How will you vote in the forthcoming General Election, and why?

Time Magazine did a frivolous but intriguing article a few years back that examined the disproportionate number of high ranking politicians and presidents of the world who's Christian names all seemed to began with early letters in the alphabet, the theory being these guys were picked from lists on looks and blandness (they would do what they are told) over talent and ideology (they would have their own mind) early on in their careers and fast-tracked that way, start on A and as soon as a good looking/ personable guy pops up that's your party leader! Clegg, Cameron and Blair seemed to back that up.

The last six US Presidents-when the article was written-were Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, and Ford. Barak Obama's real name is Michael Dunham. We had Azanar of Spain and Berlusconi of Italy, Chirac in France and Balkenende of Holland. If you apply this to all the current world leaders, of course, it's a real A-Z and complete tosh, military coups not spin doctors selecting most of them. But if you apply it to the vacuous Prime Ministers and Presidents that are the G8 over the years then maybe there's something in it, mouth pieces of big business the only ones welcome because they are the people who fund these plastic politicians and so get who they want. And if you think it only works on vacuous politicians then think again. Try any boy or girl band, again members clearly picked on looks over vocal skills, appealing to the eye before the ear again. We don't want to ear what they have to say but what they look like.

Emma Bunton
Melanie Brown
Victoria Beckham (Adams)
Melanie Chisholm
Gerry Halliwell

You don't have to be too bright to realize Nick Clegg isn't the best man for the job, but he is the best looking and most personable guy on the Liberal list from the first five letters in the alphabet and why he did so well on the TV debate. Women fancy him and he makes men feel emasculated because he is unthreatening....

Now I have got your attention here's my election A-Z....

A is for asylum and immigration

If the volcano continues to rumble away asylum seekers will be making fortunes at Dover on teaching stranded holidaymakers on how to get back into England, lorry axels highly recommended! But its not volcano's that are choking the country but illegal immigration, the number one issue on the doorstep, the one that lets people have a good old grumble so to make themselves feel better and blame someone else for their failures, me included. But Polish immigration has caused a problem for Labor as we quite like this particular Eastern Europe because they work hard and don't sign on, go home if there's no work and don't clog up council housing. That hasn't happened for along time with immigration and that allows voters to draw comparison to other ethnic immigrant group's performance here, perhaps ones that should be quietly asked to stop coming now that we have so many Poles doing all the work going. Big business loved them and quickly trampled over the minimum wage by employing these guys on temp contracts with no holiday pay or pension payments, swapping one for each British worker that expected pensions and pay rises. The fact is its jobs like care workers that are the most in demand because we wont do those jobs and so most likely to be drawn from foreign nationals, the Brits not wanting to wipe their backside of their own elderly, even when they are paid, the problem in a nutshell. The lowest classes just wont do those jobs (and you can't blame them) and yet the same social class most likely to be anti immigration, exactly why immigration has to be so high, a tricky paradox for politicians to deal with.

Asylum wise the PM is rightfully trying to discourage the ones that are coming here purely for benefits and housing by having plenty of detention centers waiting for them. By all means accept genuine ones but don't let human rights lawyers clog up the system to let everyone in by crook or foul. Word quickly got out when Blair came into power that you would get housing and food money and so 750,000 headed this way across many borders, and again, can you blame them. Numbers have fallen from certain countries recently as they now know they will now be put in Oakington and Yarlsworth if they declare themselves to the authorities. Before they clearly wanted to be caught so to be put in the system and receive help. Now 30,000 a year are deported and crossing 15 borders has lost its appeal some. Any potential PM will have to say he's going to get tough on this but we clearly need a significant chuck of people to work the black economy as it keeps the country moving. Again even trained nurses refuse to wipe patient's bottoms anymore as we have become that precious as a nation. But what we also know is 80% of these asylum guys are bogus claimants and that's not acceptable by the electorate. I believe there are also quite damaging unemployment figures of those who are finally given the right to work here after they have appealed....a statistic that would sink the whole asylum argument once and for all it got out and so one you will never be told. I do know only 20% of Bangladeshi's of working age are in full time employment here whereas its 75% of Poles. It's a no brainier and our new workforce that is going to make this country strong again are not from South East Asia or Jamaica anymore but Gdansk. Catholicism is about to take over Islam as our net importer once again. The liberals can't have this both ways and have open arms for all asylum seekers yet berate the underclass for not working.

My Manifesto...

For me it's as we are and so keep detaining them and try and weed out the asylum tourists. The bloody French aren't going to help as they wave them all through the tunnel anyway so we have to be tough. You can't have your cake and eat it Brown by scaring British people with the terror threat and then just let anyone sneak in. Ten years ago 1% of the British prison population was classed as Muslim - now its 10% at 8,200 convicts. If asylum seekers want to come just to work illegally then I'm not bothered. They do the jobs we don't want to do and vital for the economy. I have the done the same in my time. But if we are honest the serge in the last decade was mostly to get free housing and a new life, which you can't blame them for, but manageable numbers only please. Iraqis and Afghans that make it here we are responsible for after the stupid wars, fair enough, but why on Earth do we have to tolerate Somalia's? They now run various crime syndicates from the UK, including their pirate operation in the Indian Ocean. The kidnap of the British couple from their sailboat is believed to have been coordinated from Leytonstone?

Benefits-

Family after family is gleefully popping up in the Daily Mail every month in the tabloid proudly displaying the 8 kids they have had on benefits. It starts when they have one in their teens and get a flat and mum told she doesn't have to legally work until the kids seven and so she has another one to make sure its 14 years and so on. She then wants a bigger house on the state and so have two more kids and then the family needs enough money to buy a people carrier and so have two more kids, the economies of scale of benefit payment making that possible. Mum is obese by now and has anxiety issues and so gets extra help through disability allowance and her total state help and dependency is up to 40 grand a year. It's all she knows now and what gives her an erroneous self-worth. Will any of her eight kids go onto be doctors or scientists? Probably not. Will any of her kids go on to commit crime? Probably.

The DWP and tax office has got so used to families growing on the dole under New Labor (a very appropriate name for a political party producing so many useless babies) that they just box- tick their claims for benefits and working-tax credit without checking in most cases, producing yet more stories in the Daily Mail of women claiming to have had 8 kids in 'two years'. These benefits are not about supporting people in poverty but making poverty so they are hooked into benefits and so vote Labor to keep those benefits.

My Manifesto

Any mum that gets pregnant more than once when unemployed or her husband or partner doesn't work will see a benefit reduction not increase. If we put doubt into the next generation of single underclass girls that you can no longer get away with this nonsense then it may actually cut the numbers. What we can't do is increase them. I would send young working-class teen girls on backpacking trips and work experience abroad to taste life and you can bet once they have they wont want to be tied down with babies in grotty English housing estates. Make sex taboo like they do in Holland in their teens and realize that they can't just have babies to secure a house and put food and fags on the table.

C is for Clegg and Cameron...

They are cute but boring, the perfect politicians, or so the spin doctors think. These plastic politicians are designed to be all things to all men and all women and so not to offend. They are cheap double glazing salesmen who pitch to you because it's a job of work and routine rather than passion and ideology. Everything they say is scripted and everything they do is rehearsed. Spin doctors control everything they do because there are no new ideas out there to change the world. Big business runs the show and these are their reps. Obama got in because he was genuinely charismatic and would get the black vote, Clinton 2! The republicans put up McCain because they new they would lose so why waste a good candidate? Clegg is the only one who won't get fired on May 6 as boring dour Brown gets tonked in the polls and Cameron another Tory toff failure. Hell, Clegg cold actually win now! Why not? What the difference?

D-Debates

That anal need to control everything a politician does or say by the spin doctors led to the rather contrived TV debate this week. The rules (76 of them over 600 pages) were so long and plentiful (including no applause by the audiences or their reactions caught on tape) made it feel more like communist Russia than Great Britain, taking 6 months to agree those rules. They are so scared to face the public and their reactions they are surrounded by goons and minders to keep the voter away from them in the streets, all very ironic, the viewers left only to judge them by prepared body language and rhetorical replies. Cleggs karate chop hand gestures are almost hypnotic.

Clegg won because he could attack both leaders whereas Brown was always going to be judged on his record and so had no comeback (why did you not do these things you want to do now in the last 13 years pal, screamed the electorate!), Cameron just trying to look presidential. It was a completely pointless exercise and only agreed to because the MPs felt they owed the electorate over the expenses scandal.

My manifesto...

Strip away the spin doctors and minders and make them deal with the public. It's not a job guys it's about believing what you say. If you make your points strongly and stick by them the media can't do as much damage and may actually get behind you. Don't just change policy on a whim to react to the other guy on the podium. Make us believe in you! Let them have beer and ciggy at the lectern for the next one and let's have a good old pub rant on live TV! That's the politics we understand.

E- Europe

Great Britain are one of only four net contributors to the EU, basically subsidizing the rest of Europe. We then try to get all our money back, the French through the Common Agriculture Policy, the Brits through Margaret Thatcher's rebate. But Blair surrendered that rebate and we have to pay in an extra £3 billion this year and most of that will be spent bailing out Greece, the tax dodging, Ouzo drinking beach bums in serious debt because they know the U.K.'s of the world will always bail them out or the EURO will collapse. The Americans wanted Turkey to join, all 78 million of them, purely for military and future oil pipeline reasons from Afghanistan. I don't think our Job Centers could deal with that many claimants at once. One million Moldavians have also been given the golden Willy Wonka ticket to Britain's streets after the Romania government gave them EU stamps to keep moving though their country and on to Blighty.

My manifesto....

Hit the European Parliament with a baseball bat and start again. Most of the money raised is wasted on silly projects and the greedy lawyers who legislate them and we all know most of the Euro MPs have their fingers in the pot. Go back to basics and make it purely about trade and not law. It's a self perpetuating plutocracy.

F- Fraud during voting

Electronic and postal voting was introduced by the incumbent government in a gallant effort to get more people to vote, not some silly penny pinching measure for once. Electoral role adjudicators and counters are always unpaid. But it turned out that it didn't make more people vote, just made them want to vote more than once on the same name, Mohammed topping that particular list. In fact 90% off all detected election fraud in Britain has been done in Asian boroughs, mostly under New Labor, people voting on religious and culture lines and getting the better of democracy. Now you know why we will never bring democracy to Iraq or Afghanistan!

The Asian voting fraud is not just a cultural power grab, but more subtle than, wanting to get their guy in to the areas that they live to keep their old ways, like local Sharia Law, rather than some white guy who has no idea about their culture and traditions running the show. The big parties quietly go along with it as they want to secure those votes at a local level. The most corrupt electoral areas are the West Midlands, predictable London Boroughs and areas of Manchester and Glasgow. It got so bad with postal fraud it was facing calls for it to be closed down this election. One area of Birmingham with 13,000 registered voters managed to produce 70,000 votes! Because first generation Asians have less English skills people would come to the door and ask the potential voters to either back their candidate there and then or get them to hand over their voting rights.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk​/article4 74439.ece

http://www.parliament.uk/commons/lib/res​earch/not es/snpc-03667.pdf

G is for the 'Greens'

If ever they will get votes its now, and if one volcano can cause so much chaos they may have a point on pollution, and it certainly ground those planes stupid! The Green Party had the unwelcome honor recently of having the least eco friendly headquarters with poor insulation and leaving their lights left on all night. In Germany they get 10% of the vote so they could poll well in some affluent areas here. Unfortunately organic food sales have collapsed in recession and so they too may just be another fad.

H is for Hope

As I say there is only one system and that is capitalism. Goldman Sachs, America's most successful bank, is now being accused of fraud, cracking open the wounds once again. They were allegedly bundling up those dodgy mortgage securities and selling them to other banks and saying they would go up in value, yet knew they wouldn't and were a pile of crap, and at the same time telling their partner hedge fund group exactly the latter and bet the price of them dropping, which they did, catastrophically so. The point here is ALL the banks are probably doing this and so the system is so corrupt to the core that it's no longer seen as corrupt by the system. Sadly this is the only way to make serious money in the world economy to generate any sort of vital surplus to pay for things like social healthcare and benefits and so the fraud will continue and a blind eye turned once again so we crash and burn again onther day. Who ever wins the election has to go along with it. Blair and Brown didn't deregulate the system to make the bankers rich but to find the money to keep the country going. It really is as depressing and simple as that. This is why middle-class bankers retire and go to live in France with an Arga and a goat.

I is for Iraq

Last election it was a big issue and even kept immigration off the top spot. But now it's all gone quiet because the troops are home, which for Brown is a victory of sorts you would have thought worth celebrating. Maybe he has kept quiet on it as all the oil deals have been signed with the west-the biggest to BP-and the guys who started the war have bagged huge oil jobs with those deals, Blair picking up £120 million so far. Iraq recently announced their 800,000 thousandth death in the last ten years put down to the war and following insurgency, which still rages. But we know deep in our hearts we had to invade Iraq to secure our future oil supplies and still we are given the luxury to berate Blair for doing what he had to do.

J is for Jobs

There's something called the Heidelberg Paradox where voters demand and expect the truth as the election approaches on just how bad things are and accuse governments treating them as stupid if they don't tell them, in this case that we will probably have to sack or privatize about 15% of public service workers. But when the actual voting day is right on us the voters only really want to hear about a way not to sack those people and if one party says just that then they will vote for them out of fear, even though both candidate and voter know the score, and then after the election the electorate are awarded the luxury to criticize the new government for not doing what was needed to be done and again we the voter escapes the blame. Make no mistake guys, if we don't bring down the national debt by reducing the public service spend the interest rate will rise on the money we borrow from the international markets and the debt will get bigger and bigger, that 187 billion soon 250 billion, a fatal paradox that drove Japan into recession for ten years and counting as they used most of their domestic tax take just to pay off the interest. Expect at least 100,000 job loses in the public services in the next two years and many more public services privatized, what both Blair and the corporations have secretly wanted all along for this coming decade, even more jobs for that cheap immigrant labor here.

N is for Nuclear weapons

Clegg pledged to dump the new Polaris program, costing a projected £100 billion pounds. Clegg only said that because he doesn't think he will be Prime Minister, but people wanting to make him Prime Minister because he gets to say those things. Most of the missiles are in bunkers in America gathering dust and even if, God forbid, we wanted to fire one we have to ask the Americans for the bloody keys and the satellite codes to target and them. Any of you have lost your car keys no how long that can take. We only hold around 20 at anyone time, all on submarines, and even then two American soldiers guard the launch box on the sub with sidearm. It's unclear what we get for our £100 billion, a special price for a special relationship, and half the debt right there...

K is for Knighthoods

Big mouth Alan Sugar is always being obnoxious and rude to everyone and expects to be called Sir Alan everywhere he goes. Apparently, Sugars businesses haven't made much of a profit in ages and are kept afloat by his property portfolio, also failing. Sugar is one of many Lords only given the title because they gave loads of money to a political party, something they soon forget, thinking they have actually earned the title or something, Sugar giving £700,000 to new Labor this year alone for the election.

My manifesto...

Anyone who gives any donation over ten grand per year to a political party should immediately be banned from receiving a gong in their business career.

L is for Legislation

Blair and then Brown have introduced a mind boggling amount of new laws in their 13 years and, as caught on camera, ex ministers taking bungs to change the laws back again to suit big business. Did they only change them so to get those lobbying kickbacks? Only last week Tesco's and Sainsbury's got off scott free for their involvement in a huge price matching scam on cigarettes. Because Sainsbury's owned up and cooperated with the trading standards office it was the fag company's and smaller supermarkets who copped the fine, Tesco also getting off for unexplained reasons when they were clearly doing it, even the so-called ethical Co-Op involved. Unlike the tobacco companies, both supermarkets not to be fined donate heavily to New Labor...

M-media and elections

Politics is now purely a battle of one-upmanship between sterile politicians and the media, both reacting and then counter reacting to each other all day long in this ego driven immediate 24 hour media show. The politicians need the media more than the media need them so the TV and radio always hold the upper hand, which has allowed some media-the newspapers- to become lobbying forces for various political parties and the message, if there is one, to be lost. The media are guilty for over analyzing everything the politicians and so not allowing the politicians to put their case, shouted down by the egos of Paxman and the like. The politicians just say anything as ambiguously as they can in response to cover all the threads the media pick apart is the result.

N is for New Labor

They really are who they say they are, keeping the poor, poor but making the rich richer, but the poor quite happy to be poor in great swathes of Britain. Some people don't have aspirations in life and want to do their own thing whilst others are intimidated by work and avoid it. The middle-class berates them but if everyone was middle-class then they would be after those berater's nice jobs and they would hate that even more. As Mrs. Thatcher said: "there's no such thing as society", and I'm afraid she is right.

O is for oil and votes

Oil and gas will always dictate our foreign policy as we have to get enough from abroad to keep us warm in the winter, and that mans young working-class lads have to keep dieing in Afghanistan. Protecting 'British Interests' abroad has always been any incumbent Prime Ministers toughest call. The US have quietly moved their offensive in Afghanistan to blast a corridor from the Kazakhstan oil and gas fields through Afghanistan and Helmund Province to Pakistan and the west, via Turkey. The new PM will have to stay in Afghanistan for another twenty years taking hits for that pipeline and so you're looking at least another 500 dead soldiers if the new PM gets a second term.

P is for Political literature

Most mail shots are supposed to be skillfully targeted now and most of you have been lucky enough to receive an email from one of the party leaders, which you immediately deleted along with the ones that offer you a bigger willy and an over draught. I have had tons from the Liberals and some from the Tory's and nothing from Labor. No one has rung the bell and no megaphone car as yet. I offered to do some work for my local Liberal Mp but they blanked my email...probably the reason why I'm wasting my vote on the yellow sods!

Q is the Queen

She could turn around and say no at any point under constitutional law to dissolve any parliament although the royal household hasn't done that particular duty for 300 years.

R is for Responsibility

We see numerous cases in the media where people are suing their employers or councils for trivial things, not because they have been particularly put out by these events but they know there's a system in place that could get them money. That mindset dissolves the fabric of the countries resolve for me and makes people weaker. We had the single mom in the forces who tried to sue the army because she says they wouldn't help her look after her kid. It turns out they did offer to help her and wanted to transfer her to base with excellent childcare. She refused and chose to sue on race and sexism grounds when she was sacked. The army only employed her because they had silly quotas forced on them. Since when is it a good idea to encourage women in the forces to have kids? She got 17 grand and it was soon discovered she was depressed and wanted out from the job and the childcare wasn't the issue. We are in a politically correct bind where the human rights lawyers force us to employ people who can not to the job and then use the same lawyers to sue when they can indeed not do the job and want out with a pay off. Absolute nonsense! If you can't do the job you leave and let someone do it that can.

S is for MP's salaries

We don't want MPs to get a fair salary for their status and we don't want them to have an expenses system to bump up their salary to the level we quietly thinks fair if we would admit it. So the solution is to continue to pay the monkeys peanuts. Is it any wonder they do the things they do guy's and why they feel so persecuted.

T is for tax evasion

We have this absurd situation where the biggest companies can evade tax in off-shore trusts yet if we fiddle the dole we are up in court. Self assessment forms have made it even easier for smaller companies to also evade tax, that system purely about cutting jobs in the tax office than increasing the national tax take, a system that's hardly efficient. One chap was actually fined £1000 for paying TOO MUCH tax. In the last 30 years the public tax take has gone from 15% to 25% yet big business's take has fallen from 25% to 15%.

My manifesto....

I would move as much tax as possible towards purchasing so people don't feel it as much in their pay packets. I know a girl who runs her own business and it's so easy for her to evade income and N/I tax if you have an accountant. To be all taxed the same it must be on the things we buy rather than the money we hide away. Incentivize people to pay tax by things like a rubbish tax that rewards those who recycle and penalize those who don't. Enter every small business in a national lottery style draw if they hit the tax thresholds they should be hitting so to discourage them from tax evasion. Make tax less painful and use the collection to encourage growth. Don't let Branson hide 87% of his in the Virgin Islands!!

U is for Unemployment

It's only been falling as a percentage recently because the Poles have gone home for a spell and so work has become available and there's more demand for that work. The middle-class will never sign on through pure shame and are now working in the more menial service industry they could avoid before. But unemployment will rise again as we are not creating new jobs and people are still being sacked, especially in the public service. I just can't see where the new jobs are going to come from on mass, other than private companies taking over public services jobs, and the purpose of that move to the private sector is to get half as many people to do the job the public workers were once doing and so standards will fall and less jobs created.

V is for Voting

Every year I have the same argument with my younger brother that you should vote, even if you hate all the candidates, as it's the act of voting that keeps democracy alive. I'm bloody sure that those who don't vote were suddenly told they couldn't they would be screaming blue murder to win the right to vote again. Laziness is what erodes structures and hands the power to the wrong people. A recent report found that people who vote want to vote and those who don't, won't, and unless you introduce compulsory voting, no one else new will be encouraged to make an effort, who wasn't before. An interesting statistic shows that people that regularly vote tend to live further away from the polling booth than those who don't vote. Democracy is a precious right to people like me and I always put my paper in the box. People will go out of their way to retain that democratic right to vote. The ones who don't vote are eroding our democracy, however feeble it is, and encouraging exploitable methods like posting and electronic voting methods.

W is for Work

Under New Labor Blair embraced the global economy and manufacturing gross domestic product fell in the United Kingdom from 20.6% in 1997 to a shocking 13.8% in 2009. The banks were deregulated and told to make up the difference and a little bit more, climbing from 17% to 26.2% gross national product. But we all know what happened after that. We just don't create enough manufacturing jobs anymore as pretty much everything can be assembled cheaply abroad, even data and IT work now being done in foreign lands. 78% of our internet and card fraud is being committed abroad as that's where the data is now churned and stored guys.

The green economy may be the way forward as we can remake everything to be more ecologically sound although the two billion put aside in the budget to get this economy moving looks like it has already been 'put aside' for foreign countries to make turbines here.

X - X marks the spot

I would love to plant mine on Cameron's forehead with my fist for being too much of a politician but it looks like another protest vote for me this year for one of the smaller innocuous parties. Yep, the Liberal Democrats!

Y is for Young ones

Youth unemployment is catastrophic for any society and there just isn't any work out there for them right now. 16 to 18 year-old kids can't sign on and it's silly keeping them in collage with the £30 bribe of the EVA if they are just going to disrupt lessons. Get the kids engaged now or you will lose them and if that involves spending then so be it.

Z is for ZZZZZZZZZ

God elections are boring!