Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease - You never have to watch reruns on television. - You are always meeting new people. - You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse. - You can hide your own Easter eggs.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Alternate Medical Dictionary Definitions: - Anal fissure = angler of specified tastes - Arsenic = a cut in the posterior region - Bacteria = back door to a cafeteria - Bandage = sexual deviation, similar to bondage but the dominatrix is a ward sister - Barrier method = chair hitched under the doorknob - Body odour = an unpleasant condition only affecting other people. - Cardiology = advanced study of card games. - Disability = now politically incorrect and changed to differently abled. - Disabled = what you will be if you call a disabled person 'differently abled' to their face! - Electric shock treatment = see most recent utility bill - Hormones = what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid - Intensive care - hypochondiac's mecca - Mad cow disease = a problem afflicting nurses when they become ward sisters - Terminal Illness = getting sick at the airport - Urine = opposite of "You're Out" !
Actually written by doctors in medical records: - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient has no past history of suicides. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. - She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. - Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
A guy has been suffering from severe eadaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal-retentive, please hold.