Jokes

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s surgery and asks how much it costs to extract wisdom teeth. ‘£80,’ the dentist says. ‘That’s a ridiculous amount,’ the man says. ‘Isn’t there a cheaper way?’ ‘Well,’ the dentist says, ‘if I don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60.’ ‘That’s still too expensive,’ the man says. ‘Okay,’ says the dentist. ‘If I save on electricity and wear and tear on the tools, and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I could get away with charging £20.’ ‘Nope,’ moans the man. ‘It’s still too much.’ ‘Hmm,’ says the dentist, scratching his head. ‘If I let one of my students on work experience have a crack, I suppose I could charge a fiver.’ ‘Marvellous,’ says the man. ‘Book the wife in for next Tuesday.’

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Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. ‘I pass wind all the time,’ she says. ‘It doesn’t smell, and it’s completely silent, but it’s very uncomfortable. In fact, I’ve done it 20 times since coming in.’ the quack thinks for a minute then gives her a prescription. ‘Try taking these pills for a week and come back and see me then,’ he tells her. The next week, an even more embarrassed Mrs Harris marches in. ‘Doctor, I don’t know what was in the pills, but my problem is worse! My wind is as bad as ever, but now it stinks too!’ ‘Calm down,’ says the doc. ‘now we’ve sorted out your sinuses, we’ll see to your hearing …’

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a pretty good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty poor," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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A lion was feeling confident, one day, so he decided to scare some of the animals. He walked up to the warthog, and roared, "Who's the King of the Beasts?!" The warthog was scared, so he replied, "Y....you are, your majesty." "Damn straight," the lion replied. He then walked up to the giraffe. He roared at her, "Who's the King of the Beasts?!" She said, frightened, "Y....you are, your majesty." "Damn straight," replied the lion. He then walked over to the elephant, and roared, "Who's the King of the Beasts?!" The elephant ignored him, so the lion got annoyed, and roared even louder, "ANSWER ME!!!" The elephant then picked the lion up with his trunk, slammed him into the ground, and threw him into a tree with all his might. The lion got up, a little shook, and said, "Jesus Christ, elephant. You don't have to lose it just because you don't know the answer."

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At 7am, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar. ‘I assume,’ she snarls, ‘that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?’ ‘There is,’ he replies. ‘Breakfast.’

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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
‘I have just the thing,’ says the barber – and takes two small wooden balls from a nearby drawer. ‘Just place these between your cheek and gum.’
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client is very impressed.
‘Just one thing,’ he asks in a garbled voice. ‘What if I swallow them?’
‘No problem,’ says the barber. ‘Just bring them back tomorrow like everyone else does.’

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Leaving a cafe with his morning cup of coffee, a man notices a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Moving up the street slowly is a black hearse, followed closely behind by a second black hearse. Behind this, with head bowed, walks a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him are about 200 men walking single file. Curiosity getting the better of him, the man respectfully approaches the man walking the dog. ‘I know now is a bad time to disturb you,’ he says to the mourner. ‘But I've never seen a funeral like this. Who has passed away?’ The bereaved looks up. ‘Well, that first hearse is for my wife.’ ‘What happened to her?’ the first man asks. The funeral-goer looks down at his pit bull. ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’ The man nods solemnly ‘Well, who is in the second hearse?’ ‘My mother-in-law,’ the man answers. ‘She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’ A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. ‘Could I borrow that dog?’ says the first man, finally. The mourner looks at him wearily. ‘Get in line.’

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A Yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts screaming. ‘My son's choking! ` She cries. ‘He’s swallowed the sixpence in the Christmas pudding! Please, anyone – help!’ Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly, he grips the boy by the testicles and squeezes: the boy coughs, and out pops the coin. ‘Thank you so much!’ beams the relieved mother. ‘Are you a paramedic?’ ‘No,’ replied the man, ‘I work for the Inland Revenue.’

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The police are ordered to clean up the high street for a big parade, and are patrolling the pavements when a drunk staggers towards them. ‘Excuse me, offisher,’ he says to one constable. ‘Could you pleash tell me the time?’ The constable frowns at him. ‘One o'clock,’ he replies – before whacking the drunk over the head with his baton. ‘Christ,’ said the drunk, reeling. ‘I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago.’

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A milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customer’s door saying, ‘I need 45 gallons of milk.’ He knocks at the door and a beautiful, dumb blonde answers it. ‘Is this a mistake?’ the milkman asks. ‘No,’ she says. ‘I was watching a talk-show and it said bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.’ ‘Really?’ replies the milkman. ‘Do you want that pasteurized?’ ‘No, up to my chest will be fine,’ she says

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face: “I had to walk home.”

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An Essex girl is out driving one day when her car skids at a roundabout and hits the car in front. As she’s injured, an ambulance is called and a paramedic quickly arrives. ‘What’s your name, love?’ he asks. ‘Sharon,’ she replies. Looking around, the medic sees there’s a lot of blood. ‘Sharon,’ he asks, ‘where are you bleeding from?’ ‘Romford,’ she replies.