Youuuuch!….blimey not again. I’m just about fed up with walking round the house at breakfast time with little bits of toilet paper stuck to my face, you feel a bit of a twit answering the door to the postman with bits of bog roll stuck to your ‘boat-race’, to collect a letter. (Sticking bits of paper, to a razor cut stops it bleeding, supposedly).
I must have tried all the blinkin’ wet razors and razor blades on the blooming market but have eventually settled on these as the lesser of all evils, in fact I rather like ‘em.
There are various methods of removing extraneous facialhair available to 21st century homosapien (both men and women) and, such methods include; battery-powered shavers, mains powered shavers, mains-researchable shavers, foil shavers, rotary head savers, safety razors, open razors (cut-throat razors), and disposable razors consisting of anything from one to five, yes five blades… the most effective of all has always been, according to popular opinion and research, then wet shave. I would condone the use of any of the afore mentioned methods, except perhaps the use of the open or ‘cut-throat’ razor, useful only to gangs of roaming ‘Edwardians’ better known as ‘Teddy Boys’, for cutting up rival gangs, and making a proper carve up of some geezer whose been lookin’ at your bird in an unacceptable manner, squire!
The open razor is best left to the afore mentioned ‘Teds’ to knock off their enemies, or in the hands of a capable and trained barber, who knows how to use one, and can shave a foamy balloon at twenty paces, without burstin’ it.
So where do we go from here…? The best method has been denied us (the open razor) by lack of skill, or youthful inexperience, (I knew a guy at college who bought one of those cut-throat jobs to impress the boys and show how tough he was and ended up looking like the ‘Joker’ off ‘Batman’ cut from ear to ear and a permanent smile, I exaggerate slightly- but you get the point) or maybe too many brandies the night before (dee tees), well the next best alternative I have found is the Mach 3, yes the Mach 3, I knew we would get to the point in the end!
I find the cheapest of the cheapest razor blades, the likes of Bic, made by the French so what do you expect? (cheese-eating surrender monkeys) are like shaving with a bread knife, and usually end up looking like I have had an argument with Sweeny Todd – the demon barber of Fleet Street. He was a barber who killed his clients for cash while his accomplice used their meat for her pies.
"Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd His skin was pale and his eye was odd He shaved the faces of gentlemen Who never thereafter were heard of again He trod a path that few have trod Did Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street."
I wouldn’t use Bic razors to peel garlic never mind my face. I think the French must have invented Bic razors and shipped them over here, to get back at us for the battle of Waterloo, another ‘close shave’. (“A damm close-shave”, - the Duke of Wellington). I think the French must have been shaving with Bic razors that day, as they obviously weren’t in the mood for a fight, with all those tiny bits of toilet paper stuck to their faces, or maybe they had been up all night peeling garlic with them, who knows, all I know is we knocked ‘em for six. It’s a pity we can’t do the same to the Aussies down under at the moment, maybe our boys have taken a supply of Bics, with them, because they don’t seem to be in much of a fighting mood either, I thought I saw Flintoff with a tiny little bit of toilet paper stuck to his face on the highlights programme (I can’t afford Sky)…..Hmmmnnn……
Maybe that’s what Napoleon meant when he said that “England was a nation of shopkeepers”, he knew in his mind that in the centuries to come he, and the nation of France would have their evil revenge by exporting the deadly and horrifying Bic razor, to smite the male population, with disfigurement and mutilation. Even then on the battle fields of Belgium he planned and sought his satanic revenge, on the mighty empire, that was once England’s,
before dying from exposure to poisonous (arsenic) wallpaper (what a way to go). I wouldn’t be surprised as short people are often embittered and vengeful, whether they have had a decent shave that day or not, and loosing the battle of waterloo would have made him that bit more testy.
I first saw Mach 3 advertised on TV with the fighter pilot/plane sort of image and thought coo…! Cool…! I’ll have all the birds chasing me if I get some of those, the ‘Top Gun’ type of image, you know the kind of thing, and it looked as though they might go at the speed of sound, so that would save me time first thing in a morning so I’ll give ‘em a bash. When I got them out of the packet I realised that they did not go at the speed of sound, and in fact not much faster than my regular razor, so I was very disappointed at first and considered suing for misrepresentation, but then realised how stupid I would look in the dock, particularly if I had little bits of toilet paper stuck to my face and decided to drop the lawsuit, and be sensible about it, did I really expect the damn thing to fly around the bathroom at three times the speed of sound, Mach 1 being the speed of sound I think…well maybe.
If you fancy yourself as a ‘Top gun’ but can’t afford a fighter plane, or are just crap, and a bit of a wimp, get some of these and it may do something to pacify/boost your ego. I don’t know, if Tom Cruise, (Top Gun) uses these but he does have a face like a babies bum, well somebody’s bum anyway, so maybe he does, however I lost the faith with Tom when he came out in that dreadful ‘Jerry Maguire’ movie where he played some horrible Irish leprechaun of a man, with bits of toilet paper stuck to his face, and begun to suspect he was more ‘Top of the Morning’ than ‘Top Gun’ after all, and when he got squirted with a water pistol outside the London Premier of ‘War of the Worlds’, and had four people arrested, he lost me all together, why didn’t you take advantage of the situation, get your Mach 3 out and have a quick shave Tom ? Maybe they were trying to shoot bits of toilet paper off his face.
If you go to your local Tesco or drugstore and try to buy these you will probably find that they have been replaced on the shelves, with a small cardboard slip, which you can exchange at the tills for your blades, this is because they are so expensive they have become a viable shoplifting option for thieving little toe rags, and because they are so fiercely sharp they must be stored behind the counter, for modern health and safety reasons, and because sometimes because they take off and fly around the store at three times the speed of sound.
Mach 3 or should that be Macho 3, or Machismo 3, have a very macho image which would appeal to the square jawed hunks amongst us (not guilty), but I would venture to suggest that they are also suitable for the more fragile and sensitive chap and those with sensitive skin (guilty to that one) because they give a very fine shave, and because of the high quality of the blades, do not tear at the lilly-white skin of teenagers, which is a sad irony because they are the type of consumer who would be able to afford them, unless they steal them of course, but then as I have already mentioned they are usually kept caged and behind bars because of the sharpness of their blades and predilection to reach take off speeds in excess of 761 mph. If you are a poor teenager with a rich father then try and persuade him to get you some for Christmas, or the only thing you may end up kissing under the mistletoe this year could be you grandma, if you insist on buying those grotty Bic razors from the frogs, and treating yourself to some untimely, self inflicted cosmetic surgery. Your girlfriend won’t fancy snogging little bits of toilet paper off you face, even if you do look like Tom Cruise.
I believe women have also been known to steal these from their boyfriends/partners wash bag, for various purposes, due to the soft and silky nature of the shave, so if you see yours lying on the bathroom shelf guys, and it’s got little curlyhairs stuck in it, have a word with the ‘trouble and strife’, because it could be going on adventures to uncharted territory without you realising it, and drastically shortening it’s life, though they say quality is better than quantity. If you want to benefit from these ladies, please buy your own. I’m not having my precious Mach 3 going anywhere near a bikini line thank you very much.
The Venus series of female razors are based on their Mach3 counterparts. The Venus is based on the Mach3, the Venus Divine based on the Mach3 Turbo and the Venus Vibrance is based on the M3Power. The Venus models feature different grip shapes and lengths than their Mach3 counterparts design to assist with the differing angle and reach needs of women shavers. SO GET YOUR OWN !
THE MACH 3 FAMILLY
The Gillette Mach3 is a line of safety razors produced by Gillette and introduced in 1998. It was the first three-bladed razor. The three blade design is marketed by Gillette as allowing for a shave with less pressure to the skin and with fewer strokes, thereby reducing skin irritation. While many customers do experience greater comfort with the three-bladed models, some individuals, depending upon skin and beard type, have experienced increased irritation or razor burn as the number of blades has increased.
Gillette MACH3 disposable razors are one of the most popular choices in the world for hair removal. The MACH3 family includes a variety of razors and razor blade replacements designed to make shaving easier, faster, smoother, and closer. Gillette uses a variety of their own technologies, and the new MACH3 products combine these innovations with high-quality materials.
The original MACH3 razor was a huge hit, but within a year of its release, Gillette was working on the Turbo, which adds multiple features for an even more versatile package. The MACH3 Turbo has 10 microfins (little flaps that precede the blades to smooth the skin and lift hairs) along the bottom of the razor, where the original had only five. It also incorporates a more ergonomically designed handle, friction-free blades, and a razor cartridge designed for easy rinsing.
The MACH3 Power incorporates a small battery that sends power to the blades, creating micro pulses. Facial hair can grow in multiple directions at once, and these micro pulses can catch it without requiring you to change your angle or stroke. This makes it possible to shave faster, and you don't have to go over the same area as many times, thus minimizing irritation. The MACH3 Power also uses PowerGlide blades, which were created with a smoother blade surface that results in an easier gliding shave.
Razor blade replacements are easy to make with Gillette razors. MACH3 razors all use the same sized blades, so you can upgrade your old MACH3 to the Turbo or the Power blades. This saves you money and also lets you try all of the options to find out which is best and most comfortable for you.
THE BLADES
“Triple-blade shave means less irritation”. There are three blades mounted in succession, the first ‘cuts you close’, the second ‘closer still’, and the third…well the mind boggles! Can there be anything left by this point. Hey!, if the first two are so good, why a third? But I digress and am being pernickety at this point, as I have had nothing but success and relief from facial torture, since I started buying them.
“Patented DLC comfort edges” – makes for a more comfortable shave and helps to avoid razor burn, urrrrgh…! I hate that, that’s where the term ‘rednecks’ comes from I think, young inexperienced men (who have just started shaving).
“Open cartridge architecture for easy rinsing”- this prolongs the life of the razor, and clears all the gunk out, which in turn prevents infection when you come o use the razor again, as your skin is very prone to infection during shaving, because you are also taking a very fine layer of skin off (exfoliating) at the same time. Do not be tempted to clean your mach 3 with a toothbrush as I used to do as this will blunt the blades and render them useless, and also trim your toothbrush, imperceptibly at first, but you will eventually end up with a toothpick, rather than a toothbrush.
“Blue lubricating strip”- fades when time to replace, this is handy but I usually use mine until they start to resemble the Bic, I so despise and decide when it is time to get another.
The razor usually comes complete with a few blades but after that you can buy packs of 4 or 8 Gillette Mach3 refill cartridges. I have seen these advertised on Amazon for £2.40 for an 8 pack, which is extremely cheap as they normally retail at about £7.99, in the shops.
For the executives amongst you, and you like your Mach 3 shave but would like it in a posher handle may I make you aware of the ‘Rooney Faux Ivory Mach3 Razor’ a ridiculously overpriced razor handle, for mummy’s
Pictures of Gillette Mach 3 Razor
The bog roll king
little executive who has everything.Rooney presents its fine quality made mach3 razor in faux (fake) ivory finish to complement its range of shaving brushes. Rooney Brush makers have been offering high quality niche shaving products to the discerning gentleman both in the UK and overseas for 200 years, so they claim, and prior to that for a century or more in Galway, Ireland. I don’t know what they were using for razor blades in Irelandthree hundred years ago but they can’t have been much better than Bic razors, maybe they went around with little bits of bog on their faces after a particularly bad shave as opposed to bog paper, the little bog-trotting rascals. Who knows, but it is a startling fact that the Mach 3 has become such an iconic razor that there are companies making custom handles for it, such is the nature of its success. Length of handle: 8cm, cost £51.00.
GETTING THE BEST FROM YOU MACH 3
Telling other people how to shave is a bit like telling your grandmother how to suck eggs, everyone has there own preferences and, no man likes to be emasculated by being told how to do it. Most people learn by watching an older relative shave, not usually your grandmother though, and stick to the family tradition. Questioning people’s family traditions can cause malcontent, ill feeling, and eventually lead to fights breaking out, not quite the thing if you have a razor in your hand, particularly if you are a ‘Teddy Boy’, unless of course it is a Bic. You can always tell when ‘Teddy Boys’ have been fighting with Bic razors, because they all have little bits of toilet paper stuck to their faces. However there are some truths about shaving, which are universal.
The best razors in history are today's three blades disposable Mach 3, in my opinion; when it doesn't feel good any more toss it out. On the moisture issue: if you go to a professional barber, they tend to use very hot steam towels to soften the whiskers but the best way for the average Joe soap to accomplish at home this is a hot shower. Shaving creams and gels really only lubricate the skin and hold that moisture in so a bar of soap, and shaving brush are as good as it gets. Personally I buy shaving gel from the poundshop.
Then come the questions of how close does it need to be and which direction to shave. Unless you have a very dark beard don't worry too much about getting your neck to feel like (or look like) a baby's botty--you'll only hurt yourself. Yes, shaving against the grain gets it close but why bleed for it? For the chin that you don't want to scratch your favorite lady's tender face try going straight across, in both directions. On the rest of the job the best motion is slightly diagonal. This slices off the whiskers rather than trying to 'chop' them off.
Five o’clock shadow or babies bum? The choice is yours ladies (I would be interested to know, which is most popular) do you like your man to have that babies botty smooth chinny, chin, chin, or do you like to snuggle up to a bit of rough of an evening, after all there is nothing like snogging a bit of sandpaper is there?
I have a theory that women who prefer, the babies bum feel/look on a man are harbouring secret maternal instincts, and are using their man as a baby substitute, and women who like a bit of rough, are wanting a dominant male role model. I know I am slipping into Freud, but everything is relative, and us chaps need to consider all these things when you are picking up our Mach 3 in a morning.
For those of you who insist on removing what god has given you every morning, there are a few points you need to bear in kind;
1) WET or at least moisten your face before applying shave cream. I have found that this does wonders for a smooth, clean shave as opposed to using just straight cream or gel on a dry face.
2) Do not shave AGAINST the grain. Shave WITH the grain, or in the direction the hair is already growing. This may seem slightly counterintuitive, but it helps enormously in cutting down on nics, bumps, scratches and the like, and the amount of toilet paper patches you will need to stick to your face.
3) Do not shave too CLOSE. This is another good way to increase your chances of getting nics or cuts. Besides the point, it is utterly pointless practice to do. Your hair is always going to grow back anyway. Give yourself a break, and do not concern yourself with "scraping the meat off the bone." That extra little micrometer left behind will most likely not be felt by your girlfriend, much less seen. .
4) Shave it every day. When the beard is short the razor slices easily through the face, this way without get nicked up.
5) Use warm water. Warm water opens face pores and makes the operation more comfortable.
6) Use razors in good condition Damaged razors increase the chances of getting nicked up and cuts.
7) One pass completes the job. One pass should do it with a Mach 3, as it has so many blades. Don’t go scraping away again and again over the same patch, it just cuts your skin up.
8) After shaving, use hydrating cream. Or moisturiser, actually I never bother, partly because I am tough, partly because I can’t afford it, because I’ve spent all my money on blooming expensive razors, and partly because I still have little bits of bog roll stuck to my face all the way to the bus stop.
9) Use one razor for a week/2weeks. After that you are asking for trouble.
10) Shave with the grain. It seems to solve all of my problems.
11) Never use a mirror; you will do better if you use your free hand to find the spots you missed. I always shave in the bath, because it gives me more time, and I am less likely to cut or nic myself, also you can plunge your head under the water afterwards, and it soothes the skin and helps prevent razor burn. I don’t have a shaving mirror, so I learned to shave by touch, and it soon becomes easy, easier than you would think.
12) Alternatively shave in the shower. No more complaints about a dirty sink and the hot water makes your stubble stand up. NB, do not use Bic razors in the shower or the scene will soon resemble the opening scene of ‘Psycho’, were Norman Bates slashes his mother to death, with the bread knife.- or maybe it WAS a Bic razor, Hmmmmnn…
13) If you have sensitive skin, do not use Foam or Cream, it will dry your skin out and give no end of skin problems. Foam contains alcohol, which has the tendency to draw out moisture and natural oils from the skin.
14) Change your Mach 3 blades regularly, nothing's more cheap than using that free Bic razor that came through the letterbox six months ago, that you have been saving for a rainy day. Razors only stay sharp for about a week/2 weeks dependant on use, no matter how many blades there are.
15) Don't use hot water to rinse off your blades when you are shaving. Heat makes metal expand and warp. Use Cold water and your blades will contract a bit making the blade tighter and sharper.
16) Water down your shaving cream, if you are using a brush and soap, or apply the gel sparingly. A slick face is easer to cut. Also wet your face before you lather.
17) Shave in or after your shower. Your face is easier to shave when your stubble is softened by soap, hot water and residual shampoo and conditioner.
18) NEVER, NEVER....I MEAN NEVER LET YOUR WOMAN SHAVE YOUR FACE! You will miss that nose long after she's gone. It may sound romantic but those of you who need a lesson in reality, catch "The Color Purple" with Whoopie Goldburg. The cold steel in her hand as Danny Glover sits down for his morning shave.
The phrase “not tonight Josephine” takes on a whole new meaning, maybe Napoleon had other things on his mind when he rebuffed the advances of his lil’ lady the night before the battle. Perhaps she wanted to take off more than his tight-arse French breeches; maybe she wanted to give him a close shave, a bit too close for comfort. It could have been that Samson and Delilah moment where he lost all his strength in a moment of foamy madness.
If you don’t want too much of a close shave, like Napoleon, or risk ending up in one of Sweeny Todd’s meat pies, and you can’t afford an electric shaver, and don’t want people thinking you are a ‘redneck’, ‘blue belly’ or greenhorn, then these Mach 3 beauties will do the job and no error. They’ll have your face like a babies bum, in no time and that lil’ girl of yours will be slobbering all over you Christmas New Year and beyond, till next bloomin’ Christmas!
For someone who’s hair is gravitating from the top of ones head to the bottom, i.e. chin, I am in two minds as to whether continue shaving, or grab all the hair one can hang on to. Saving the fact that I don’t trust men with beards, I think they generally tend to have something to hide, or have some strange sexual deviation, or are just plain lazy, or maybe they just can’t afford a Mach 3 like me, or perhaps they have had a lifetimes bad experience with Bic razors, and are trying to hide some little bits of toilet paper stuck to their faces that they could never quite remove. Either way the only man I only like with a beard is Santa of course, and I hope he brings me some Mach 3 in my stocking this year, or I will end up having to buy Bics from the cheese monkeys and have to buy an extra bog roll.
Actually, ‘our kid’ is going to buy me an electric shaver for Xmas, though he doesn’t know it yet, failing that I am going to grow a beard!
Average price Mach 3 razor, between £5-£6, with a couple of cartridges Replacement blades £7-£8 for 8
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Dec 10th, 2006
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