Fun Fiction

PLEASE NOTE: That the views expressed in this review are those of the author, "RICHADA", and do not reflect the views of the CIAO organisation or necessarily the opinions of the members individually mentioned.

I have to state publicly that I have given into considerable pressure, having come under some duress, to complete this highly original challenge, originated by dempsey_review. At risk of being sent directly to the tower ...
...mount a rescue bid on this particular lady is way beyond me.

Those of you who know me sufficiently well will know that I am not a political activist and am as loyal to the Queen as the next man or woman in Britain. You may also have read in a previous challenge, or about me, that I have a knack of being able to tell the good guys from the bad guys in life. The good guys I will do almost anything for, whilst the bad guys, where possible ... more

PLEASE NOTE: That the views expressed in this review are those of the author, "RICHADA", and do not reflect the views of the CIAO organisation or necessarily the opinions of the members individually mentioned.

I have to state publicly that I have given into considerable pressure, having come under some duress, to complete this highly original challenge, originated by dempsey_review. At risk of being sent directly to the tower myself, charged with treason, quite why he should want to mount a rescue bid on this particular lady is way beyond me.

Those of you who know me sufficiently well will know that I am not a political activist and am as loyal to the Queen as the next man or woman in Britain. You may also have read in a previous challenge, or about me, that I have a knack of being able to tell the good guys from the bad guys in life. The good guys I will do almost anything for, whilst the bad guys, where possible I leave alone, after all why manufacture a situation where you have to soil yourself with them in the first place?

Running a huge risk of alienating a lot of my friends here on Ciao, before going any further, I would also like to state my "angle" on Charles Windsor's first wife Diana, towards whom I was at the time, and remain, rather ambivalent. As one who has a much younger wife, in my case, this has nothing to do with the age difference. Surely any nincompoop could have seen how totally inappropriate this pairing was way before the marriage took place. Diana was led, so we are now to believe, like a lamb to the slaughter, wed to a fox hunting, polo playing genetically un-modified (more's the pity!) prince whom everyone else, but her, knew had another (married) woman stashed away for a rainy day.

OK, apologies dear readers, and I am aware that many of you are too young to remember Charles and Diana "the early years", some of you may even feel sorry for Charles in that his true love had been denied to him for all those years - after all he and Mrs Parker-Bowles do, and would always, at least, have "looked" a more suitable couple……..

……am I the only one to have seen a stunning likeness to this couple in that new Walkers "Cheeseheads" advert?

OK sorry dempsey, time for the main action feature and to follow your assignment instructions:

THE SCENARIO

1) The Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla Parker Bowles has been kidnapped by a well known notorious gangster called 'Scarface'. He is demanding £500.000 from The Prince Of Wales.
If the ransom is not met by 7pm this evening or anyone is noticed attempting to gain entry, he will kill her, and uncover an incriminating document which may hurt the Royal Family's reputation.

2) Camilla is held hostage at Windsor Castle, which he and 20 terrorists took over earlier today.

3) 3 of the terrorists are with Scarface holding Camilla in the function room waiting for a phone call letting them know their demands are being met.

4) A further 5 terrorists are in the castles main vault room guarding the document which is in a secure vault, which has a code only one person in the world is clever enough to crack and he has been murdered already!

5) The remaining twelve terrorists are guarding each entrance to the castle with high explosives and heavy weaponry. All rooms have security cameras!

There is a mole in the FBI agency leaking information to the terrorists, foiling every effort attempted by the FBI to gain entrance or defuse the situation.

MY INITIAL THOUGHTS ON THIS ASSIGNMENT:

……Oh dear, this is going to be VERY difficult as I already have a strong gut feeling as to who Scarface and his accomplices are. We are dealing with forces here beyond the understanding of the man in the street - forces with which, for reasons already hinted at above, I have deep misgivings about tangling with.

Fortunately the brief allows me to put together a highly experienced and skilful team, drawing on the deep resources available to me from the CIAO (Completely Insane Assignment Organisation) membership pool.

As several of you have pointed out, tactfully or not (thanks EJ!), I am no spring chicken. However I would like to think that that gives me a certain advantage when it comes to wisdom in choosing and then leading that team. The success of this assignment will come down to intelligence, rather than brawn or beauty. However, in my current rather incapacitated and slightly depressed state, I do need to surround myself with beauty too. Considering my scepticism towards the dubious ethical outcome of this mission, should it end in success, my morale, not to mention ego, will constantly require boosting throughout.

Fortunately, due to my prior reconnaissance of Windsor Castle last summer, disguised as a fully able bodied member of the public, with family in tow, I am able to direct the team around the place. Indeed, I have re-read my review "A Right Royal Rip Off" in order to felly re-familiarise myself with that very place……

……Now it would appear that a right royal is being ripped off, what a lovely piece of Ciao "poetic" justice……..

……NO! RICHADA is not Scarface…..just in case you were wondering!

Those of you who read my review on Windsor Castle will already be aware of certain practical difficulties;

1) Parking in Windsor is very expensive and at a premium
2) It costs a fortune to get into Windsor Castle
3) Security when you enter is drum tight
4) Windsor castle is a huge complex with hundreds of rooms

If Charles cannot afford the, to him, poultry £500,000 to pay the ransom, then I don't see why we should pay a fortune to get into his Mummy's exorbitant gaff.

Therefore I have in mind an actual "action team" no bigger than that which can fit into an average size MPV, which can be hired as cheaply as possible from Budget Rent a Wreck. Yes a seven seater, but only six members in the team as presumably Mrs Parker-Bowles-Windsor-Cornwall will need somewhere to sit on the way home……

……following a thread of similar comments made by several of my team members we could attach a horsebox to the rear, but hey guys, let's not get too personal here - and after all where would we park it? We are not supposed to be seen!

MY C.I.A.O. - COMPLETELY INSANE ASSIGNMENT ORGANISATION TEAM…….

……and why they are the chosen few……...

……In absolutely no order of preference, I'll do this alphabetically, my team members are as follows:

big_dirty_em_n_that

Useful to have on ones' side, being in the military (TA) already, has also, naturally, sworn allegiance to Queen and Country. She is determined to join the army at 21, their gain presumably will be our loss, but I am sure that this "operation" will stand her in excellent stead of gaining a fast track placing into Sandhurst.

Also does a nifty line in "marital aids" - ok, sex toys then, have it your way O Dirty One! There is more than one way of keeping up my morale, and the Royal family amused I suppose.

Did I say dirty? Sorry, but I did mean that in the military sense naturally, camouflage outfit, muddied face, appropriate flora sticking out from top of hat. Methinks this may just attract attention on Windsor High Street, we don't all want to finish up arrested under the Terrorism Act, sorry Em, you'll have to come disguised as a tourist in stead.

My friend Em is everything that I am not right now, young fit and naturally beautiful, also not reliant on a pair of crutches, a definite plus that!

Why oh why is Em not leading this attempt then?

OK Em, over to you………

……End of review, such a pity her name came up first alphabetically!

(Making this the shortest review that I have ever written - thanks sighs Mr Roy)

……"What?"

……"You have never been to Windsor Castle? And the idea of directing the operation, bobbing about in a dinghy on the River Thames makes you feel sick?"

Oh that makes planning and executing [REMINDER: She is supposed to survive the rescue!] the operation a little difficult then……

Sorry, guess that I'll have to hold onto the reins after all.

Coloneljohn

Come on now, you did not seriously expect me to plan ANY form of operation without the full consultation and participation of this particular gentleman did you?

I started this plan by announcing that I was putting experience before all other considerations. The Colonel, Sir to you and I, is a man whom I admire and hold in the very highest regard. This comes about not just through his very obvious military bearing, but in being a true gentleman. Strong in his convictions and, I do not think he will mind me saying this, even not enjoying the strongest of health, a natural and fair disciplinarian.

Coloneljohn is not a man to get on the wrong side of, and can strike an affective and lethal blow with his covert weapon, a walking stick, which has seen action in giving much younger terrorists a well deserved short sharp shock.

Not in the least out of touch with modern technology and indeed society in general, the Colonel is also a passionate photographer and patient observer (bird watcher).

All in all, just the kind of character to bring experience and gravitas to this operation, indeed an inspirational team leader, much better qualified than I for such a task………

……"What?"

……"Sorry, Sir, there is a strange crackling noise on this line. Did you say that your experiment in the garden with the weeds and those high explosives went wrong and you are worried about Her Majesty's immaculate flower beds at Windsor?"

……Oh dear, oh dear, yes I can see that as a potential problem! Looks like a behind the scenes senior advisory role for you then Sir, strictly no explosives…..

……It's looking increasingly likely that I AM going to have to lead this thing!

derek-j-a

Derek, as I think most of you will be aware, is a truly nice guy, a man of genuinely unique character. A gentleman, peacemaker - he has enjoyed a past life as a musician, travelling widely and gaining much experience - but now resides in South Wales, almost as a "professional" peacemaker.

From Derek, over the past eighteen months or so, I have learned many things about life and good karma - very important not to go rushing into a thing like this half cocked.

Being such a well balanced individual, Derek will definitely offer a steadying hand and a cool head during the course of the operation. He is also, in common with several other team members, excellent at cutting through the waffle and highlighting just the parts that you need to know - a skill woefully lacking in myself, witness my long rambling reviews………

……OK Derek, over to you - you'll plan and execute this in half the time that it'll take me, and generate a whole heap less paperwork! The best of luck mate!.........

……"What?

……You're stuck in a jam on the M4 thanks to the bus lane and won't be able to get here before 6.30pm, allowing just thirty minutes to plan and execute it? Good God, if Tony Blair really wants this woman rescued couldn't he get rid of the flaming bus lane??????

Sorry Derek, the signal's breaking up"…..

…… "I said he HAS suspended it, but one of "Two Jags'" Jags has broken down in it, causing a tailback to Swindon"………

I'm stuck with this assignment aren't I? (That flaming DEMPSEY!!!!!!!!!!!)

e.j.kingham

What can I say about my dear "EJ"? I would not make a move here without her being in the "company"! We are as chalk and cheese in terms of character, yet share a similar sense of humour.

I also happen to have two important things in common with her nearest and dearest - spooky!

The only problem may be a certain lack of respect here - EJ thinks that I am an old crock and a dangerous maniac on the road taboot……

(Ha! bl**dy ha! At least I'm not stuck in a tailback on the M4!)

……never mind, we all have our failings!

……she has yet to meet my nominated driver (did anyone say that I couldn't make this a vodka night?) for this operation, who makes me look decidedly "Formula Ford"……

……make sure you pack a spare pair of smalls EJ, you're going to need them!

EJ is expert at de-fusing any situation. She is master of taking the p*ss and for very good reason. She is fully qualified not only to take it (also other bodily fluids), but to analyse it too! With a sharp scientific brain and wit to match she is able to outthink and outwit even the smartest of adversaries.

Being of diminutive stature but perfectly formed, EJ will easily gain entry to the castle hiding under one of those tall Busby hats worn by the Royal Guard. Looking as she does, there will be no problem in attracting the biggest and "fittest" of the guards. (How was that for "young speak" then EJ?)

She is also a keen dancer especially on ice and so should manage to avoid any incapacitating slip ups……if only I had had her by my side on 1st January……….

……Over to you then Superwoman, you have all the required characteristics to…….

……"What?"

"What do you mean that the Ciao Police are charging you with accepting E's from dirty old men at the school gate - you've not been to school for years!"

Somebody HELP! This just goes from bad to worse!

Janej47

Ah just the person, I call "HELP!" and here is Jane hurtling to the rescue in her Corvette.

This lady I think, for most of you at least, needs little introduction from me. Her whole life sounds like the plot from a rather exciting adventure novel. Had he still been alive, she and my late great, Great Uncle Bill would have been best buddies. Jane is an extraordinary mix of sheer fearless courage with an extraordinarily cool head. Due to her many experiences, Jane strikes me as someone who just instinctively knows how to react to any given situation.

Like me, she does not suffer fools gladly, but unlike me is not afraid to tell people what to do when required.

The only problem with Jane, and I have a feeling that she will not mind me saying this, is that she sort of attracts unlikely situations, therefore life around her can tend to be slightly "unpredictable" to put it mildly. Bearing in mind the absolutely crucial role I have lined up for her in this operation I have my fingers and toes (on my good foot at least) firmly crossed.

Jane has already been consulted on this and has agreed to be the team's driver. This decision was an easy one. She is the only Ciao member that I know who has actually lapped Silverstone. She has also had experience with the biking "fraternity" - by comparison Scarface will prove a pussy cat.

Indeed being the generous lady that she is, she even offered to bring her own wheels, yes, the Corvette! However, fast as this particular getaway car is, there are drawbacks - it would be more likely to get noticed in Windsor High Street than a Lambo Murcielago with Jeremy Clarkson behind the wheel. Apart from that, EJ is the only person that I know flexible and petite enough to squeeze into the back of it.

Thanks Jane, kind offer but I've a Galaxy 2.8 V6 coming up from Budget Rent a Wreck in Reading…….

……."What?"

…….Oh my GOD! It's stuck on the M4 because Two Jags' Jag has now literally melted down into the bus lane, Derek picked it up on his way up from South Wales!!!!!!!

Good job EJ's nimble enough to fit into the back of the Corvette!...........

……"What?"

……"They want HOW much for bailing you out for the afternoon Sweet Pea? Come on EJ, apparently Mrs Parker-Bowles-Windsor-Cornwall's only worth £500K, how on earth can the receipt of a few gratuitous E's warrant a bail THAT high?"

Louizalass

"Lou, are you small and nimble enough to get into the Corvette?"

"I may be small enough, but you know damned well I have arthritis and couldn't possibly contort myself into a low-slung car like that!"……..

……Never mind Lou, I'm not attempting a rescue a attempt on this woman without you by my side, you a woman of the world, a fearless Liverpudlian used too to harsh Scottish winters.

I have known Lou almost since my first days on Ciao, she shares my interest in ships and many of my views on life in general come to think of it. She is not going to take any nonsense from a jumped up nobody like Scarface - even if he is rather well connected and can give a fair impression of "Zorba the Greek"!

With EJ's incarceration, Derek's entrapment on the M4 and Coloneljohn's unfortunate incident in the garden, we are running out of time, team members - and options for plan "B".

Lou has suggested a plan involving some Tupperware, apparently she only has smaller sized containers of the stuff, we are only up and running with that idea if a) Camilla Parker-Bowles-Windsor-Cornwall is indeed Cheeshead's cousin, or b) she can be broken down into rather small component parts for easy removal.

The boot of Jane's car, being quite small tends to favour b) above, as indeed do Lou and myself, RICHADA not being a great cheese lover in all honesty.

……"What?

NO! Lou, tell me this isn't happening! The Skye Bridge can't be closed due to high winds, you HAVE to get here….I'll finish up doing this all on my own if it carries on like this - don't think that my crutches are up to scaling the mighty walls of Windsor Castle! Maybe I could get the Royal flight to come and collect you."…….

……"Hello Derek? At last! Are you moving yet?"

"No, but I may be soon, they have just closed the M4 westbound to land the Royal Flight, Two Jags apparently got fed up waiting for the AA to turn up!"

……"What? Don't they know that the Royal Flight is required to aid the rescue of a Royal personage? Why doesn't he get on a bus and use the flaming bus lane?"

"Tell you what Lou, the wheels are coming off this operation fast - I think I'll let the Colonel do his thing with the dynamite and let you do the deed from up there on Skye by remote control."

Millieroy

Now I am aware that I am taking a considerable risk here with this particular team member. Personally speaking I hold Millie in the very highest esteem, hanging on every word that she writes, even when that writing includes a high elephant content.

She has a fantastic sense of humour and a wide ranging multi-cultural knowledge. The problem is that Millie has the most extraordinary split personality that I have ever come across. On serious employment related matters she is highly expert, believe me, I am well qualified to judge that. The problem is that 50% of her output involves sheer and total fantasy, colourful clothes, ludicrous songs, dance routines and…..well, to put it as delicately as possible, embarrassing sets.

She is you see, prone to wander off at length into the world of the Bollywood movie. Now I'm no great fan of movies, Bollywood or otherwise, however, this "operation" is rapidly turning into a complete and utter farce, Millie could therefore have just the talent I need to rescue it - or heaven forbid, turn it into a Bollywood musical.

I am sure that Millie is a far more imaginative leader than I, equally well versed in health and safety matters and capable of carrying out this operation in strict accordance with ISO 9001:2000. In terms of Quality Management I am sure that this will give Prince Charles terrific reassurance that everything is above board, efficient and of course in the words of the late great Kenny Everett "the best". Oh sh*t, that was the Everest ad. Sorry I meant to say "in the best possible taste".

Over to you my dear Millie, good luck any assistance don't hesitate to ask……..

…….WHAT!!???

"You don't SERIOUSLY expect me to believe that you've been swept off your feet by an X-Factor contestant who just happens to be an elephant breeder in Fiazabad do you? Can't he come along too? We could probably use an elephant or two, it might save EJ the sweat and pain of going in under a Buzby hat. We'll dress Jane in a safari suit and she can tell the guards that the elephants, have escaped from London Zoo!"

"Sorry, Millie, this is a terrible line - did you just say that you were 4,000 miles away from London Zoo?"

Paul99ine

Now at last, here is someone upon whom I can totally rely. Representing Scotland on this mission - sorry Lou, but you are only an "honorary Scot" - Pauline has just the kind of savvy we need to get this operation back on track.

This lady talks more common sense than anyone that I have ever met and like the majority of her countrymen is very canny. Having given up smoking last year, the world is her oyster, Pauline can achieve almost anything.

She is extraordinarily well travelled both here and abroad and knows what's what when it comes to hotels. Sorry Pauline it costs a fortune to stay anywhere within spitting distance of Windsor Castle, I know how particular you are about cleanliness, might be best if you brought the caravan with you, I'm sure that Uncle Gordon will offer you a generous (tax free) accommodation allowance……..

……."Oh you fancied a holiday in the Forest of Dean anyway? That's great, where are you now Pauline?........

……What?????"

……"Stuck in a traffic jam on the M4"

"Tell me about it, you can't see a Budget Rent a Wreck Galaxy with Derek at the wheel can you?"

"No, but we've just heard on the radio that they are having to surgically remove John Prescott from the Armco barrier, apparently his nylon suit melted onto it due to the heat from his molten Jaguar"

"Thanks for that Pauline, guess that he's only "One Jag" now then!"

"Yes and no pants!"

Mission Impossible? This has turned into Mission Shambles!

It is now 6.30pm. Thirty minutes to go before the deadline - with the emphasis on DEAD - runs out. My options too are rapidly running out. Jane is the only member so far standing by, we rendezvous as arranged in the car park at the bottom of the hill. I take one look at her sleek wheels - no way will we get away with this!

There are just two more agents to call into play, well three if I'm wrong about something important.

Sallysmith1973

I would like to introduce the younger, more recent CIAO members to my covert technical advisor. Please be careful NOT to judge Sally by the car she drives - she is most definitely NOT a footballer's wife and does have more than her fair share of grey cells beneath that tiara you see before you.

What Sally doesn't know about computer systems and technology isn't worth knowing. Not only an IT professional, but not in the least bit geekish with it! Like Derek, Sally is able to break any technical problem down to its' component parts and then explain it to the non-technophobe like myself.

Sally also has a modicum of past military experience too! Yes, she was a Sea Cadet. Multi-talented then, deciding just how best to deploy this highly useful lady's skills is not going to be easy.

The success of this mission was always going to be dependant on intelligence. The FBI leak has been foiling the intelligence of the Allied armed forces, but will allow our Sally to listen in electronically to everything going on.

"Hi Sally, yes it's been a long time, I'm afraid that some of the team have never heard of you. I know that you have been so very busy setting up your new HQ"

"What can I do for you Mr R?"

"This new HQ of yours, it is state of the art is it not?"

"Depends what you mean, but yes all my systems are bang up to date"

Sally manages to hack into the telephone and central computer server at not only Windsor Castle, but Buckingham Palace, Sandringham and Mr Woo's fish and chip shop too. Sally, being Sally, does this with devastatingly effective results……….

……but hold on I still have to introduce you to my last team member(s)

Tallulahbang and BadCompany77

Well how could I select one of these two without the other? Had Belfast been left with only one of them there would surely have been an immediate resumption of The Troubles……

…….it's amazing the trouble that a class full of six year olds can create behind (Fiona AKA tallulahbang) teacher's back. However that's nothing compared to the chaos that SHE could create behind (BadCompany77) Art's back……..only I have a theory………

…….Having now known Fiona for a while, and through her being introduced to Art, I am coming to the conclusion that (shhhhh it's not allowed on Ciao) Fiona is Art's alter-ego, yes they are one of the same person! We know that Art exists, he has a photograph and a review of a Renault Clio to conclusively prove it. Fiona remains the invisible woman, driving a mystery car and refers all enquirers to a certain Jessica Rabbit site…….where you'll find pictures of a rather well endowed young lady working in a Playboy Club, not a school child in sight.

Art has an extremely fertile imagination and tallulahbang is a character too good to be true, he has invented the perfect woman here.

How am I going to deploy them?……..

"Oh Hi Sally, what's going on?"

"Scarface has just had a call from his wife reminding him that his valet has laid out his dinner clothes on the bed and that the Sultan of Brunei is landing by helicopter in thirty minutes"

……"Are you sure Sal? That rather confirms what I have been thinking all along"……..

"Just a minute! Charles is piloting the helicopter………Mr R, I think we've all been involved in an elaborate hoax here"………

"That Devil Dempsey! He's concocted this whole cock and bull story just to get rid of some seasoned members from CIAO!"

"OK Jane, no show here - tell you what, I've a taste for this, seeing as the M4 is still blocked east of Windsor, how about letting the Corvette loose on a blast down to Bath, I've a plan to spring EJ from the cop shop down there!"

"The Police Station? Now you're talking my language RICHADA - Mission ON!"
 

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