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Dyslexic Man Walks Into a Bra...

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16.05.2003

Advantages:
They're free .

Disadvantages:
They're shit .  Well .  .  .  most of 'em .

Recommendable Yes:

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Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system - however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Read on..........

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES.

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES.

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"?
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES.

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5) After every sentence say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent, as in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8) Dont use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

======================================================


Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasnít feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didnít even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, thatís wives for you, the children will remember..The children came in to breakfast and didnít say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, itís such a beautiful day outside, and itís your birthday letís go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, thatís the greatest thing Iíve heard all day."Letís go!" We went to lunch. We didnít go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, itís such a beautiful day. We donít need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said,"Letís go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you donít mind, I think Iíll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . . followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there .............on the couch.......


...naked.

=======================

The Rules for Living With a Man:

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after seven days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars or motor bikes.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

============================================

25 Things That Make you Feel Like a REAL Man:

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

============================================

And finally....


I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said, "Those are pickled onions, Sir".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I phoned the chinese restaurant and said "d'you deliver?" and he said, "No we do lamb, chicken and fish."

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?", I said "No but I've been on telly once".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran - even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Keep smiling.

Spike.


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Comments about this review »

tb240904 06.11.2010 22:37

An EXCEPTIONALLY FUNNY review. That'll keep me going for days. I've already stolen 3 of your jokes and posted them on my wall on Facebook. :D

FARTYBUM 21.02.2010 18:28

A rip roaring review. Farty

M.Newcastle 04.09.2009 18:06

Put a smile on my face for the first time in days

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This review of Jokes has been rated:

"exceptional" by (25%):

  1. tb240904
  2. M.Newcastle
  3. elinor.z

and 39 other members

"very helpful" by (72%):

  1. bettyboop2002
  2. FARTYBUM
  3. reggaefan

and 118 other members

"helpful" by (2%):

  1. chrisandmark_is_here
  2. phychocow
  3. Tempus_Fugit

and a further member

The overall rating of a review is different from a simple average of all individual ratings.