Ex-Lax Chocolate Laxative > Reviews (6)

Rarely in a your lifetime will you ever encounter a consumable product as deceptively lethal as Ex-Lax brand laxatives. They’re so tiny… so chocolaty… so hell-bent on rendering your bowels into acidic juice. They appear innocent or even harmless, but are in reality quite the opposite.

Like a combat knife disguised a banana, they look delicious but will skewer your insides with no remorse.

Their proclaimed goal is to keep you “regular”. It wasn’t until the first time I ate these things that I discovered regular meant, “crippled and forced into the fetal position”.

Where did my animosity for this medicinal product come from? When did I go astray?

Point by point, we will explore the fine and not-so-fine points of Ex-Lax.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Does anybody out their in Brit Land drink Slim Fast? The powdered kind, mind you. On the label, it instructs you to add one scoop to a glass full of milk, and mix. Seems simple enough.

But I could not be satisfied by a mere single scoop. In true “excessive force” style, I plopped three scoops of that infernal concoction into my milk. THREE. And when I finished the last gulp of my super-powered Slim Fast, I promptly mixed up another three-scooper and drank it down quicker than the first.

Only an hour had passed before I realized the error of my ways. I had inadvertently consumed the equivalent of 6 meals in the time span of 6 minutes. My gastrointestinal system began to revolt in the worst way possible. I instantly feared for my life.

My fear was well justified. I knew that if I attempted to use the bathroom, then I would wind up forcing my guts (in their entirety) through my south end, which would end in certain death. I needed a solution. I needed Ex-Lax.

PURCHASING EX-LAX: AN EMBARRASMENT BY ITSELF

Have you ever bought Ex-Lax from the grocery store? Have you ever been met with a ridiculing stare, followed by a condescending “Will that be all?” from the cashier? Have you ever left the grocery store, face aflame, while the people in line behind you whisper of your crap-related ineptitude?

I have. And it sucks. Straight up.

DEATH BY DIARRHEA

I was considerably dismayed to discover that these things would take anywhere from 6-12 hours to begin their stool-loosening magic. I wanted instant gratification (such is the American curse) and half a day seemed far too long to wait. In an effort to hasten the process, I ate four pieces rather than the suggested two.

In hindsight, I realized that my overdose was a terrible, terrible mistake.

As the clock ticked and tocked, and the minutes progressed at a painfully slow pace, I found myself doubting the potency of Ex-Lax. It wasn’t doing a damn thing. I went to sleep, confident that the chocolates had failed in their mission.

Four hours later, I was rudely awakened by the boiling within my bowels.

I could disgust the living hell out of you by describing the events that followed in graphic detail, but I will refrain for sake of your sanity. I wouldn’t want you to hock up that bowl of Cheerios you had this morning. It wouldn’t rest well with my conscience.

To make a long story short: I shat. I shat liquid fire, matey! And when I thought I could sh-t no more, I was proven wrong. Time and time again.

My final recommendation? Ex-Lax works, buddy. It works a little too well. Pace yourself before you erase yourself.