Hell's Kitchen > Reviews (7)

Reality TV. You either love it or hate it and sadly I fall into the former category and avidly watch most programmes that are forced on the unsuspecting public. With the exception of the dire Big Brother last year I can’t get enough of them, but particularly enjoy them when celebrities are invited to appear as they invariably make a total ass of themselves.

Cue the arrival of something ‘new’. Gordon Ramsey, egotistical Michelin star chef extraordinaire, agreed to take part in a series aptly entitled ‘Hells Kitchen’. Gordon is a chef to the stars and runs a string of restaurants serving posh nosh. He is not only famous for his cooking but his vile temper, opinionated outlook and his rudeness to his staff. Pity his poor wife stuck at home with their four children. She freely admits that Gordon has not been involved with the upbringing of the children as his whole life revolves around his work, and he doesn’t even blush when he says that he has never changed a nappy. So what on earth made this egotistical twerp decide to appear in a series set in a restaurant specially built for the occasion, where he kindly agreed to train ten ‘celebrities’ to become chefs? Gordon could hardly be described as a patient man, nor a particularly friendly or sympathetic one so it was with a sense of excitement that I watched the first programme when it aired a few weeks ago.

Hell’s Kitchen follows the same theme as many other reality TV programmes featuring what the programme makers bills as ‘celebrities’. Gordon tries to teach all of the celebrities how to cook, no mean feat as some don’t even have a clue how to make an omelette and by the end of the two week slot they must be able to serve a restaurant full with 74 people. Each evening the restaurant is packed with people from the world of film and television and our kitchen of budding cooks have to prepare meals that are edible. They are divided into two teams, red and blue, and the guests in the restaurant are given the choice of two menus, so dependant upon which menu is ordered from, one team may be rushed off their feet and the other doing bugger all. Oh and they do get help. The red team is overseen by Mark Sargeant who is the Head Chef at Claridges, and has already had more than one run in with Amanda Barrie, and the blue team is lead by Angela Hartnett, who is Head Chef at the Connaught and has the most irritating whiny voice I’ve ever had inflicted on my eardrums as well as being a complete bitch once the restaurant is open yet she is an angel during the day. Their days are long. They begin work at 8.30am in the morning and never finish before midnight, with only an hours break in the afternoon. Gordon for the most part during the day is calm and even quite pleasant at times, but as soon as the restaurant doors open he turns into the devil incarnate and screams and shouts at his staff, often reducing them to tears. Not even the famous patrons are speared his wrath. Poor Lynda Bellingham had the misfortune to slip on the floor as she went to speak to him and he called her stupid and threatened to call security.

Nice chap. Compulsive viewing yes, although I can’t help wondering why one of the trainees or indeed the guests didn’t punch his lights out during the first week. On the other hand, I can’t believe that most of the ten grown adults haven’t the faintest clue about cooking of any description so a little part of me finds it quite amusing when Gordon’s going off on one and the look on his face at times is priceless. At the end of the first week viewers were able to vote one celebrity off and then another and so forth until the merry band formed one team for the final week. Most of the ‘celebrities’ taking part in the programme are old has beens, desperately trying to resurrect their ailing careers and there are even a couple I’ve never heard of. So let’s go through the list and see if they cut the mustard.

James Dreyfus – star of ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’ poor old James was a bit of a wet weekend to start with but really came into his own during the second week. The first programme saw him burning an omelette so badly that it resembled a Frisbee. The first week proved that James could not work under pressure and hadn’t the faintest idea about coking full stop and Gordon seemed to take great delight in reducing James to a blubbering wreck, a feat that is quite easy to achieve, and he spent a good deal of the time having a hissy fit and threatening to leave. The second week saw James came undergoing a personality change and he was fabulous right to the end. He was left to take over from Gordon one evening and proved his worth, running the kitchen like a military operation and even receiving a pat on the back fro Gordon for his troubles. He had a dig at Edwina Currie on every possible occasion and has proved that he is a very funny chap as well as doing a complete turnaround on the cooking stakes and he ended up in the final three.

Matt Goss – Matt was once part of the teeny pop band Bros in the Eighties. Age hasn’t been kind to our Matt and he’s now a bloated old fart who doesn’t really contribute much to the programme in terms of excitement apart from showing his boring videos to the other trainees in their break and going on and ON about how many records he’s sold . Although he professes to being a bit of a Jamie Oliver in the kitchen he didn’t provide much evidence of it and instead plodded along trying his best while struggling with his emotion that threatened to blubber over on many occasions. One evening the first week saw Matt close to tears as he was trying to jolly James Dreyfus along after another whipping from Gordon. He also jumped to the defence of Dwain after the wimpo decide he couldn’t hack it any more and left but as the series progressed Matt was one of the mainstays and remained calm under pressure although he’s never in the forefront of the action apart from when he told his Mum he loved her a thousand times while she was dining in the restaurant.

Al Murray – supposedly a stand up comedian but I can’t say I’ve ever heard of him. Al is a jolly sort of chap and his big round race looks perfectly at home in a kitchen preparing food.

Another plodder but Al gets the job done and I did warm to him over the series especially when he leaped to the defence of Abi when Gordon told her she was bloody thick and to f**k right off. Tee hee. Unfortunately Al got the boot before Edwina (eeek) as he got a bit too big for his boots and started to boss everyone around. Just because he could make a fish pie. Can’t everyone?

Abi Titmuss – the only things Abi is famous for is her rather strange decision to have lived with John Leslie for a couple of years and the fact that when their drug induced three in a bed romps were made public, she then went on to present a programme on a porn TV station. Abi however is the celebrity that was quite at home in the kitchen and has at least some idea of cooking. At the start she was Gordon’s pet but that could possibly be because he’s a dirty old letch. She coped relatively well under pressure and can at least cook which is more than can be said for the rest of them although Gordon flipped out at her a couple of times and she was too frightened to answer back. She took some criticism from the other participants because of it leaving her thinking that maybe she needed to rethink her strategies although she never did. A bit of an arse lick but thankfully she got voted off on the second week which was a bit of a relief for us but I did feel sorry for her as she was up against Edwina Currie and that silly cow got to stay!

Belinda Carlisle – used to sing with the GoGos before branching out on her own. Age hasn’t been kind to Belinda and her chubby little face was more often than not bright red and crumpled as she burst into tears after Gordon has rampaged through the kitchen. Amazingly enough she appeared in Playboy magazine a couple of years ago too. Dear oh dear. Although Belinda professes to adore cooking, she didn’t cope very well and was voted off by the viewers which was no great loss to the kitchen.

Edwina Currie – or Mrs Salmonella. Who can forget Edwina for her scaremongering during the egg debacle some years ago. She has recently admitted to an affair with John Major for which he receives my utmost sympathies but gave the programme her all and is determined to be back in the spotlight. To give Edwina her due she does have a bit of brain when it comes to producing culinary fayre and at first she coped with whatever was thrown at her, although she is married to a chef so has probably had lots of practice in return for sexual favours. As the series progressed Edwina developed a bit of a psychotic personality and her cooking skills went out of the window as she answered Gordon back on a regular basis even calling him a “stupid little man” on one occasion. She was not popular with the others and she was eventually voted off but not until the end which got a little scary.

Tommy Vance – A DJ and he presented the Rock Show for an amazing fifteen years. Tommy was seconded to the team after Roger Cook injured his leg on the first night – this had nothing to do with the fact that he had eaten half the ingredients so Gordon decided to rig a chair to break when he sat on it.

However, he decided enough was enough and threw the towel in after two days casting a few sly digs at Gordon as he left. These old rockers aren’t up to much are they?

Dwain – Tsk. Dwain is a naughty athlete who recently tested positive for drugs. Dwain admits to having no cooking skills at all but he does try and he was making some progress, although very slowly and was developing a bit of a panache with the desserts. A quiet chappy, Dwain took everything in when there was pandemonium in the kitchen and I really thought he might make the grade but Wednesday of the first week saw him throwing a wobbly, bursting into tears and saying his goodbyes after admitting that he had never worked in his life and was finding it too tough. Welcome to the real world Dwain. Gordon, for what its worth let the others have a half an hour break to get over the traumatic experience.

Amanda Barrie – another dead soap star, Amanda was last seen when Alma was killed off in Corrie but then resurfaced in Bad Girls, and for me she made the series of Hell’s Kitchen. Remember Vanessa Feltz in ‘Celebrity Big Brother’? Amanda is her sister I swear. Her attempt at cooking an omelette in the opening episode was dire and it turned out a sloppy mess. Unfortunately didn’t progress much and was seen trying to serve an uncooked raspberry soufflé that had just a layer of purple gunk in the middle. Amanda hasn’t the foggiest idea of anything culinary and spends her life muttering to herself or screaming at Gordon or one of his assistants. She looks like a demented Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining’ and her wild staring eyes flash angrily at anyone who dares to question her motives in the kitchen whilst waving knives or any other sharp implements that are close by inches away from their face. It was only a matter of time before she blew and she did it in sensational style too when she hit Gordon after he pissed her off. Absolutely hilarious viewing and she decided to leave the following day to the pleasure of the staff, but not us viewers a she was like a ticking time bomb.

And finally……………..the winner of the show

Jennifer Ellison – last seen dying in ‘Brookside’, our Jen got into a flap on a regular basis t the beginning of the series. The highlight of her stay was when Gordon told each celebrity to kill a lobster and she screeched and squawked before plunging the knife into poor old Mr. Crustacean. She came into her own though and worked really hard in the kitchen although she loved a good bitch, can’t bear Edwina Currie and loved to let everyone know it. I really thought Jennifer would leave during the first week but she excelled herself and was eventually crowned the winner of the show. Not bad for a girl who professed to only cooking fish fingers and chips at home!

The show was presented by the ridiculously dry Angus Deayton who tries (and fails mostly) to interview Gordon when Hell’s Kitchen is broadcast live in the evening. The funniest part of the show for me though is when famous people sit and wait………….

and wait for their food. On the first night 38 people left without being served, as Gordon is such a perfectionist that hardly anything his trainees produce is ever good enough. Tuesday evening of the first week saw Anthony Worrall Thompson sitting in the restaurant waiting for hours for a starter that never arrived. Eventually he went into the kitchen and told Gordon that he was leaving as he couldn’t wait any longer. Ha! It was brilliant and evident that there is no love lost between the two chefs at all. I can’t help thinking that Anthony W-T left with a smug smile on his face, rubbing his hands together and whispering manically “What an idiot, this is ever going to work for him, he’s just going to fall flat on his face”. Anthony did speak to Angus and said that he felt Gordon had set himself an impossible challenge, hampered even more by the overly ambitious menus. Hmm, he has a point, although anyone can cook risotto can’t they? Mind you, the risotto that our celebs prepared did look like a plate of dogs sick. To give Anthony his due though, he came back the second week and although he was with a bunch of food critics who were interminable bores, he did praise the cooking skills of the celebs.

I thoroughly enjoyed the programme and loved the fireworks that erupted in the kitchen each night. It was hilarious to see Gordon effing and blinding at the sheer inadequacy and stupidity of his protégés as well as anyone who dared to criticise his cooking (critics take note). He is ruder than rude and has a face like a turkey cock when he’s cross but oh so funny to watch. He whirls through the kitchen like a man on a mission leaving a trail of hysteria in his wake until most of the trainees either threaten to walk out, kill themselves or punch his lights out. To give Gordon his due though at the end of each session he had a drink with all the participants, mulled over the day’s events and told them their good points. The second week was a different kettle of fish though, with Gordon really proving that he was human and he even had a damn good laugh with the celebs most evenings.

Hell’s Kitchen ran on ITV from 9-10pm every evening for a fortnight and on ITV2 at 10pm (although that part was hosted by Jordan and Mark Durden-Smith so I declined to watch that one much as they can’t present a darts match without help).

Overall Hell's Kitchen was a blast. There were laughs, tears, victories and failures all the way through, peppered with fighting, screaming, laughter and tears. A reality programme? It would have made a good soap opera and I for one hope they do a second series. Fabulous!