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Picture the scene. You're on a boat. It's a big boat, so let's call it a ferry. You're on the deck chilling out. There's a pool, perhaps. Why not, there's a diving board too. OK, so it's a luxury ferry. The ferry is owned by P&O, although I might have that name wrong, I can't be bothered to Google it. OK, so P&O might not make luxury ferries, but for arguments sake they do.
Anyway, you're on the luxury P&O-owned ferry, and you're lounging about by the pool. Suddenly, thunder strikes!
OK, so you wouldn't lounge about by a pool if it was cloudy... Bah, this introduction sucks.
OK, so you're huddled for warmth underneath a parasol on a large luxury P&O-owned ferry next to a pool which is covered to prevent the wind from blowing the water out of the pool and making the deck all slippery and chlorinated. Then as the rain is pounding down...
What? OK, so you wouldn't be under a parasol if it's storming. That'd be silly.
Let's start from scratch.
So you're on a ferry complaining about the lengthy, boring, and contradicting introduction to a creative piece of writing when you get snatched up by a mate and, for a practical joke, get thrown overboard with an anchor attached to your leg.
"Argh!" you think to yourself. "I'm drowning! Oh bollocks!"
You pass out.
As you're unconscious, a friendly school of clown fish (one of which
is probably called Nemo) comes and chews through the chain binding the anchor to your body. Then they all get eaten by a shark, leaving you to drift on the waves.
Several hours later, you wake up with the sun blasting down on your salt encrusted trousers (hey, I won't judge, we're all open minded people here). You're protected from the vicious rays by a handy coconut tree. The island is tiny, only a dozen square foot or so. You're naturally confused by this predicament.
No, that wasn't the coconut tree shouting homophobic slurs at you. That was me, arriving next to you wearing a pink boob tube and holding a little wand. Bewildered, you ask what I'm doing. So I tell you...
"What five items do you wish you had with you right now?"
You obviously don't know, and you're so busy trying to work out why I don't just "poof" you off of the island, so I begin to speak.
Sorry, I got a bit carried away there.
Anyways, I'm here today to decide what five items I'd take with me if I found myself stuck on a desert island. It's a very common occurrence, as I'm sure you're now aware. I mean, you've seen that Tom Hanks film I'm sure, not to mention those reality TV shows.
Without further rambling, and with no particular order, here goes.
5: A large net on a strong sturdy pole
See, I can't fish. I really can't. I can barely catch minnows! But obviously on a desert island I need food. Therefore, I've have a large net on a strong sturdy pole. Large is important, since it means I'll actually catch something. And sturdy because... well, I'm clumsy.
The net can also be used to carry stuff around. Granted on a small island I won't need much help, but for things like leaves and small sticks it could stop them blowing away. The pole could also be detached and used to fight off rogue animals attempting to consume my fish or my fine self, and all in all it'd prove itself to be rather useful.
4: An axe
See, an axe here would be vital! Not only could it be used to kill and chop up the fish I caught earlier, but it could be used to fell the coconut trees! The wood can then be chopped into rough planks and used, the coconuts could be split for the milk and food (not to mention the fact they'd make convenient cups) and the leaves could be bound into a shelter.
The axe could also be used to fend off intruders. Besides, how awesome does a guy look when he's hefting an enormous axe? Very awesome.
Rope is SO important. It'd have to be thick rope though. I could use it to tie myself down in the event of a storm, I could use it to bind wood and leaves together into a shelter, I could use it to lassoo native horses and ride around... that kind of thing.
I could also use it to start a fire to keep me warm or to cook my fish. And if my clothes become torn and baggy, I can use it as a belt. Sorted!
2: A large bottle of rum hand crafted and produced by an Irishman named Aaron
Rum is vitally important when you're on an island, if the first Pirates of the Caribbean is anything to go by. Not only is it a tasty alcoholic drink, but it burns well! I can use it to send smoke signals, I can use it to kill braincells, and I can use it to marinate my fish. Plus if the fire gets a little low I can top it up.
It needs to be hand crafted and produced by an Irishman because the Irish know their alcohol, and if the bottle is made by hand it's a pretty safe bet that it'll be strong enough to not crumble into dust when I hold it.
1: A saucepan
It'd have to be a rather large saucepan it has to be said. A big shiny saucepan. Why you ask? It's simple really. I can use it to boil water so instead of drinking salty poison, I can drink clear freshwater. It can also be used (again) to cook the fish (can you see how much emphasis I'm putting on food here?). Plus if I get bored, I can put it on my head and wear it like a comical hat!
I personally think all of these items would give me the resources needed to live for a couple of weeks, then to construct a rudimentary boat. I could use the saucepan to hold fish for the journey and the bottle to hold water. Aren't I clever?
So, that's my list of five things. Good luck yourself, by the way.