Author's Car rating: 
| Advantages: |
Biggity - big . . . makes others think YOU must be big, too ! |
| Disadvantages: |
Outrageous petroleum consumption should make you feel guilty enough to lose your hair |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
no |
If you, like me, love a good oil-producing nation, and dismiss any hare-brained notions about environmental protection, terrorism, safety of those around you, etc, then the Ford F350 (also known as F&#%-Thrifty) and its SUV cousin - the Excursion - is the vehicle for you, my friend.
If you, like me, have some amount of insecurity about your manhood, well then - you, too, are in luck - the Ford Erection...errr..Excursion, sorry, is indeed custom-made for you. At least until your friend down the block buys an H2, making you again feel puny and weak - like a Geo Metro of a man or something.
Want details ? Okay, fine. Here they are, in the order they matter to people who actually purchase these monstrosities:
BIGNESS:
137 inch wheelbase
3 rows of seats
44 gallon fuel tank (or, in Sally Struthers-speak: the equivalent of enough $ to feed a small nation each week...Wow !)
ENGINES:
V8, V10, or a "PowerStroke" Diesel - gee, nothing remotely suggestive about THAT name, is there ?
Anywhere from 250 to well over 300 horsepower depending on the engine option
Anywhere from 350 to well over 500 lb-ft of torque, depending on the motor option....i.e. you can actually tow an aircraft carrier into battle if the need arises (and it will if we have to keep funneling oil to power behemoths like this one)
FUEL ECONOMY:
Don't make me laugh pilgrim ! We don't concern ourselves with this kind of nonsense. If we wanted a Toyota Priss...err Prius, we would have bought one. Now out of our way before we run right over your tree-hugging self.
SAFETY:
Lots for you - second generation airbags, lower anchors and tethers for children (the LATCH system), ABS
None for anybody you hit - they should have been driving an SUV, too ! Serves them right if they get hit driving one of those little pansy cars. Besides, it's not your fault you learned how to drive in a car and have no idea how to control a big truck like this, right ?
TRIM LEVELS:
Available in XLT, XLT Premium, Limited, and Eddie Bauer - for those of you who just can't get enough of yourself.
LUXURY OPTIONS:
You mean, beyond just owning a truck of this outrageously over-the-top scale ?
Okay, okay, here are some extras: Captain's chairs (insert your own joke here), heated seats, power everything, heated mirrors, adjustable pedals, DVD entertainment package, leather, smart-looking "I Love Big Oil" cap
How Does it Drive ?
-------------------
Like a big truck... how did you think it drove ?
How it drives it not the point, friend. If you were really concerned with driveability you'd buy a car. Let's move on.
Bottom line: if you must, must, must keep up with the folks down the street who just bought an Escalade, go right ahead and buy an Excursion. Keep wondering about the dirty looks you get as you drive over curbs, cut people off, fill it up at the station for only $60, and on and on. Those people are just poor and jealous.
