STUPIDITYISM & CAPITALISM - nonsensical gibberish
Advantages Balances the scales
Disadvantages Rewards the Stupid
The Author
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28/08/2005
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23/07/2005
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'Compensate the stupid and the rich for it is they who will pass through the eye of a camel and enter the kingdom of god with a needle.'
(A well known quote from The Bible)......................................
Compensation culture is an essential and unavoidable ideological development is the Western world. Capitalism could never be sustained without it and the progression of stupidityism would be greatly hindered. The right to claim compensation is older than the right to freedom of speech, assembly, religion and all the rest. Only now are we fully embracing this wonderous mechanism for wealth accumulation.A few years ago, my mentor and financial advise guru (and accident compensation soliciter) told me of an ancient legend of which I was unfamiliar. The legend is cherished by the militants in the accident compensation racket and regularly recited over brandy and cigars. Long, long ago, when The People were still fighting for their Right to Claim Compensation, a courageous woman (apparently she was the brave leader of the Right to Claim Benefits movement and a founding member of the stupidityism society) lunched in a well-known fast food restaurant. Upon ordering a cup of coffee and paying for it with her job seeker's allowance, she promptly spilt the scalding hot drink over herself. That poor creature! How was she to know that the coffee would be hot? She acted in accordance with the principles of her beloved stupidityism and tipped the drink over her head (it was hers, she paid for it; she could do what she liked).How dare they give her coffee and not inform her of its fiery content. The beasts. So she sued them and won.
Upon hearing this heart-warming yarn, I invested a few hours of my time at the local library in the hope of discovering whether the legend was true. Any doubts about its genuiness were dissolved when I found numerous references to this working-class hero and 'queen of stupidityism'. But my accident compensation lawyer friend, in his enthusiasm to impart the story, refrained from mentioning an even uglier and darker side to its narrative.The fast-food restaurant where the woman lunched, was keeping its coffee at extreme and severe temperatures. One hundred and eighty degrees! Creeping Jesus, thats hot! But why? Well, it allows them to maintain the lifespan of the coffee, thus increasing profit margins. Apparently it is cheaper to take the occassional compensation claim on the chin and hand out sporadic wads of cash to 3rd degree burn victims than actually store coffee at a life-shortening temperature.
Well of course! Why shouldn't those noble corporations be allowed to maximise profit at the expense of the health of the stupid. Finacially, both are winners; the corporations show a long-term profit and the stupid get compensated. But the conclusion of the story is grim and threatens the very foundations of capitalism and stupidityism. This brave, burnt victim and anti-hero of our story won $2.7m. The fast-food restaurant was only accustomed to parting with $20k in most of these cases...That blasted, damned whore of satan. $2.7m is absurd. She is threatening to open the floodgates to hell with her foolish claim. How much is a mild, coffee sustained patch of burnt pus-seeping skin worth on the current market anyway? Surely not $2.7m; 20k sounds about right....
Why, oh why did that cherished fable turn into a nightmare at the end? Because it upset the balance between stupidityism and capitalism and we can't have one system dominating the other.Take the case of the gentleman who tragically caught lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking. He claimed he never realised the danger in inflating his lungs with smoke. That poor, stupid bastard; he is a true icon for followers and believers of stupidityism. This guy took a well known tobacco company to court and won $3 billion. Je-suuuuus, how much is a tar-stained lung worth on the open market these days? Not that fucking much...I'd say 20k, that would make it workable for a tobacco company and the stupid would still be well compensated. Again, the scales are tipping in favour of stupidtyism and the capitalists will be forced to buy up the time of every lawyer on the planet to protect their bank vaults. Then how will we launch our sacred claims against them?
...................................................'Blessed are the lecherous parasites who hang around hospitals and shopping centres with clipboards for they shall inherit the earth'
(A well known quote from The Bible)Ah it's a beautiful, beautiful modern thing. Neo-beautiful. Lecherous Parasite with clip board and buttoned suit. Slithering around the entrance to Accident and Emergency...pursuing ambulances with mindless lust...hanging around the entrances to shopping malls with teenagers with prams, and tramps. Without compensation culture these lecherous parasites would become extinct...And what a loss...Day-time television commercials would change forever. The cessation of compensation would mean the cessation of accident and injury adverts between bouts of Trisha and Viscious Jeremy Kyle. And that would result in the cessation of loan adverts because without compensation claims nobody would be able to pay back their loans and...oh god..the balance would fall in favour of capitalism and stupidityism would die and...Apocalypse Soon...Cleverism would flourish, capitalism would shut down, we'd all become socialists
Until......we all realised that we COULD SUE THE STATE, then the tax coffers would decrease faster than a bottle of WKD Blue in the hands of Charlotte Church ('hey make that the last Charlotte Church joke, I'm going to sue that bitch for offending my ears and I don't want her upset before it comes to court'). Eventually the whole country would shut down and only self-sustaining peasants in the Shetlands and Deep Wales would survive.
So don't upset the scales of stupidityism and Capitalism. Keep claiming, claiming, claiming compenstion but don't get greedy like our chain-smoking and coffee tipping friends.If in doubt, claim 20k. Compensation culture must prosper but not at the expense of the ultra-rich.
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tomwebbz 16/04/2007 19:20
LeeroyBrown 07/12/2006 01:21
I found this very interesting. Leeroy~Onwards and Upwards~
DangerMouse2005 21/08/2006 14:27
Yes I agree with you completely Muttley. When compensation is due, it should be paid and the corporations should be held accountable (they get away with far too much). But as this 'compensation culture' grows more and more out of control, so do the absurdity of the claims that people are taking to court. Ultimately this will lead to the corporations covering their asses anyway they can. The recent proliferation of fool-proof, small-print warning signs and disclaimers etc are evidence of this. Thanks to Mr Winnebago Man and Coffee Tipper, we may end up going full circle where those who are justly entitled to compensation are missing out. I hope the corporations perish in hell and if this is assisted by compensation culture (impossible!) then great...BUT it does sadden me to see all of this GREED and stupidity. If you entitled to it then you should be given it. If you are not entitled to it then you should be laughed out of court and strung up in the stocks along with the corporate CEOs whilst everyone throws coffee, cigarettes and Winnebago tyres at them.
muttleythefrog 19/08/2006 00:45
Chuckle... interesting author comment. I really don't think the guy who sued cigarette makers should really be criticised. Let's be honest, ordinary members of the public struggle to comprehend science nevermind understand cuting edge research or data. Many have to rely on companies to be honest... if they're not they should face the consequences. If tomorrow it turned out that the brussel sprouts I was buying and eating, rather than being a valuable component of my diet turned out to be laced with carcinogens I would hope that I wouldn't be classified as naive or stupid..lol. Similarly, if I walk out of my house tomorrow and turn the blind corner onto a public highway and I fall down a manhole breaking my neck, you would think someone surely should be responsible for that.. now is it really me for failing to hire a helicopter to survey the local area before leaving the house (or employ a periscope at every street corner) or is it the council who failed to put up the warning signs or block the area off? I obviously have no problem with deceiptful corporate enterprises being sued as consequence..lol.. but compensation can right wrongs. In many cases the compensation sought is invaluable to the wronged person... it may provide equipment or treatments such as wheelchairs or stairlifts, psychotherapy etc etc that wouldn't have been necessary had someone else not acted without due responsibility. I work for a company that should ultimately gain compensation for over 10,000 former mineworkers... whose health was damaged so badly by their employment that the government was forced to set up special schemes to deal with the matter. I judge that around half of the mineworkers who my colleagues act for have died with their employment seriously implicated in their demise... I expect for many of the rest the same will ultimately become true. Pete
DangerMouse2005 18/08/2006 14:11
As you've realised, this review is tongue-in-cheek sarcasm and ultimately I am condemning both compensation culture and big business. But the idea that these people who launch compensation claims are STUPID (and greedy) is justified. The guy who sued the tobacco company is the epitome of this deomographic; he went with the flow and never considered or questioned his habit, yet willingly took the corporate propaganda as fact. Perhaps 'naive' is a better word than stupid but this man is no more entitled to compensation than a corporate company is to huge profits garnered by lies, exploitation and corruption. The review I wrote was ambiguous and poorly concluded but I find compensation culture absurd and I think all I was doing was trying to express that absurdity.
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