Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome onboard the Ikea Express. Tonight I would like to take you on a journey around my local store in Gateshead, although if you shut your eyes you could be in any of the other 10 which are situated throughout the UK at Brent Park (London), Bristol, Croydon, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Leeds, Nottingham, Thurrock, Warrington or Wednesbury, although I advise you to get off right now if lace tablecloths and decorated china dinner sets are your thing as you will be sorely disappointed. I hope you have refreshments with you as this is going to be a long journey.

Before we enter the store, I will give you some background information. Ikea are a Swedish company who began trading in the 1940's,and the name was chosen to reflect the owners initials and the place where he grew up. The company traded successfully for 30 years before they decided to expand their business outside of their homeland, with Switzerland and Germany getting the Ikea experience from the mid 1970's onwards. Not ones to try and take over the world, they waited another 10 years before looking past Europe and opening their flagship store in America, and then after that they decided to descend upon the UK, and they have never looked back, and have actually continued expanding whilst opening new stores in China and Russia.

You all boarded today in a large industrial estate outside of a huge blue building with large yellow writing on the outside. I agree it is not the most picturesque of starting points, but the view will improve, I will promise you that! You will all have found spaces for your vehicles as the car parks are big enough to accomodate the largest of shopping crowds, and there are more disabled and parent and children spaces than you are likely to find at any other stores, and they are all within easy access to the entrance of the store.

Hold on folks, we are entering the first stage of the journey, and it is especially for all you tired and stressed parents on board today. On your left you will see a brightly coloured room, half of which is filled with small plastics balls, and the other half has a television playing round the clock cartoons, as well as there being toys and other equipment strewn across the floors. This is the in store creche. If your child is 3 years or over then you can make use of this for a maximum of 1 hour and it will not cost you a penny. Yes....child free and cost free. A good start I am sure you will agree.

If you look down at the ground, you will see that there are large red arrows which show you the correct direction to travel around the store. These are very important as the store can be like a maze, and following these arrows will bring you to the exits.....eventually. These arrows also encourage a sort of one way system of travel, however don't despair if you have missed anything, you can go back on yourself. This is also the best point to choose how you are going to carry your shopping, and here you have three choices. The first and most common is the Ikea shopping bag, which replaces the traditional shopping basket found in most stores. This is a large blue plastic bag with yellow nylon handles and is roughly the size of 21" television. (A strange comparison I know, but the best one you are getting!!!). The bag is nice and spacious but has the tendency to become unbalanced very easily when you start to fill it. This bag is designed to be carried over your shoulder, but if you are small then you may struggle, so I would advise you to go for the second option. Keep a hold of your jazzy blue bag, but instead of carrying it, you can attach it to a trolley type contraption, but here you attach the bag which the standard carrying section of the trolley would be. This is generally my choice, as it is easy to push and not as difficult to manouvre as a standard trolley, however fear not, the beloved trolley is still available, with or without a child seat. Okay, now you have all decided, we will get down to the serious business of shopping.

We are now entering the showroom, and as we travel up the central aisle, you will see the various product ranges on both sides. Some of the products have been used to set up example living areas so you can get an idea of how your product would look in your home. Some of the products can be selected from these sections if they are small items such as lamps, pictures etc, but larger items (generally those which are flat packed) will have a reference number on it, and you must make sure you have this so that when we exit the showroom, and enter the Marketplace you can collect your chosen item before moving onto the checkouts. You will be pleased to know that at many points throughout the showroom, there are points where you can collect a pencil, an order sheet and even a tape measure if you want to check some measurements.

First of all you will see that we are entering the lounge/sitting room area, which displays settees, sofas, coffee tables, chairs, and storage/display units, along with extras such as candles, lamps, plug extensions etc. Have a look around before we move onto the bedroom section. Here you will see many different types of beds including futons, bunk beds, high sleepers, and then the more traditional single and double beds. A word of caution for you all though, the sizes of the frames are not standard, and you will most likely have to purchase the mattress from Ikea for any bed you like, which may prove to be very expensive when you compare it against other stores. Again, there are some example bedrooms set out, some with very unique designs, but all which will give you some ideas for when you get home.

The kitchen and dining room are our next port of call. All of the kitchen units are used in display kitchen so you can get a better idea of how they will look. If you have measurements with you then a member of the trained kitchen design team will be more than happy to help you plan the kitchen of your dreams, and it is not just the units which are available, there are many appliances and extras which you will need to give the room the finishing touches. There is a huge area which is dedicated to kitchen accessories, and here you can find some lovely cutlery, dinner sets, and pans etc. All of which are generally plain in design so they will fit into any kitchen design, and there is a lot of chrome in this section. The same goes for the bathroom section, although is it much smaller and less developed.

Many more retailers are recognising that the home is also a workplace for many people, and Ikea are no exception, and this is proven in the very comprehensive Home Office area. There are desks to suit the smallest cubby hole to the most spacious office, and to ensure you work in comfort there is a huge choice of chairs, complete with and without arms of gas lift, and ranging in price from £30-40 right up to £250+. Feeling creative? If you want to design and make things for your own home then the next section shows the many materials which are on offer, which are not only eyecatching but very reasonably priced. Fear not if this seems like too much trouble though, as we quickly move onto the textiles area which has many curtains (although they tend to be for very long windows), blinds, bed linen, cushions, quilts, towels, and rugs.

If you are missing your children (which I doubt!!) then there is a section just for children. This includes baby items such as cots, potties and highchairs, onto toddler bedroom equipment such as beds and wardrobes. The toy section is very much focused on learning and creativity. The toys are generally brightly coloured and seem to be very hard wearing. This can be a very noisy section, especially as the store restaurant is located right in the middle of this area. For those of you feeling peckish then you can stop of here and enjoy some of the food on offer, which is a mixture of the expected food such as fish and chicken, but if you are feeling adventurous, then there is often a traditional Swedish dish on offer.

My favourite section is next. Prints, frames and pictures is like a treasure chest to me. Here you can choose the print of your choice, and rather than settle for the frame it comes in you can then go and select your frame, so it means you always get the combination of your choice. The prints range from drawings and photographs to some pretty unusual pieces, but generally there is something to suit most tastes. When you have chosen your picture, you will want to make sure it is shown in it's best light, and with this in mind the lighting section is a must for all visitors. Here you can choose from ceiling lights, spotlights, wall lights, table lamps, desk lamps and floor standing lamps, all which can be made more individual with a choice of coloured bulbs which are available.

The final section of the showroom is the plants section. Here you will find more than just your standard pot plant. Here there are cacti, ivy plants, yuccas and other large and small plants which will add to any room. Moving on out the showroom onto The Marketplace, which is basically the warehouse section of the store, and there are many numbered shelves which carry all of the larger items which you have taken the reference numbers of earlier. Here you will also find a bargain corner, which is jam packed with discontinued and slightly damaged items all at greatly reduced prices. Don't despair if you don't see what you are looking for, then ask the person on the desk, as in the past they have found a lightshade for me which I had smashed and could not replace from the showroom as it had been discontinued.

The checkouts are normally surrounded by baskets with various products such as batteries, pot pourri and candles which are meant to tempt you whilst you queue to pay. In this, my local store, there are around 10 tills (2 which are generally for 5 items or less), and even at peak times such as Christmas the wait has never been more than 5 minutes. As you arrive at your chosen checkout, you must take the items out of your bag/trolley and place them on the conveyor belt, and then you can progress through the wide checkout, which is suitable for pushchairs and wheelchairs. They accept cash, cheques and all major credit and debit cards, including Solo, and if you feel that you will be visiting here often then you can also apply for an Ikea store card. If you change your mind after making a purchase, just bring the product back to your IKEA store unused. For a full refund you need your till receipt, but if you haven't got it, they can give you a credit voucher.This policy does not apply to kitchen appliances or items that are custom-made for your needs, such as worktops or made-to-order sofas. Nor does it apply to mattresses unless unused and still in its original packaging.

Before we exit the store, you can relax in the cafe where you can choose from delicious hot dogs, cakes, ice creams and various liquid refreshments, all of which are extremely reasonably priced. If those do not tempt you then why not visit the sweet shop which boasts many Scandanavian cakes and biscuits, generally anything which will satisfy the sweetest of teeth.

If you have bought something which will not fit into your car then it can be delivered, but beware this is normally very costly and can be as much as £30 even when you may live within a 5 mile radius. Moving out of the store they are specially dedicated bays just outisde the exit which you can move your car to in order to unload your purchases as there are barriers in place which make it difficult to get the trolley onto the main car park area.

The staff are generally friendly and keen to help as you will have seen. The pricing is very competitive, and you can get curtains for under £20, a quilt for around £10, a standard lamp for an amazing £7 and a lovely picture for around £15, so you are sure not to break the bank if you want to spruce up some rooms in your house. Ikea is the home of minimalist flat pack furniture and barmy television adverts, and if today's journey around this store has whetted your appetite then you can find out more at www.ikea.co.uk, where you can find precise addresses of each of the stores, and you can even print off a map and directions to ensure that you do not get lost.

If you decide to repeat this experience on your own, then the store will welcome you Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm,Saturday 9am to 7pm, Sunday 11am to 5pm and Bank Holidays 10am to 6pm, which should accomodate even the most dedicated shopper amongst you, although I would advise you to check these times as they are subject to change. Okay, now that is the end of your journey on the Ikea Express. I look forward to you all visiting again, but before you go, don't forget to collect your children from the creche!