there life. On saying this though they are both now getting there religious faith back but more so my father as he is now a lay minister.

Sadly, after all this the family has now totally fallen apart.
My parent never see Raymond's wife or two children as she moved away with a new man and doesn't even talk about my parent to the children, My brother mark is still seriously mentally ill after Raymond's death, he is angry and has not grieved but a the same time will not seek help as he is convinced hat he is fine. He told my parents a week after the funeral that he wanted nothing more to do with me as far as he was concerned I was dead as were my individual family because I would be killing myself next and if he has nothing to do with me it won't hurt him when I die. This tore my parents to pieces and tried for two years to make him see sense,but in the end he did the same to them and totally removed them from his lives saying they were dead to him and his family, so my parents had to deal with the fact that there son ,his wife and his two children will never be part of their lives or mine. So all my mother and father have left out of Four children, two daughter-in laws, one son-in-law and six grand children they have only got one daughter/her husband and there two children.
Still she fights one. Everyday is a battle for her and my father but I speak to them everyday and always will,I help them as much as I can and they help each other two.
It has been 11 years now since David died at the age of 29, and six years since Raymond died at the age of 34, and she is just about coping with everyday life as long as no stress is put on her.

As I said, these two devastating deaths by suicide have destroyed my family, but I want this opportunity to tell everyone that I love all my family very dearly. I adore my parents and they are very special to me and I love my brothers Raymond and David very much and of course I love my brother Mark and I miss him dearly to and pray that one day he will get better and come back to what is left of the family.

THEREFORE, TO SUM IT ALL UP EVERYTHING TO DO WITH S FOR ME IS SUICIDE AND SORROW.

ADDITIONAL THING I FEEL I SHOULD SAY
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Firstly I have written this review to try and get people who think that suicide is the cowards way out because, it takes a lot of courage to deliberately take your own life, and there must be something that is causing them so much pain and distress to feel that they ave no other choices left in life and nowhere to turn to for help or to sort what ever it is out.

I would now like to say a few words to the loving memories of my brother: ~

In Loving Memory of Raymond and David
We all love you both dearly every day of our lives
So dearly loved, so sadly missed but always in our hearts
Rest peacefully Ray and Dave under the wings of the Angel
Who now cares for you and protects you
GOD BLESS YOU BOTH, YOU ARE
BOTH SO DEARLY LOVED AND SADLY MISSED.

I pray to the lord god that one day some peace will be given to my Mother and my Father and Mark, that there pain will soon be made easier. I pray that someday our family can try to rebuild a bond together again. However, most of all I pray that all here health can be made better.

I dedicate this review to
Raymond 1964-2000 RIP
David 1967-1995 RIP
RESTING IN PEACE WITH OUR LORD.