Advantages Balances the scales
Disadvantages Rewards the Stupid
'Compensate the stupid and the rich for it is they who will pass through the eye of a camel and enter the kingdom of god with a needle.'(A well known quote from The Bible)
......................................Compensation culture is an essential and unavoidable ideological development is the Western world. Capitalism could never be sustained without it and the progression of stupidityism would be greatly hindered. The right to claim compensation is older than the right to freedom of speech, assembly, religion and all the rest. Only now are we fully embracing this wonderous mechanism for wealth accumulation.
A few years ago, my mentor and financial advise guru (and accident compensation soliciter) told me of an ancient legend of which I was unfamiliar. The legend is cherished by the militants in the accident compensation racket and regularly recited over brandy and cigars. Long, long ago, when The People were still fighting for their Right to Claim Compensation, a courageous woman (apparently she was the brave leader of the Right to Claim Benefits movement and a founding member of the stupidityism society) lunched in a well-known fast food restaurant. Upon ordering a cup of coffee and paying for it with her job seeker's allowance, she promptly spilt the scalding hot drink over herself. That poor creature! How was she to know that the coffee would be hot? She acted in accordance with the principles of her beloved stupidityism and tipped the drink over her head (it was hers, she paid for it; she could do what she liked).How dare they give her coffee and not inform her of its fiery content. The beasts. So she sued them and won.Upon hearing this heart-warming yarn, I invested a few hours of my time at the local library in the hope of discovering whether the legend was true. Any doubts about its genuiness were dissolved when I found numerous references to this working-class hero and 'queen of stupidityism'. But my accident compensation lawyer friend, in his enthusiasm to impart the story, refrained from mentioning an even uglier and darker side to its narrative.
The fast-food restaurant where the woman lunched, was keeping its coffee at extreme and severe temperatures. One hundred and eighty degrees! Creeping Jesus, thats hot! But why? Well, it allows them to maintain the lifespan of the coffee, thus increasing profit margins. Apparently it is cheaper to take the occassional compensation claim on the chin and hand out sporadic wads of cash to 3rd degree burn victims than actually store coffee at a life-shortening temperature.Well of course! Why shouldn't those noble corporations be allowed to maximise profit at the expense of the health of the stupid. Finacially, both are winners; the corporations show a long-term profit and the stupid get compensated. But the conclusion of the story is grim and threatens the very foundations of capitalism and stupidityism. This brave, burnt victim and anti-hero of our story won $2.7m. The fast-food restaurant was only accustomed to parting with $20k in most of these cases...
That blasted, damned whore of satan. $2.7m is absurd. She is threatening to open the floodgates to hell with her foolish claim. How much is a mild, coffee sustained patch of burnt pus-seeping skin worth on the current market anyway? Surely not $2.7m; 20k sounds about right....Why, oh why did that cherished fable turn into a nightmare at the end? Because it upset the balance between stupidityism and capitalism and we can't have one system dominating the other.
Take the case of the gentleman who tragically caught lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking. He claimed he never realised the danger in inflating his lungs with smoke. That poor, stupid bastard; he is a true icon for followers and believers of stupidityism. This guy took a well known tobacco company to court and won $3 billion. Je-suuuuus, how much is a tar-stained lung worth on the open market these days? Not that fucking much...I'd say 20k, that would make it workable for a tobacco company and the stupid would still be well compensated. Again, the scales are tipping in favour of stupidtyism and the capitalists will be forced to buy up the time of every lawyer on the planet to protect their bank vaults. Then how will we launch our sacred claims against them?...................................................
'Blessed are the lecherous parasites who hang around hospitals and shopping centres with clipboards for they shall inherit the earth'(A well known quote from The Bible)
Ah it's a beautiful, beautiful modern thing. Neo-beautiful. Lecherous Parasite with clip board and buttoned suit. Slithering around the entrance to Accident and Emergency...pursuing ambulances with mindless lust...hanging around the entrances to shopping malls with teenagers with prams, and tramps. Without compensation culture these lecherous parasites would become extinct...And what a loss...Day-time television commercials would change forever. The cessation of compensation would mean the cessation of accident and injury adverts between bouts of Trisha and Viscious Jeremy Kyle. And that would result in the cessation of loan adverts because without compensation claims nobody would be able to pay back their loans and...oh god..the balance would fall in favour of capitalism and stupidityism would die and...Apocalypse Soon...Cleverism would flourish, capitalism would shut down, we'd all become socialistsUntil...
...we all realised that we COULD SUE THE STATE, then the tax coffers would decrease faster than a bottle of WKD Blue in the hands of Charlotte Church ('hey make that the last Charlotte Church joke, I'm going to sue that bitch for offending my ears and I don't want her upset before it comes to court'). Eventually the whole country would shut down and only self-sustaining peasants in the Shetlands and Deep Wales would survive.So don't upset the scales of stupidityism and Capitalism. Keep claiming, claiming, claiming compenstion but don't get greedy like our chain-smoking and coffee tipping friends.
If in doubt, claim 20k. Compensation culture must prosper but not at the expense of the ultra-rich.
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