Got some really nice comments on my last writing attempt so I'm afraid you're in for it now.....yep another one....last one for a while I promise.
She stood there staring at everyone, her dad, her dad was crying, she couldn't ever remember seeing that before. There were five other people in the room with her and she looked at all of them, her mum's eyes were red rimmed, her sister's bright blue eyes brimming over. She turned to A he sat at the bottom of the stairs his head in his hands and his girlfriend S was approaching her trying to hug her. She wondered briefly what was wrong with her, shouldn't she be crying too? Her eyes were dry. Her dad took charge, there were arrangements to be made other people had to be told. She found her voice, or more to the point her voice found her, "You have to phone my boss tell him I won't be in" It seemed to her a strange thing to be thinking about surely there were other things she should be thinking about, other things she should be feeling.
She got home no sign of a tear yet, there were more people in the house, they knew, they looked at her with pity in their eyes. They wanted to talk, she didn't. She sat on the sofa while they discussed it, dragging deeply on one cigerette after another, she'd been allowed to smoke in the living room, she was usually relegated to the back garden. One by one people left, it was just her and her parents. She went to sleep. Sleep came easier than it should have, she tried to stop it, thinking she shouldn't but she lost. She dreamt mixed up dreams that it was all a big joke, that it wasn't true. She dreamt she found him.
She woke up and the sun was shining, she leant back lazily in bed, she rolled over the bed was empty, she remembered. The smile faded but still the tears did not come. She had to tell people, wanted to tell people, maybe if she said it, it would be real. She phoned M, "He's dead" M was shocked having just returned from holiday "He killed himself" M came and brought the boys with her. They sat in the sunshine discussing their holiday, her phone continously beeped, people knew. She started explaining.
They'd been friends first her and him, she'd been almost sixteen when they got together. It was so happy at first. They'd eventually moved into his dad's together, living in one room, she was nineteen at this point. They'd started to argue, he became jealous of the boys and to a lesser extent her success. They'd started arguing a lot. She summoned the nerve to try and break it off and he threatened to kill himself so she'd stayed. They decided to move to her parents, they would have two rooms, more space maybe that would help. It did for a while but they fell back into arguing, he quit his job and she felt stuck in the middle of him and her parents. She tried to end it again, but he stayed living there and old habits are hard to break.
She'd come home from work one day and he wasn't there. She tried phoning and couldn't get through, she got mad and went out with M and the boys.
She finally spoke to him at midnight he said he was staying with his friends that weekend and not coming away with her to see her friend. She went via the bank and discovered her bank account had been emptied. She went away for the weekend. She came back on Sunday and he hadn't been home. She spoke to him and told him about the money and how she had to go to the police to stand any chance of getting it back. He said he was leaving and would be home shortly. He never arrived.
Ten days went past, she hadn't been to work. His car had been found, they searched the area. His mobile phone had been traced, they searched the area, her, his dad and her parents. they spent days looking, phoning his friends, going through his stuff trying to find something, anything that would explain it. She called his phone every hour and sent message after message. They found something, he had been taking cocaine and started using it very heavily. She felt stupid, she didn't know, how could she not have known.
Ten days later, the announcement in that room had come, they'd found him. He'd been hanging from a tree in a disused airbase. He'd left a note on his phone for her, the police hadn't told her, they's told his dad "I love you, I never meant to hurt you, I want you to have all my stuff."
The funeral had to be arranged, she went to the funeral parlour with his dad. They chose a cremation, he was to be in his favourite football shirt. She could put things in the coffin if she wanted. The funeral parlour, the police, everyone kept referring to it as the body or the coffin. She was still numb she still hadn't cried. His dad wanted to talk to her a lot, he wanted answers to questions she didn't know the answers to, she started to feel like he was blaming her, and started thinking maybe he was right.
The night before the funeral M and one of the boys stayed with her, she couldn't sleep. The next day she dressed in her black suit and walked round to his dads house, dragging deeply on a cigerette. The funeral cars pulled up she had to get in one, she didn't want to, she wanted to run away, from the people who were upset, from the pitying stares, from the coffin sitting there. She got in the car, what else could she do. The funeral passed in a blur, his mum in front of her, crying so much she couldn't stand and then it started the tears, she couldn't stop them she had to leave with everyone watching her but noticed the red rimmed eyes of her friends. B came and hugged her and said nothing what was there that could be said. They went back to his dad's house for the wake, she left as soon as she could and went to the pub with her friends and got drunk, it was over.
Except it wasn't over, she carried on she didn't let it beat her, she didn't let him beat her. She went wild. She drank a lot, barely slept and met guys, guys who she used to try and make herself feel better, they never did. If she drank she didn't dream. That's what she couldn't stand, if she dreamt she woke up thinking everything was ok, then she remembered.
She only talked about it when she was drunk, and even then only to a few people, she never let herself break down, thinking that she would have failed if she did.
There was an inquest, it was an open verdict, there wasn't enough evidence to suggest he had killed himself, they asked her did she have anything to say, she didn't. The coroner got his name wrong throughout the inquest and the paper wrote the story all wrong. It shouldn't have got to her, he wasn't as important to them as he was to her, had been to her.
She met a guy, a nice sweet guy who said nice things to her, who made her feel good about herself. There was only one catch, she didn't really feel anything for him. It soon fizzled out, it had been a year, a year she didn't seem to remember passing. She marked the occasion with her friends she told them she was all fine, that was what they wanted to hear wasn't it?
She bought herself a flat and things got easier, she wasn't still in the same bed they had shared it was her's, her own. She was lonely. She met another guy, she thought it could be something. He was shy, didn't go out didn't meet her friends.
She felt liked she blinked and suddenly two years had passed since the annoucement in the room. She was getting restless, too much of her life was passing her by without her taking an interest in it. She decided to move, new surroundings. She crossed the sea, changed home, country and jobs. She started to feel better. She decided not to tell anyone, a fresh start, but soon realised that wouldn't work, it was too big a part of her life, a part of who she was now.
She's now twenty-three, she decided to end it with the guy she had been seeing, it was starting to feel seedy and not right. She's alone again, away from friends and family and she still tells everyone she's fine, but she realises maybe she's not. She's not sure what the future holds but she knows now she's strong. She knows if she can get through that she can get through pretty much anything. She's not sure if there is a happy ending to this story and she knows she'll never be the same as she was. But she's still here, she's still alive and she's still trying.
Thanks for reading
Maria
Teardrops and Smiles..... 
