Gerbils

.../> ==Housing==

Gerbils are active wee beasties, so a medium-sized cage (with no greater than a 1cm gap between the bars) with a couple of levels, and ladders or similar for them to climb are essential. Large houses consisting of interlocking plastic tubes and rooms can be bought in larger pet shops. These look really cool and I kind of wish my house was built on the same principles, but they can be quite tricky to keep clean and can ...
...similar to their natural habitat, gerbils won't be arsed to burrow and will instead look at the sawdust you've thoughtfully given them with the sorrowful expression of cowboy builders who are only too happy to blame their materials for the utterly lamentable job they've just done on your conservatory. Your gerbil's home should be located somewhere quiet and cool (particularly if you're using an aquarium tank) and out of draughts. It's also best kept ... more

It's been barely any time at all since I last graced your screens with a review, so to churn out another is most unlike me. I am, however, slightly bored at work as one of my kids hasn't turned up. What I should be doing is either completing my mileage forms or making resources for a later date (mileage forms, though, are one of the most yawnsome tasks known to man and I'm really not as good at mental arithmetic as I should be, meaning the form I submitted last month had me travelling 2, 210, 000 miles in 22 days. It's been suggested that I lie low for a while before submitting another mileage form or risk incurring the wrath of a man called Nigel. And, well, it never does to rile accountants, does it? They're vicious beasties when provoked. I could make resources, but I'd only have to bugger about with felt tip pens, Pritt Stick and glitter. And I'd probably have to summon up some enthusiasm, also, which is asking a bit much of a primary school teacher, I think). I could, I suppose, revert to the time honoured skiving device of playing Countdown on my phone but Carol Vorderman is every bit as irksome in the miniature digitalised format as she is on television. Review writing it is, then.

So, gerbils. A bit of a departure from my usual reviews, but what the hell? Just because it's been twenty years since I last owned any doesn't mean I'm not uniquely qualified to write up my experiences in a vaguely entertaining but ultimately useless to the consumer kind of way.

Appearance

They're about the same size as your average fieldmouse and mostly come in the same colour - brown with black trim (there is, no doubt, a breed standard colour descriptor for this. When you start researching breed standards in gerbils, though, you kind of have to bid farewell to normal society and resign yourself to a life of shuffling down the street, singing to yourself and eating out of bins). You can also get Albino ones, which are quite pretty, I suppose, if you have a red and white colour-scheme and need your pet to match that. No doubt there's a range of other colour versions available but I'm concentrating hard on pretending to be doing actual work on the laptop. Visiting www.icarewaytoomuchaboutwhatcoloursgerbilscomein.com might give the game away somewhat. Their tails are about the same length as their body and are covered in short fur. It's not that sparse, stubbly hair that rats have which really freaks some people out, so no need to worry on that account. Quite cute, all in all, if you're a fan of little rodent-type animals. If the very thought of mice scares the bejeesus out of you, though, these really aren't the pet for you as they are broadly similar in appearance.

Housing

Gerbils are active wee beasties, so a medium-sized cage (with no greater than a 1cm gap between the bars) with a couple of levels, and ladders or similar for them to climb are essential. Large houses consisting of interlocking plastic tubes and rooms can be bought in larger pet shops. These look really cool and I kind of wish my house was built on the same principles, but they can be quite tricky to keep clean and can make catching the gerbil difficult. Gerbils can also be kept in empty aquarium tanks which means the bedding can be piled deeper, giving them the opportunity to dig and burrow. That sounds like it'd be all interesting to watch, in the manner of a David Attenborough documentary, but the reality is that unless you're prepared to supply them with a mixture of sand and earth similar to their natural habitat, gerbils won't be arsed to burrow and will instead look at the sawdust you've thoughtfully given them with the sorrowful expression of cowboy builders who are only too happy to blame their materials for the utterly lamentable job they've just done on your conservatory. Your gerbil's home should be located somewhere quiet and cool (particularly if you're using an aquarium tank) and out of draughts. It's also best kept out of the way of Irish mothers with Hoovers as my mine once happened to rest the Hoover hose against the cage while she went off to turn the oven on, which resulted in Alfred Burnt the Cakes the Gerbil getting sucked to and pinioned against the side of the cage until her return. Slightly softer material is necessary for them to make a bed in. It's entirely possible that the gerbils I had had grown used to never having the finer things in life, but they always favoured long strips of newspaper to shop-bought bedding material.

Like all small, caged, animals gerbils will need to be cleaned out regularly. Partly because it'd be cruel not to but mainly because they smell horrendous if you don't. The best way to do this is to catch the gerbil (see the section on handling. Honestly, I'm surprising myself with how thorough I'm being. I hope you appreciate this) and put it in a cardboard travelling box. Put on rubber gloves (unless you actually like the idea of having gerbil wee and poo on your hands. If so, probably best you sit quietly and think about what you've just owned up to) scoop all the old sawdust and bedding material out and bin it. Wash the inside of the cage/tank with a mild soap solution and rinse thoroughly. Wash any toys, food bowls, water bottles etc that have been inside the cage and also rinse thoroughly. When everything's dry put in a fresh layer of sawdust (about 3 inches is ample) give fresh food and water and put your gerbil back in and watch them go a bit nuts as they run around trying to make everything just like it was before you stuck your hand in their house and messed up their cosy domestic arrangements. I always used to like this part, as it's a bit like playing God, if you were a bit of a rubbish god who only had control over gerbils.

*If you are pregnant, asthmatic or prone to eczema, probably best to get someone else to clean the gerbils out for you, as sawdust will aggravate the latter two conditions and the wee and poo probably won't do the first condition any favours.*

Food

Gerbils are pretty cheap to feed and they'll quite happily munch away on a bag of gerbil mix that can be bought in any pet shop. If you really want to spoil your gerbil, though (what an odd notion that is, 'spoiling' a gerbil), give them some fresh chopped up fruit and veg. Pretty much anything goes, and whatever hasn't been scoffed in an hour or so hasn't passed muster. Your little gerbilly friend will need fresh food and water every day. Any food that hasn't been eaten should by the end of the day should be thrown out as it can make the gerbil sick. A small earthenware dish is suitable for food and a bottle that clips on to the cage is best for water.

Exercise

Gerbils are inquisitive and high-energy, so you need to provide them with plenty to do or they'll go quietly insane, turn evil and start plotting to take over the world. The best bet here is to buy either a free-standing exercise wheel or one that clips to the inside of the gage. Solid plastic ones, rather than wire, are best as there is a risk of the gerbil trapping a paw inside the wire ones and somersaulting haplessly through the air sans foot to land in a bloody heap on the far side of the cage (that sounds horrendous, but if it happened in gymnastics it'd certainly make the Olympics more watchable). A range of toys and plastic tunnels can be bought from pet shops for the gerbils to explore, but old u-bend pipes are a cheaper (if slightly pikey option) alternative; they just need to be thoroughly washed and doused in sterilising fluid before being given to the gerbils.

Little clear plastic exercise balls are also available which allow the gerbil to run over greater distances outside their cage/tank (that's the theory, anyway. What actually happens is that they run for about half a metre and then spend twenty minutes smacking repeatedly into the same chair leg, which is oddly amusing in its own way). These should have small air vents and slot together snugly enough to withstand minor impacts; if not they may spring open and allow the gerbil to escape into the wide blue yonder of your home. Unsurprisingly, this happened to us. As a family, we weren't the most particular about hoovering so Ethelred the Unready the Gerbil survived quite happily off crumbs for a week or so until I caught him. By that stage, though, he had gone pretty much completely feral and was in the process of building a log cabin compound underneath the fridge, stocking up on ammunition and fresh water and wearing t-shirts proclaiming 'Live Free or Die!' (alright, I made that last bit up. You could tell that's what it would have been doing if it had opposable thumbs, though)

Healthcare

If you get your gerbil from a good pet shop they should live for 2 to 3 years. Get them from somewhere where they are bred intensively and life expectancy could be considerably shorter. Basically, they live exactly the right length of time for your child to become really, really attached to them and then they die, to be found cold and frozen in position the next morning by a previously happy and anguish-free eight year old who will always remember this as their first introduction to the harsh and unforgiving master that is death (unless they've had a grandparent die, or something. In that case, that'll probably be the bigger trauma).

In evolutionary terms, gerbils really didn't get lucky. They're exactly the right size for most larger predatory animals to regard them as a tasty hors d'oeuvre and their method of defence when frightened is to drum their feet repeatedly and then freeze exactly where they were when the thing that scared them spotted them, making them the takeaway option of the prey world. For the ones that are pets, though, the greater concern is that their teeth never stop growing; a bit like that buck-toothed kid that everyone remembers from primary school, if that buck-toothed kid were on a diet of pure calcium and steroids. Anyway, if left unchecked gerbils' teeth will eventually grow so long that they cut into their lower jaw and prevent them from eating and drinking. Therefore, they need material to gnaw upon. Cardboard toilet roll and kitchen roll tubes are ideal as are balsa wood shapes that can be bought in pet shops. Beyond this, there are a number of ailments that can affect gerbils, but most are caused by poor cage hygiene, inappropriate diet or allowing the animal to become too hot or too cold. Most small animal vets will be happy to see your animal if it becomes sick and will prescribe medication, but, realistically, anything of a more serious nature is going to result in it being put down. Gerbils are so weeny that surgery is impractical as well as faintly laughable. Be wary if your vet does offer to operate as I once worked for a vet who would do just that, take the money for the operation and then drown the animal and claim the operation had just been too much for the animal's system to take.

Handling

As a rule, gerbils are less aggressive than hamsters and generally will not nip unless frightened or unaccustomed to being handled. When you first get your young gerbil it's a sound idea to let them become used to your hand as this will make it much easier to handle them and catch them. It is much, much harder to get them comfortable with being handled when they are fully mature (after 10 weeks). Initially, place your hand in the cage for 5 or so minutes at a time and allow the gerbils to scamper over you. To catch them either close cupped hands around them and lift them, or gently but firmly grasp the base of their tail between forefinger and thumb and place them either in your hand or in a carrying box. Always catch them by the base of the tail, rather than the tip as this can cause the gerbil injury and/or allow them to turn and bite. Once in your hand they can be stroked gently (with younger children it's best to supervise this closely, unless you're training up a latter day Lennie). As the gerbils become more familiar with being caught and handled you can allow them to scamper across your arms and shoulders, always making sure they can't fall or escape.

Behaviour

They're never going to be as interesting as cats or dogs, but gerbils are quite engaging, in their own way. They are diurnal, unlike hamsters and so can be kept in a child's bedroom. They are bright, lively and curious and do eventually come to recognise their owners.

As Harry Nilsson once sang, one is indeed the loneliest number and gerbils kept on their own will be miserable. Generally, they're quite happy in same sex groups and will play, chase each other and sleep cuddled up in a big heap. A larger colony will be more interesting to watch, as long as common sense prevails: a few to a medium sized cage is plenty. Try to cram twenty in there and you'll end up with the rodent version of Rumble in the Jungle), Occasionally two individuals will take an instant dislike to each other and fight in which case they have to be separated as it is unlikely they will ever get on.

Males and females can be kept together but be aware that they will breed prolifically and have the morals of a Tennessee resident when it comes to abstaining from carnal knowledge of their own family members.

If you do decide to breed gerbils it is wise to keep a very close eye on them and remove the babies as soon as they are weaned (at about 5 or 6 weeks). The first gerbil I ever bred (Rufus the Red the Gerbil. Yes, technically it's a male name but I had a theme going) had latent psychotic tendencies anyway, but motherhood seemed to accelerate them resulting in me coming home from school one day to find a suspiciously empty cage, a pile of bloody skeletons and a very fat mommy gerbil slumped in the corner, rubbing her tummy and belching. This was a bit of an aberration, though, and as long as the mother has plenty of room in her cage and you aren't handling the babies too often infanticide should be reasonably rare.

My brother also had gerbils, which he elected to keep in an aquarium tank covered with a sheet of plastic with holes drilled in it for ventilation. History does not record whether it was the thought of sharing a room with my brother, or an inherent tendency to depression that tipped them over the edge, but his ones possessed a dogged determination to end it all not seen since Sylvia Plath. To that end they began to launch themselves repeatedly, head first, at the aquarium cover, resulting in a long-lasting series of dull thuds until eventually their suicide bids succeeded. One slightly smaller gerbil couldn't quite jump high enough to wallop the cover and was found a day or so after her compadres had departed the mortal coil, slumped in her water bowl, seemingly having drowned herself. To be honest, I'm not sure whether that little anecdote tells you more about gerbils or my brother. Rest assured, though, that apart from that maverick cannibalistic one mine were all fine and showed no self-destructive tendencies.

Conclusion

Gerbils: mice with good PR.

Good grief, who knew it was possible to write this much about gerbils? Or that I'd manage to reference Harry Nilsson, King Ethelred the Unready and Sylvia Plath while doing it? On this occasion, I think I've surpassed myself. Normal services will resume shortly. Probably.

PS. Ciao has listed the specific criteria as, amusingly, as 'variety of flavours', 'tooth kind' and 'nutritional value'. Gerbils mainly come in gerbil flavour, although I imagine if you cooked them in garlic butter they'd be a lot more tasty. They contain very little sugar, so your dentist probably recommends them. The nutritional value is negligible as they're so tiny, so you'd probably want to stick a few on the barbecue to make sure you get enough meat for a decent meal.

PPS. I was joking. Tsk, honestly… 

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