Floormaster

...clog-dancer.

Floormaster Aqu Loc comes in packs of eight planks, each one measuring 186 x 1285 x 8mm. This is enough to cover an area of 1.91 sq.m, at a cost of £26.70.

As mr-zeeman's lounge measures 22 square metres, I forked out £320.40 for 12 packs of laminate, a further £39.80 for 10 lengths of matching 'trim' to go around the edge, £45.70 for sound-proofing underlay, and £20 to have it all delivered. Altogether, ...
...15-year manufacturer's warranty (which means hanging on to the till receipt until the year 2020 has safely passed).

This product is produced under the "Valinge Innovation Patents" (eh?) apparently, and my only quibble is that they don't produce a nice deep dark colour in their faux-wood laminate designs. I like a gloomy, mysterious and foreboding atmosphere in my home … light and airy is far too whimsical, and just doesn't ... more

Dragging along at the rear end of the 20th Century came a host of stylistic home improvement 'innovations' which mr-zeeman viewed with customary distain. Having already bowed to the pressure of having plastic window frames and doors installed, another hideous aberration was able to make its way into mr-zeeman's home following two dramatic events which occurred almost simultaneously:

Firstly, Susan decided to eat a large part of the lounge carpet. As Susan is normally a well-behaved 8 year-old mongrel, there was really no excuse for this delinquent action. She would be 56 years of age in human terms … so I can only think that she was undergoing a bizarre mid-life crisis at the time.

Secondly, mr-zeeman's demented and incontinent mother moved in, with a vast array of mechanical equipment on wheels, loaned from Social Services.

Obviously the carpet had to go …not only was it rapidly becoming a health hazard due to the fall-out from my mother's mouth, bladder and bowels; but the hole Susan had created had gradually grown into a substantial trip hazard. Replacing the old carpet with a new one was pointless … not only might Susan choose to vandalise the replacement; and effluent escaping from my mother's orifices cause chronic soiling; but also a smooth, friction-free surface was needed … to push and pull the hydraulic hoist, wheelchair, and commode around, with a minimum of effort. The entire ground floor area of mr-zeeman's Lego-built circa 1960 dwelling is formed from some sort of incredibly ugly brown concrete mixture that simply HAS to be hidden from view. Thus, as a matter of grudging expediency, laminate became the flooring of choice.

Laminate flooring can be summed up in a few words … expensive, unattractive, hardwearing, and easily-cleaned. Whatever the various manufacturers may boast, their product doesn't exactly recreate the appearance of real hardwood floors, or stone tiles, because of its ultra-flat surface texture. It is quite without doubt a synthetic item. Indeed the only visual similarity to another product that I can suggest is a vague likeness to vinyl flooring. And having seen other people's choice of laminate I can snootily report that "you get what you pay for" … in other words, if you choose ultra-cheap it will tend to look ultra-cheap.

Buying this stuff is a brow-furrowing event. I wasted time visiting places such as Homebase and Focus without knowing exactly what I was looking for, or which product offered the best value for money. But having taken advice from a trustworthy tradesman I opted for "Floormaster Aqua Loc" in a "Rootwood" effect (lots of "woody" knots and whorls, and the darkest shade available) which can be bought on-line from B&Q. This is a water resistant, glueless, heavy-duty (AC 5) laminate ... which will probably still be on the floor when the house around it has long since crumbled to dust.

All laminate flooring has (or should have) an "AC rating" which is based on standards devised by its European Producers. These ratings are derived from the results of numerous quality-control tests, which determine such things as a product's resistance to abrasion, stains, burns, furniture marks etc. If you're considering purchasing laminate flooring that doesn't carry an AC rating, do bear in mind that it probably means that it has failed to meet these accepted industry standards. The AC rating is a ranking scale from 1 to 5. AC 1 being the lowest rating, denoting products which should only be used in light-traffic areas. Most residential laminate flooring will come with an AC 2 or 3 rating, although the very best premium brands will have the highest rating of AC 5 … strong enough to handle absolutely anything, including mr-zeeman's mother's haulage equipment, three bouncing dogs, a massive amount of furniture, stiletto-heeled visitors, and an enthusiastic heavyweight clog-dancer.

Floormaster Aqu Loc comes in packs of eight planks, each one measuring 186 x 1285 x 8mm. This is enough to cover an area of 1.91 sq.m, at a cost of £26.70.

As mr-zeeman's lounge measures 22 square metres, I forked out £320.40 for 12 packs of laminate, a further £39.80 for 10 lengths of matching 'trim' to go around the edge, £45.70 for sound-proofing underlay, and £20 to have it all delivered. Altogether, a total of £425.90. Aqua Loc is accompanied by a 15-year manufacturer's warranty (which means hanging on to the till receipt until the year 2020 has safely passed).

This product is produced under the "Valinge Innovation Patents" (eh?) apparently, and my only quibble is that they don't produce a nice deep dark colour in their faux-wood laminate designs. I like a gloomy, mysterious and foreboding atmosphere in my home … light and airy is far too whimsical, and just doesn't hold any appeal.

So what exactly IS this virtually indestructible product? Well, laminate flooring consists of several layers that are fused together using heat and extremely high pressure. Generally these layers include:

1. The Wear Layer: The very uppermost layer. It's usually made from cellulose paper that has been saturated with melamine plastic resins to make the surface incredibly scratch-resistant.

2. The Design Layer: This is the wood- or tile-effect image which is typically a photograph or patterned print that has been copied onto cellulose paper. Because it is below the upper melamine layer, it is mark, scuff, and fade resistant.

3. The Core Layer: The 'backbone' of all laminate flooring. The core layer is usually some form of processed particle board and comes in different strengths and thicknesses, appropriate to the use of the floor.

4. The Stabilizing Layer: This is the bottom layer that holds everything in place. It's usually made from resin-saturated paper, just like the top layer.

In addition, some brands have an underlay already attached to the base, which is designed to absorb sound and cushion the floor. It is usually made of cork, felt, foam or some other such material.

Having forked out a small fortune for the flooring, I decided that my dodgy D.I.Y skills weren't up to the job of actually installing the stuff ... even though the edges of the planks simply slot firmly together, and the laminate is easy to saw when smaller pieces are required. So a further outlay of cash ensured that the work was carried out to perfection in a matter of hours, by someone who knew precisely what he was doing (and was very easy on the eye).

The best part of correctly-laid laminate flooring is that it requires virtually no maintenance. If a plank in situ does happen to become damaged, it can (with some effort) be lifted and replaced. Cleaning it is an absolute breeze as the stuff doesn't trap bits of debris in the way that fibres of a carpet do. In fact, I've noticed that stray dog hairs, dust and crumbs tend to accumulate together in tumbleweed-like bundles which scuttle around the edges of the room, and are easily brushed away. Liquid spills, muddy paw-prints and human detritus all vanish with a quick wipe of a damp cloth.

Here's the B&Q link:
http://www.diy.com/diy/jsp/bq/category/category.jsp?tb=&CATID=8100025
 

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